Author: Jennifer Heller

History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie.

Originally Written on April 25, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was not a good day! I’m about to cry. I’ll start at the beginning:

Lunch – Natalie, Lex, Cassie, Ana and I were trying to think of how we could get everyone who went to the party to go out w/ someone. They went on about how cute Robbie and I look together and how perfect we were for eachother. Cassie said something like how it wouldn’t matter if we went out since we’ve kissed so many times! So Cassie went over to Robbie and asked him to go out w/ me. He said he didn’t know who I was although Cassie thinks he didn’t know who she was talking about.

History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie.  Finally I found out that Cassie asked him to go out w/ me.  He said he didn’t know if he would or not – meanwhile everyone was totally bugging me about if I was going out w/ Robbie or not.

French 6° — Lex inform people I’m “sort of” going out w/ Robbie.  I deny it but it’s no use.  I try to kill Cassie.

I am pretty sure that Cassie survives this day.

Language 7-8° — Jeff finds out Robbie and I might be going out.  He keeps trying to convince me not to go out w/ Robbie.  The problem was I was starting to maybe like Robbie again so I wanted to go out w/ him! Cassie tells me that Robbie wants me to ask him out to make sure I want to go out w/ him.  Cassie said Robbie would say yes.  Everyone kept badgering me and badgering me.  Jason T. whispered my name to get my attention and pointed to me than to Robbie and put his fingers together like we’re kissing!  Everyone’s really bugging me + I’m starting to get a little pissed off.  I wanted everyone to get off my case but I also wanted to go out w/ Robbie.

Aelxis and Christy said they’d get off my case if I asked Robbie out.  So finally Alexis goes and asks him out for me!  So now it’s like I liked him and asked him out!  Well the end of the day came and I came home TOTALLY depressed ’cause I knew he was going to say “no”.  I tried to cry when I came home but I couldn’t.  I decide that a phone call to Erika would improve my mood.  She told me Christy wanted me to call her because she had some news for me.  I try to get hints out of Erika, but she won’t budge. Continue Reading

Life Lesson: Artichokes are not the best take-your-lunch-to-work food

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

They make your fingers all sticky and they’re really hard to eat at your desk when you’re busy working your way through your lunch break.*

Also, if you’re going to cut them in half before cooking, clear out all those little hairs. Otherwise they get all over all the leaves and in your mouth and it’s a lot like licking a cat.**

Lastly, I’ve had artichokes with melted butter, I’ve had them with mayo. But my favorite dipping sauce remains mayo mixed with a bit of curry. What’s yours? Continue Reading

Who’s the Awful Roommate? Smitty Flies Off the Handle

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Poor Smitty is a clean guy, like me. He likes his house clean and his sink empty of dirty dishes.

Back when he was just discovering that about himself, he lived with a number of men who didn’t feel the same way.

No, they liked to leave food all over the place to rot and piled the sink to high heaven with dishes.

Smitty tried to get them to clean up after themselves. Or so he said, anyway.

And then one day, he wanted to make an egg. Such a simple desire! But there was not a clean plate or pan to be found.

He flew off the handle. He grabbed a few dirty dishes from the sink and started pelting their doors with them. It felt pretty good, so he continued until there was not a whole plate to be found.

Though he didn’t ever get his egg, he made sure that those roommates wouldn’t be leaving any more dirty dishes around the house. Continue Reading

Lauren’s Awful Roommate

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Friend of the blog Lauren recounts her worst roommate situation.

A Cat with 50% Accuracy Meets His Match

“I had to move out of the house I loved because my roommate decided to move in his girlfriend and her cat. The problem was we already had a cat with 50% litterbox accuracy.

“My roommate who owned the cat (the same one who decided to move in his gf) decided that instead of cleaning litter boxes more frequently he would just buy more litter boxes. When he did get around to cleaning these boxes he would often leave bags of cat shit sitting in the house. During the summer things really reeked. The thought of having another cat was too much to handle.

