All of my feelings look stupid on paper.

Originally Written on May 19, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I haven’t done my homework in ages. I’m afraid I’m turning into Becky, never doing my homework on time.

Today I stayed home from school. I needed the rest.

Last night I was totally stressed about a history test today. It was open book! Oh, well.

All of my feelings look stupid on paper.

I don’t know who I like. There are a couple people I might like. O.K. for one? I’m not sure if I like Z.S. Ana says he says I’m a bitch. He told me Ana was a bitch. Oh, well. I just think he’s an ass. But I like him. Sort of. I don’t know.

Erica says O.K. likes me. I don’t know. He used to flirt with me. Not anymore though. Oh, well.

Do I like O.K.? I don’t think so.

Do you notice how all of a sudden I’m using initials to refer to my crushes?

The next page is folded in half with the label “Nobody ever open!” Lucky for us, I don’t respect 11-year-old me’s wishes much.

They are initials backwards!!! Such a complicated key just to disguise the crushes I’m not sure I had.

On to a more cheerful subject. If I can find one. Continue Reading

Tips for Prepping for Judgment Day this Saturday

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the Rapture is coming.  This Saturday.

Those who are ‘God’s Elect’ will get taken in to heaven.  NOTE: You will be taken NAKED.  Get a bikini wax and hit the gym.

For those of us who are ‘God’s Elect’ today is the last Monday you will have to suffer.  Enjoy it!

For those of us who may not be among ‘God’s Elect’, we have four days to change that.  Find a millenarian church service and attend immediately, following all their instructions to a tee.

If you don’t, this Saturday will be the beginning of five months of hell on earth that will end in fiery death on October 21st.

Either way, though, your days are numbered.  Quit that job and do something you love for your final days or weeks!  It’s what Jesus would have wanted. Continue Reading

Tupperware and Social Media

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

My friend Jigar sent over this New York Times story about Tupperware’s new campaign to better use social media.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the Tupperware scheme, but let’s review. Tupperware does not spend money on traditional marketing campaigns. Instead they build a workforce of women who sell Tupperware by convincing friends and strangers to host Tupperware parties.

I love Tupperware, and I use it every day. I started selling it because I recognized how great of a product it was. I never sold that much of it because it comes with a very high price tag.

For whatever reason (and I have my theories) Tupperware is an investment. You invest in quality, and the fact that it’s going to be around forever and you can get replacement lids and yadda yadda. But you have to have that cash upfront to commit, and a lot of people just don’t have that. Especially a lot of my friends who are primarily still barely post college. (What’s that? I’m 7 years out?? It feels like yesterday.)

So I didn’t sell much, but I have continued trying to convince my friends and loved ones to make the investment because it’s worth it. I’ve had daydreams for years about making fun Tupperware commercials on Youtube and selling products that way. My sister and I embarked on this scheme back in 2006 before I read Tupperware’s Internet Terms and Conditions. Continue Reading

the birthday party (and it’s invite) that will never be

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

While we were wandering through the Mission last month, my friend Sarah spotted a Super Mario pinata in a shop’s window.

It was just the seed I needed to declare that we would have a Super Mario themed party for Will’s upcoming birthday. Will, after all, loves nothing if not Super Mario, and how much fun we would have with our two televisions and two Super Nintendos–we could play in two rooms!!

I started hunting for Mario t-shirts to dress our two mannequins in.

I planned the menu: stuffed mushrooms and sugar cookies in the shape of feathers and flowers–the magical items that Mario eats to survive, spit fire balls and fly.  We would have a lot of pasta because Mario and Luigi are Italian.  And salad too, because that would make it a balanced meal. Continue Reading

Oh the joy Twitter can bring!

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I was just super stoked to check my email and find that somehow, somewhere, during the night Thaao Phenglis followed me (ME!) on Twitter.

This is the man who played Tony and Andre (often in the same scene) on Days of Our Lives. I loved his elegance, his mystery, and his perfect combination of good and evil. The sexy accent was an added plus.

When Tony and estranged brother John Black made up underneath a sinking ship it changed my life. No longer did I fight with my little sister over things so dumb as who’s turn it was to do the dishes. If Tony and John Black can be on good terms, so can me and my sister!

Who enters a room on a horse! Tony does! And Thaao too, obviously.

That’s a fact. Continue Reading

Goodbye Friendster

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I join the Internet in mourning Friendster this week as the news propagates that Friendster will be taking down user’s photos, blogs and more as of May 31.

Friendster was the first social networking site I joined, and my profile remains a perfect glimpse into 2006 Jennifer.

Lucky for me–and for you–Friendster is allowing us to export our profiles via the Friendster Exporter app.

Also lucky for me–and for you–I have a website where I can store this little bit of nostalgia for the rest of time. So check out my 2006 Friendster profile. Laugh at my brilliant About Me: Continue Reading

Apocalypse Tip of the Day: Make a sleeping bag out of big black garbage bags and newspaper

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

You know someday modern society as we know it is going to collapse and you’re going to need a back up plan.  Or you know that it won’t happen.  I understand that perspective, but what if it does??!

Just in case, here’s a tip to keep in mind.

Take two black garbage bags.  Poke holes in one of them–that’s going to be the inside of your sleeping bag.

Put it inside the other, and fill the area in between the two garbage bags with crumpled newspaper.

The plastic and newspaper will keep you warm; the holes will allow your skin to breathe and the newspaper will absorb your moisture.

For added comfort, pile some newspaper between you and the cold hard ground.

Life is going to be rough, kids.

Thanks to neighbor Jeremy who might just be more paranoid about apocalypse than I am for this great tip which he claims to have read in some book somewhere.

Continue Reading