Tonight was the D.A.R.E. skate party. Roller skating that is. The night started off well enough, but don’t they all? The first hour and a half was lots of fun. The last hour was hell.
Suddenly I felt as though I’ll never fit into the little circle that Natalie, Windy, Emily and Jordan sorta formed. With David S. and Mike P. Now I may know who they are (only because of Emily, Windy and Natalie) but they have no idea who the hell I am. So I always feel just a teeny bit left out. I guess it was the fact that I didn’t make the squad and that that started my depression. With my manlessness (new word!) mixed in. So I was depressed all the rest of the night.
I just told myself not to cry. But a few tears did happen to fall even through Natalie’s, Windy’s and Emily’s jokes. It was during those jokes that I realized that even though I do feel left out, they really do care. I just want friends who don’t insult you all the time. I mean a lot of the time it’s okay, even hilarious. Like the brainless jokes and such. But you know, when I say that I look bad, I don’t want them to say, “Yeah, you’re right.” I want them to give the tips to help me look better, help me lift my self confidence. I mean it’s already down there. I have confidence in myself. But lately I’ve just felt ugly. I mean, what is it that just makes guys not like me and like others?!!! I can change, and I will. The only reason I ask so hyper and crazy is I’m trying to make up for the time in grade school when I was a “geek” and kept to myself all the time.
It’s always been my “goal” to be what you would call popular. But you have to love yourself before you can let yourself be loved. And I do love myself, I just wish I could love my looks. It’s once in a million years that I get a compliment from my friends. Even if it’s “your hair looks funky today, Jen” I just wish they’d comment. Why can’t I find my Wes? I bought a sticky frog at the roller rink tonight and I wish that if I hope long enough and kiss it long enough, it will turn into a prince. In my mind I see myself with guys falling all over me. In reality it seems that guys are falling all over themselves to get away from me! I guess I just don’t feel loved. Continue Reading
Well, I didn’t make it. Oh well, life goes on. It’s not like I care or anything. Well actually that’s a wee little lie. I care a bit, but it’s not like I’m going to cry all night or anything! Nobody from our “group” made it except Kristin K! I’m so, happy for her! And Beck R. But some people deserved it more than others. I’m one of them.
At lunch Ana + Natalie had a major fight. I’m not going into detail — that would take forever. Let’s just say I’m on Natalie’s side. During the break between 7th and 8th period Ana greeted Natalie with “Hi bitch!”!!!!!!! Ana is an insensitive bitch! Natalie was crying in PE (8°)! Ana just called and I got her like, ottally mad at me! I’m happy. She called and since it was after 9:30 I told her she can’t call me after then! Then Dad told me I couldn’t get calls after 9:30! Ha Ha Ana the fat, ugly bitch! You know there was a car that ttried to swerve around Ana and it ran out of gas! There was another that hit Ana and the car got a big old dent!
Today was the tryouts. I would have written last night but I had to get some sleep for the tryouts. Last night I wasn’t sure if I wanted this or not, but I decided I want it today. We were supposed to find out who made the squad today but we ran out of time and I’ll hear tomorrow on the daily announcements. Imagine that, I’ll hear tomorrow on the daily announcements. Imagine that, I’ll hear whether I made it or not with the rest of the school! That’ll be hell. Do you know how many people are going to start crying in advisement? At least half of the people that tried out! I totally messed up at the end of the cheer! But that’s okay. I was looking at my posture in the mirror and I realize there’s no way I’ll make it. My fists are completely rolled out! I don’t really mind, though! what pissed me off was that since they were running very low on time me + Christy had to try out w/ another girl. We were supposed to try out just the two of us! The girl, Jessica?, totally messed up and started to cry! They let her try again. For some reason I want to make the squad now, but unless everyone else was REALLY bad I have like, no chance! Oh, well! LIfe goes on! I still hope I make it! Chow!
(There was a Big change in my handwriting there! Jeeeeeez!
Today was a very eventfull day. In P.E. I raised my volleyball grade to an A-! Be proud of me! In Band Mr. A asked the flutes which one of us wanted to play percussion on Canto. I always raise my hand ‘ cause I’m never picked. Today he picked me! And Ana. He had Ana play the wood block + triangle and “let” me play the gong! That is the loudest instrument in the entire band! Everytime I made a mistake, the whole band heard! I swear I was still trembling in Pre Algebra. It didn’t help that we had to play the last 3 measures many times before I got close to the right time to gong the gone! I was so nervous! And we’re going to play Canto for the concert! How will I survive?
At lunch I decided to stay after school for cheerleading training. I guess you could call it. So we got started. I’ll try out for cheerleading but I will make it only when people can land on Pluto! I don’t care. I’m only trying out for fun. I just hope i don’t get serious about it. Tryouts are on Tues and until then we have to go to training everyday after school. I’ve been practicing what we learned today all night! I’m sooo hot + sweaty. But, I have it down pretty well and I can’t wait for training tomorrow! I’m getting pretty good at it too kinda. While I learned it, I didn’t understand any of it! But now I do! I kinda want to make the squad but since the cost of the uniform is up in the hundreds, I couldn’t accept the position!
God I hate my life. God I miss Wes! God I wish I had met Wes! God I wish there was a Wes! (See a pattern forming here?) I could go on like this for hours but I won’t. Anyway, you get the picture. The dance was hell and I wish I could cry. I really do. But when I like someone or have a reason to cry I will. One of the two times I danced was w/ Jeff! I’m not upset about dancing with him! But I am depressed because it was to “
I Swear.” I know it shouln’t matter but that’s my song! I didn’t exactly want to dance w/ him on my favorite song. I didn’t want to dance w/ him at all! But I did and it doesn’t matter. After we danced he kept talking to me! I know we’re supposed to be friends but how can we be friends when he flirts w/ me? I know he likes me, no matter how he denies it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable! I could feel his eyes on me as a I danced in the fast dances. The he set me up w/ Dylan B! I really didn’t mind.