“When I raised my concerns, he pointed it out he was the primary lease holder. Dick. Then the girlfriend moves in, she puts all her shit in the living room, not just suit cases but mannequins and sewing machines. It was particularly creepy when I would go downstairs half asleep to see a bunch of mannequins in the living room.

“The first few days I didn’t say anything about the piles of shit in the living room. When I finally moved all her shit to one spot in the living room she said “thank you”. Not “thank you I’ll really need to clean this up right?”.

“After a week I wrote a nice email saying we needed to find a place to store all her shit, offering suggestions and how to get rid of stuff in the common downstairs closet. Her boyfriend and I spent about two hours putting her shit away as she sat there.

“Then the unholy messes left in the kitchen began. The cats were constantly fighting and hair rolled through the house like so many tumbleweeds.


Continue Reading

Partying, Partying, Yeah!! Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Until today (coincidentally a Friday), I’d never heard Rebecca Black’s inane song, Friday.

That did not keep me from learning all the awesome tid bits …

“Front seat? Back seat?? WHICH ONE SHOULD I TAKE??”

“Gotta have my bowl…gotta have my cereal!”

And incorporating them into my life. Not a Friday goes by without a joke about our absent cereal bowls or our indecision around where to sit.

Well today seemed as good as any to finally hear her song. Alex and I just listened to it, and man, what a song. Here it is so you can experience it too:

I have to say…If I were a young person learning the days of the week from Rebecca Black, I would know that yesterday was Thursday, and tomorrow is Saturday…and even that after that we will have a Sunday. But what’s after that??!

You’re letting down young people everywhere, Rebecca. Everywhere.

Suggestion: Release a song called “Monday, Monday.” Here, we’ll even start writing it for you:

“Monday, Monday.
Back to school on Monday.
Yesterday was Sunday. Sunday.
Did I do my homework? Homework?
School, School, School, School.
Everybody’s looking forward to lunchtime, lunchtime!
Tater tots! Tater tots!
Chocolate milk up my nose!

It’s Monday…Monday…
Spitball in my hair.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday!
Gotta do my homework! Homework.

…and so on.

Continue Reading

Confession: I am an awful roommate too

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We’ve been sharing awful roommate stories here on jenniferheller.com as I recover from my last living situation in which Will and I inadvertantly offered a bedroom in our apartment to who was to become known as our Roommate From Hell.

The truth is that he and I were each other’s Roommates From Hell.

You see, I like a clean house. I like clean dishes. I like people who clean up after themselves, and who replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out.

I would have thought that that sort of behavior would be generally expected, but it was foreign to my Roommate From Hell.

After he had neglected to replace the toilet paper multiple times, I texted him thusly…

“Please change the toilet paper for gods sake! From now on my charge is $25 to pick up your slack. Understand?”

Yep, I’m not proud of it, and it was pretty much downhill from there. Continue Reading

Fucking* Priorities

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

They’re driving me mad.

I thirst for exercise.

I can’t survive unless my business succeeds.

I am driven to to blog.  Oh goodness, do I ever want to work on you, jenniferheller.com.

New vision: front page newspaper style layout…slider…and the shop that has been in the works for EVER.  Various authors!!  Avatars for Alex, tales of Tom Petty from g., ridiculous forwards from Dad, dating adventures from Julia, Readers Like You.  And dividing these 700-some posts into some awesome sub-personalities: Drunk Jen / 12-year-old Jen / Single Jen / Jen of Jenfest / Introspective Jen (that’s me)…

My lesson in this year is definitely patience.  I’ve avoided it for decades.  But no, no…you, Jennifer Heller, are going to be patient.

(That’s the Universe talking.)

And my insides growl.  How can dreams so big not effect the enjoyment of the present?!  Why does everything have to take so damn long?  Why are there only 24 hours in a day??

These are the questions that  haunt my life.

*sorry people I love, sometimes I cuss. Continue Reading