Author: Jennifer Heller

Ahhhh a childhood game I wasn’t very good at is coming to life!

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

My father sent over this shockingly disturbing video about Google Glasses:

In the future, Google can be with us EVEN MORE than it already is. It can help us get to the art books in a bookstore, or find a dog to pet while walking down the street. Thank goodness I don’t have to ever talk to another book store worker again.

As technology advances, it’s harder and harder to reconcile the perceived absurdity of the science fiction books and games I enjoyed as a pre-teen and the reality of today with those crazy ipad things and little vacuums that travel around the room cleaning for you. Is this the Jetsons or what??

I first met the concept of informative glasses while playing the Journeyman Project, a sci fi game that came out in 1992. Here’s a clip where you–the player–Agent 5–put on the glasses and head out into the world.

These glasses give you all sorts of info about the world…and supposedly help you get through the game.

I wasn’t ever very good at that game, and it haunts me as one that got away…perhaps it was too smart for me, or perhaps those cumbersome informative glasses were just too helpful for me.

So I have to wonder…I’m pretty good at life. But if Google Glasses become a reality, then my life becomes the Journeyman Project and then what if I won’t be good at it anymore??

What do I do??? Drop everything and work to destroy Google? But I have things to do. And friends who work at Google! Also, I’m very reliant on Gmail.

My head is exploding. AHHHHH!!! Continue Reading

In the middle a wave of depression came over me and I spent the rest of the night depressed because I don’t have a boyfriend.

Originally Written on March 3, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Before we begin, I have to point out that the top left of the first page of this entry reads “Make Love Not War”…

…and the top right of the second page reads “Jessica and Christy SUCK!” Contradict yourself much, 12-year-old me?

Well, I haven’t written for awhile so I better catch up:

Thurs 2-24: Valentine’s dance.  In the middle a wave of depression came over me and I spent the rest of the night depressed because I don’t have a boyfriend.  That night I spent the night at Emily’s and we ate tons of ice cream.

Bad Night! (not at Em’s but at the dance)

There has been nothing else really major. Until Tuesday. (last Tuesday) Robbie and Kerry got back together !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I should find someone new.  But there is an upside.  Tom told Kerry that Robbie likes someone else as well as Kerry.  Robbie keeps denying it, which means it’s true.  Kerry says that if it’s true, she’ll dump Robbie.  That means he’ll be free, and what if the person is me!  I doubt it, but there’s a faint glimmer of light. But Robbie said this morning (according to Kristin) that he’d die for Kerry.  You do not know how depressing it is to see them holding hands!  But they don’t do that stuff as much as before so maybe they’re relationship is diminishing.  Besides, there’s a twist:

Tom really, really likes Kerry.  But now that Robbie and Kerry are back together, Tom’s and Robbie’s friendship is on very rough waters.  They’re always fighing.  Doesn’t Kerry see she’s breaking up they’re friendship?!!! I mean, they’ve been best buds since 2nd grade or some junk.  Kerry’s a bitch! Continue Reading

Why would anyone pee on their own toilet seat?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Well, after five long months, I am proud to say that I am finally free of my ROOMMATE FROM HELL (RFH).

And, wonderfully, free from all roommates. I’d like to take this opportunity to kick off a series of horrible roommate stories. Do you have one? Please share them in the comments or send to fanmail@jenniferheller.com.  Bonus points if you have photos to go with!

To kick it off, here’s a good one…

Bright Idea: Let’s Pee on the Toilet Seat

I had just returned to the house to work on moving our final items.  The house, as usual, stank to high heaven of rotted food and cigarettes.  That wasn’t the worst of it…no the worst of it was the pee on the toilet seat. It was caked on there, nice and sticky and yellow.  This guy didn’t drink much water — so much was apparent.

‘Why would anyone pee on their own toilet seat??’ I wondered to myself as I shook my head in disgust.  Thank god I had peed before I left the house.  I had long before decided NOT going to clean up after this idiot any more.

And then he’s back.  Unfortunately.  I recognize that I need to say something, given that I have to return to this apartment that I once loved so much a few more times to get my remaining things.  I approached, reluctantly.

“Hey there. ”  I mustered up my best friendly voice.

The RFH grunted a greeting…if you could call it that.

My blood boiled.  I took a deep breath, and asked him, “Hey, could you refrain from peeing ON the toilet seat?  We still need to use the bathroom…”

“Oh jeez.”

This was all I could take.  “OH JEEZ???”  I wanted to scream, but I kept my voice as calm and still as I could.  “‘OH JEEZ’ is your response to my request for common courtesty?!!”

“Oh come on.  There’s only a few days left.”

Well, he was right about that.  I only had a few days to get in the hundreds of barbs I’d been working on.  I took the opportunity. “I hope your new place is as slovenly as you’d hoped this one would be.”

And turned on my heel and walked away.

Continue Reading

A Muddler: The Poor Boozer’s Coffee Grinder

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Once upon a time Will and I were addicted to coffee.  That time may or may not be now.

We were out of ground coffee the other day.  We were not, however, out of coffee, just ground coffee.  Without a coffee grinder, we stood around the kitchen looking at each other for awhile.

“How about a mortar and pestle?”

Well, we didn’t have one of those.

But what we did have was a muddler — the necessary tool for making Mojitos and Old Fashioneds.  A muddler and a plastic cup.

We weren’t sure it would work, but we were desperate.

