The wp_postmeta Table is a Sexy Beast

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The longer I work with WordPress, the more I love it. There’s something about knowing something so inside and out that makes you all the more fond of it.

The farther I dig into custom themes, post types, design…the more I have started having to get down and dirty with the actual MySQL database where all the content for a WordPress website is stored.

It gets super geeky, and there’s no need to go into any level of detail. But this sort of detail-oriented digging tends to make one punchy…which led to this:

I just imagined the two of us in a sordid love triangle…I’m calling my boyfriend, “oooh I have to stay late…I haven’t gotten this functionality to work.” Meanwhile the wp_postmeta table is kissing my neck and massaging my back. I’m digging in deeper to find the slug for the custom data I need displayed…he’s asking me on a ski weekend.

What did I tell you? Punchy.

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Paperbags…Good for groceries, romance!

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I have a very silly boyfriend who makes every weekend awesome. Here he is hiding from the world because he had something in his teeth. A fate that each of us will succumb to at some time in our lives…*

*the stuff in our teeth…not the bag on our head…but if you are prone to putting a bag on your head, make it a paper one. It’s harder to suffocate. Continue Reading

I have no idea what’s going on in Robbie’s head. Or in mine. I don’t know what to think or feel.

Originally Written on January 6, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Rejoice! Robbie and Keri broke up today.  Now he’s free and I’m supposed to make my move, which I kind of already have.  See, last night Ana and I were going through the yearbook (on the phone) trying to find guys to like.  Anyway we said we couldn’t like Robbie because we was taken.  So, at lunch I mentioned (to Ana, Natalie & Alexis) that we could like him now.  Kristen B. heard it and told Robbie I liked him.  Then Tom W. came over to ask me if I liked Robbie – I denied it but Ana said that I was madly in love w/ him.  Alexis backed up the story.  Soon, I was denying that I liked him left and right – to everyone but Robbie.  Then people said he was going to ask me out and would I go out with him.  Tom W. asked me out for him – but Alexis told him to have Robbie ask me out himself.  I saw very little of Robbie today.  Anyway, in block Kristen told me it was all a big joke and he wasn’t going to ask me out – but Cassie said he was.  I have no idea what’s going on in Robbie’s head.  Or in mine.  I don’t know what to think or feel.  I really want him to ask me out tomorrow but I don’t know if I’d say yes.  Alexis wants me to say yes.  I have a feeling she feels bad because I’ve never gone out with anyone and she has.  I just wish the talk would stop All of it.  There’s A LOT more. Continue Reading

Lost Girl

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I really should know better but I lost my chance to ask out this girl I met at a Jonathan Richman show.

She’s got cute glasses and wears hats.

Her name’s Maya.

Hopefully by some miracle she’ll see this.

I was too tongue-tied to say anything intelligent at the time, so I’d like to try again. My name’s Noah.  Youre.the.girl.from.the.show@gmail.com

#SWOON Continue Reading

For Xmas I got iceskates! and a walkman! and a few singles & the soundtrack to Free Willy.

Originally Written on January 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Happy New Year!

I wanted to have a party but Emily came over and I couldn’t have had more fun.  Except maybe w/ Becky & Emily! I (we) called Becky at 11, thinking it might be midnight there!  It was 1!  I got to remember that Texas is a 2 hour difference.

All vacation I have been thinking about Mike.  I can still see him walking up to Mrs. Capitani’s desk with his Sharks non-parka on – he was SO CUTE.  Just like a big teddy bear! Except he’s not overstuffed!

I can’t even remember what song we kinda danced to – if you can count what we did as dancing.  I think it was UB40 – Can’t Help Falling in Love – but I guess I’ll never know.

For Xmas I got iceskates!  and a walkman! and a few singles & the soundtrack to Free Willy.

That about wraps it up.  I’m not excactly dissapointed but in my stocking I got peanuts! Jeezz!  Santa didn’t come, either.  I don’t really mind – I love what I got! Continue Reading

She said that I will probably discontinue our friendship because I’m more advanced.

Originally Written on November 2, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Tonight before ice skating I looked in my underwear and it was full of pus. Later I told Emily. She said that I will probably discontinue our friendship because I’m more advanced. I can really sympathize with her. She was really upset.

When I told Mom about it (just now) she showed me where her pantyliners are and asked me questions, like “is it red?” No, it was clear. gross, huh? She said “sometimes the vagina gives discharge for no reason. By the time I got out of there I was sweating gallons.

Onto a different subject… All today people were talking about how some guy liked me with the last name that began with “M”. I could win an emmy for that acting job since Emily told me after band that it was Jeff M. I had to pretend through to the end of lunch til I guessed it. Jeff knew that some guy liked me and wanted to know who. He kept denying it was him, without ever being accused! It was obvious Alexis (who started it) was right. She said all through our surprise presentation in block yesterday, Jeff was watching me. Great!

Anyway, he kept calling the guy who liked me a girl and it was so funny! He was calling himself a girl. It was hilarious.

Finally he found out it was him, and denied it (for the hundreth time!). Today was a tres bien day. a tout a l’heure! Continue Reading

Guess what? I DON’T LIKE STEVE ANY MORE

Originally Written on April 22, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Tonight Becky + me spent hours and hours on the phone. Most of the time we didn’t even say a word, except Becky sang in her awful voice.

She sang the Block Buster Video song. Even as I write she is on the phone, singing.

Did I mention I’m in my room! Yes I GOT A PHONE

Actually it’s Becky’s but not for long. Just kidding. It’s until August. The phone can go into Sara’s room or the bathroom. I’m using line 2.

Cool huh. I think so.

Guess what?

I DON’T LIKE STEVE ANY MORE

YEA!!!

Now I like someone different.

Just kidding.

I’m pretty comfortable with guys. But still they tell me I’m blushing.

Originally Written on April 5, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I am popular. I think. I’ve spent the past 4 days entirely with Becky. After tonight I feel closer to her than I have ever felt.

I called a guy. Roger. It was cool. Not hard at all; not like I thought. He’s going out with Alexis. What does she have that I don’t? I’ve liked him all year. Now I have self confidence though.

We’re just friends. Roger want kiss Alexis. Alexis told him that she’d slap him if he tryed so Roger won’t kiss even hug hug him.

I’m getting a C+ in PE. I never thought I’d stoop so low. The thing was I didn’t even care. Continue Reading

Tom Waits Love Songs

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been working on my mix tape of Tom Waits love songs this week.

I have the goal of finishing it by Valentine’s Day, which is a tall order given that I have been working on this mix for over three years.

I first mentioned it back in January 2008 as I bemoaned the lack of love in my life…

“Tom, I believe, is a man unlike the typical man, with a thorough respect and understanding of that incomprehensible mental state called love.” read the rest of the post

In the post I reference his song San Diego Serenade, but neglect to include it. It’s a great song.

This song is definitely making it onto the mix.

Do you have a favorite Tom Waits love song I should make sure to consider?