I tried to have fun, I really did. I just couldn’t. I danced and everything usual happened. I just danced – smiling on the outside and crying on the inside! Continue Reading
I haven’t written cause there hasn’t been anything to write about. Yesterday Jeff got the idea tha Wes wasn’t real! He started spreading rumors about me going out with a non-existent guy! Can you believe this guy? Of course I told Wes about this and Wes is going to call Jeff (compliments of Nikki N.) to prove his existence.
Then I’ll be able to laugh in Jeff’s face!
I can’t wait till the dance tomorrow! Unfortunately it’s the last dance of the year! I bought a new outfit that all together probably cost about $70! I only spent about $30! I bought the skirt Mom bought the shirt, sliip and bra. Yes, Mom took me bra shopping on Tues! It was the most hellish day in my life! But it’s over with! Thank GOD! Up until now I’ve been wearning one hiding it from the parental units. it was very hard but I lived and then I lived through the shopping although I don’t know how!
I really miss Wes! To me, Wes isn’t fictional anymore. He’s real and he’s out there – I just need to find him! It’s depressing! Chow for now! (I’m a poet + I know it) Continue Reading
Today was Alexis’ last day. I never thought I’d say this but I’m really going to miss Alexis. I hope her life is good in Arizona, I sincerely do.
Here, my life is improving. I told Alexis about my plan about getting Jeff off my back in the beginning of block. So we started talking about this guy I supposedly met at TNT last night. His name is Wes and he goes to Wells. Well, we really hit it off and at the end of the evening he asked me out. I said that I didn’t know and now I’m, like, in love w/ him. Jeff ate it all up!
Anyway, in block I gave Christy my phone number and Jeff wanted it, too. So Alexis gave it to him wrong. The last two numbers were switched. Jeff said he would fax me something. He asked what he should fax me and Alexis replied, “a love letter!’ Jeff came back with “I would but now she’s got a boyfriend!” Alexis totally cracked me up and told me, “I told you so!” over and over. Then Jeff said, “I only started to yesterday!” I just sat there thinking Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD! He actually told me he liked me!
I swear JEEEEEEEEZ!
But he fell for my plan! I’m so happy, I got him off my back. Now he won’t ask me out! Of course he could still like me, but he won’t show it nearly as much now! Thank God! Now I don’t have to worry about saying no! Thank GOD! Thank you Alexis! Now all I need to do is keep the story going!
Today was better, although this morning I wanted to run the track to just run away form my problems. Unfortunately it’s been raining and the track was flooded.
I hope we get to run tomorrow!
Especially since I have a major trouble. Jeff admitted to liking me (says Cassie) and flirted with me through block. I tried to avoid all talking w/ him. I only had to sit by him for 79 minutes (8th graders are taking CLAS testing and the scedules are fucked up). Tomorrow I have to avoid him for four hours! I have a plan though. I’m going to get Alexis to ask me about this new guy I supposedly like. I’ll give him a name – we’ll describe him as total different than Jeff so Jeff’ll get discouraged and won’t ask me out! Nothing happened w/ Robbie although Cassie, Natalie and Lex are still set on our going out!
Tomorrow’s Alexis’ last day. I used to be a little glad she was moving. But now Alexis and I are getting along I don’t want her to move! I won’t miss her bosiness or temper but I will miss having her at our table in block and our friendship.
Today was not a good day! I’m about to cry. I’ll start at the beginning:
Lunch – Natalie, Lex, Cassie, Ana and I were trying to think of how we could get everyone who went to the party to go out w/ someone. They went on about how cute Robbie and I look together and how perfect we were for eachother. Cassie said something like how it wouldn’t matter if we went out since we’ve kissed so many times! So Cassie went over to Robbie and asked him to go out w/ me. He said he didn’t know who I was although Cassie thinks he didn’t know who she was talking about.
History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie. Finally I found out that Cassie asked him to go out w/ me. He said he didn’t know if he would or not – meanwhile everyone was totally bugging me about if I was going out w/ Robbie or not.
French 6° — Lex inform people I’m “sort of” going out w/ Robbie. I deny it but it’s no use. I try to kill Cassie.
I am pretty sure that Cassie survives this day.
Language 7-8° — Jeff finds out Robbie and I might be going out. He keeps trying to convince me not to go out w/ Robbie. The problem was I was starting to maybe like Robbie again so I wanted to go out w/ him! Cassie tells me that Robbie wants me to ask him out to make sure I want to go out w/ him. Cassie said Robbie would say yes. Everyone kept badgering me and badgering me. Jason T. whispered my name to get my attention and pointed to me than to Robbie and put his fingers together like we’re kissing! Everyone’s really bugging me + I’m starting to get a little pissed off. I wanted everyone to get off my case but I also wanted to go out w/ Robbie.
Aelxis and Christy said they’d get off my case if I asked Robbie out. So finally Alexis goes and asks him out for me! So now it’s like I liked him and asked him out! Well the end of the day came and I came home TOTALLY depressed ’cause I knew he was going to say “no”. I tried to cry when I came home but I couldn’t. I decide that a phone call to Erika would improve my mood. She told me Christy wanted me to call her because she had some news for me. I try to get hints out of Erika, but she won’t budge. Continue Reading