And you know what? It did. So, boozers, if you’re out of ground coffee and have a muddler around, no need to suffer through caffeine withdrawal. No, all you need a plastic cup and a lot of elbow grease and you’re back in business.

Phew. Continue Reading

New House = Wonderful Surprises

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The move has been intense.  We’ve been at it for a month, and we’re not done yet.  We’re finally free of the old place, but now our downstairs is filled to the brim with boxes of goodness knows what all.

Thankfully, there have been some wonderful surprises along the way.

Mystery Money

From time to time, we would stumble on a ten dollar bill hidden in a cabinet or door…

Strange, no?

In total we were surprised with about $100 in mystery ten dollar bills.  Can’t argue with that, right?

Surprise Flowers!

My first lazy Sunday afternoon, I heard a knock at the door. Expecting Jehovah’s Witnesses, I opened the door and what did I see?? The most beautiful collection of flowers I could imagine! And our lovely new neighbor offering them to me as a welcome to the neighborhood present.

Thanks new house.

I’m a big fan, I gotta say. Continue Reading

DIY: Pissing Off Your Roommates

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Here are some ideas that people have contributed over the last few weeks, and–it has to be said–a few that I can attest are tried and true.

  • Bitch about them on your blog.  They hate that.
  • Walk around naked ALL THE TIME. Note: Doesn’t work with Burners.
  • Don’t do their dishes. Or yours.
  • Swap out their flatware for yours.  Bonus points if you bury theirs in the yard.
  • Steal their alarm clock.
  • Walk in on them in the bathroom and don’t walk out right away.
  • Make sure that you put your stuff in the fridge in front of theirs so they have to move it no matter what.
  • Have sex in their bed when they’re out of town. Don’t hide the evidence.
  • Always slam the door, then deny that you do.

Continue Reading

My reality fell even deeper into a black hole.

Originally Written on February 17, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was pretty boring. My reality fell even deeper into a black hole. In Math, Alyssia asked Ana where she had been all morning! (Ana was late) Ana says Alyssia doesn’t hate her anymore. I wish Alyssia didn’t hate me anymore. In the whole clicke, Becki is the only one who treats me with any decency. Maybe I’m quiet around them because they’ve never included me in anything. I swear when our troop takes car trips they call “middle shotgun” and play “I Spyy,” completely leaving me, Jessica, Christy and Jenni B. out. Maybe I should liven up at Girl Scouts. I mean I’m usually so hyper! But the second any of them get around I’m afraid of them stereotyping me so I quiet down and I don’t say anything. I wish they’d warm up to me. Then again, maybe I need to warm up to them. Of course what good would that do? They probably would ignore me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll quit the trouop. But I don’t want to. That’s my last connection to Becki. I’ve given up on Amy. She’ll never accept me. I’ll work on Becki. Somehow.

Turbomode: Take Two

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Four years ago, I posted about my life going into turbomode.  I had just been promoted at the BSC (formerly USCA) to the position of Development Director in a year that came with a 75th anniversary gala for 300 and an accompanying fundraising campaign.

On this day in 2012 I find myself in turbomode again.  Only this time my life has been hijacked by a booming business and a sudden change in housing after a long four and a half years.

The trouble is that every time I wind up in turbomode — or just busy — I find that I forget me.  My social life persists (with some exceptions)…as does my work for others.  But the self preservation activities that feed my soul: writing, creating and exercise…all of them out the door.

The Oaxacan wood carving I started 8 weeks ago with a fervor stands unfinished (headless, to be specific) and neglected.  This blog — one of my favorite projects — barely updated.

I’m a people pleaser.  I always have been.  Back when I had life coaching every week, I called that side of me Little Miss Puppet. Little Miss Puppet calls a lot of the shots…she’s always the top priority.  What can I do for you today?

But what should I do for me?

Yesterday I sat on the couch all day definitely not nursing a hangover the size of Texas.  I caught up on Desperate Housewives and Community and didn’t think about anything.  All of a sudden I wanted — no, needed — to create.  My brain started to bubble with blog ideas and plans.

This is the end of my Saturn Return, a time when Saturn’s 30 year old orbit crosses my sky again.* Saturn’s return forces us to face what’s not working for us.  If we face the lessons in its first orbit, they’re easier to take…changes that happen after 60 years of life can be much harder.

I’ve been pretty aware of my Saturn Return since I was 28, though I’ve neglected to share about it here. It wasn’t without inspiration, let me tell you. Yet another thing to blame on Little Miss Puppet!  Bah, that Little Miss Puppet.

At its onset, my Saturn Return forced me to recognize that I was not happy working for someone else’s mission, even if it was a non-profit with a worthy cause.  It forced me to follow my dreams and live the life of an entrepreneur…as crazy as it has been.

Since I have come face to face with that fact that I’m uncomfortable living beyond my means.  That was a tough one.  I’ve also come to understand that — as an enthusiastic collector of stuff — I need to keep all of it in order.  When it’s disorganized and hard to find I get very grumpy…at myself and the world around me.  As much as I haven’t really wanted to admit it, I seek order.

And I seek to take care of me.  To find a way to prioritize the hours that feed my soul, even if it means letting down a friend here or there.  I’m not sure how to make this happen, but it’s an important project to undertake.

And, I’m hoping, the final lesson of my Saturn Return.

*perhaps not exactly right but pretty close Continue Reading