I thought it was big when I finally acquired a doctor. I needed one and this one smells okay and she’s brisk and businesslike. So I kept her.

I’ve had a dentist since birth. Dr. Huntze. When he retired, Dr. Wong took over. Their office is in Pleasanton. My insurance agent, Lou, is in Pleasanton, too.

I’ve always had a hair stylist, too, of course. Though that changes over time. I never had a colorist or a manicurist. My mom had one for awhile though, and she did my nails a couple times. I wouldn’t say she was my manicurist though. From time to time I’ve frequented those walk-in manicure/pedicure places on Telegraph. I’m not really one for manicures though, to be honest.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a tanning salon. I did by some of that spray tanning junk when I was little. I’d do it again. I should do it again.

In the last year I have accumulated an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, an auto mechanic, a cobbler, a tailor, a vacuum cleaner repairman (he does sewing machines too), and a loan officer.

But what I really need is an accountant. Will someone be my accountant? I pay in Tupperware. Lots and lots of Tupperware.*

*over time

I’m petrified

of my first Tupperware party.

On Saturday I attended a party throwing seminar. We discussed recipes and dating techniques. I had been under the impression that I had dating techniques. (Despite all recent evidence to the contrary.)

I’ve been a bona fide Tupperware consultant since August and I’ve avoided consulting a single party. Now, given that I’m like the only active Tupperware Consultant in the Oakland Berkeley area, one might argue that this is a disservice to my local community. I think that’s a good view. I’ll adopt it. That way I can file Tupperware under Philanthropy.

Anyway, I didn’t even want to have a party but some woman found me on the internet and first emailed and then called! Now, who calls a Tupperware Consultant because they’re so eager to have a Tupperware Party?!! (Ok, so I totally did this when planning Jenfest 06. That’s not the point.)

The point is that this lady did, and this Saturday I’m popping my party hymen. From Saturday on, I shall spread throughout the world the joy I have found in Tupperware!! I shall sell SELL SELL!!

I have a list of people to call for datings. I promised my Director I’d have a party lined up by Saturday. Are you on that list? I can write off any trip I take so long as it overlaps with a Tupperware Party, so don’t think you’re so safe, oh friends in other states.

Hee. It’s funny that “Tupperware Party” has the same initials as toilet paper.

My sister thinks I should give out Shit Be Gone toilet paper as party favors. I think that’s just because we have a lot of that though.

My Director plays this game called “Party”. Clever, huh? She fills a small Fridge Keeper with little tiny Tupperwares (keychains and smidgets). Inside each tiny Tupperware is a piece of paper. If you pick one that says “Tupperware Party” you win a Tupperware Party! “Wouldn’t that be fun?” she says. You could win a “10% off one product”–that’s the real reason to play. She says about 50% of the papers say “Tupperware Party.” Such a sneaky way to get people to commit to hosting a party. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Ethics, you know.

I think that in my teeny Tupperware in my 6 cup Heat n Serve (my small Fridgekeeper holds my salad mix), I shall abbreviate “Tupperware Party” to “TP.” Then they can choose between Shit be Gone and a party with me. Of course should anyone pick the toilet paper, I’ll say “So you’d rather wipe your ass then hang out with me again?!”

Yes, that will be a good game. I’m sure it will help me avoid all Tupperware Parties in the future.

Now, let this be a solemn vow: As a Tupperware Consultant, I swear I will not make those mocha brownies out of that Vanilla Spice packet, cake mix and water and mayonnaise and instant coffee and whatever. That’s disgusting. I have ideals, yo.

The problem is, I don’t know what I will make. Salsa, maybe?

And what will I say? How will I greet them at the door?!

“Hello! Nice to see you. My name is Susie, and I will be your Tupperware Consultant this afternoon. I’m soooo excited!! Oooh, and my father calls Tupperware Tuppyware! How cute is that? It’s in my blood. I’ve found so much freedom in my Tupperware career. What do you do?”

Yes, I’m ever so witty. And I love Tupperware. It’s bound to be a successful party. And career.

my second Jewish funeral today

and hopefully the last funeral of a close family member that I never knew that I will ever attend. Probably I will get this wish, unless family I never knew about starts coming out of the woodwork. And dying. Now that would be scary.

My favorite part of the Jewish funeral tradition: Getting to help to bury the dead! With shovels, dirt, and all.

My least favorite part of the Jewish funeral tradition: Not being Jewish. As I am not technically a Jew (though I am of Jewish heritage), I don’t get one of these black ribbon things to tear at the end of the funeral and pin to myself for seven days to symbolize my mourning. Which is appropriate given that I hardly knew both of my father’s parents, but also inconvenient given that one of the most appealing aspects of having a death in one’s life is getting to milk the sympathy from the utters of everyone you know for as long as society deems appropriate. Which I still plan on doing.

My least favorite part of death: The concept of burying one’s dead in a casket which is enclosed in another casket of concrete. The casket of concrete serves to keep decaying bodies from contaminating drinking water. But how is anyone going to rejoin the universe that gave them life if they remain for eternity decaying enclosed in concrete?!!

My favorite part of the family trip to the funeral: my father’s joke that I shall have my ashes kept in Tupperware. Apparently he wasn’t a fan of my blog back in 2005 when I wrote my living will.

Susie J's Life Lessons

August 15, 2006

1. Two weeks is too long for a birthday.

2. To release a jello mold, first soak the mold in hot water for a few minutes. Then place a plate on top, and quickly flip the mold and the plate so the jello lands centered on the plate. If the jello isn’t immediately released, soak it again in hot water for another minute and try again.

3. One can bake in the microwave!! But first one needs the Tupperware Microsteamer.

4. Work doesn’t do itself. My body doesn’t feed itself. Mail doesn’t read itself. Blogs don’t write themselves. And problems just don’t resolve themselves, no matter how much you might wish they would. Ooooh, but what if they did??

Dear Google,

I’m a big fan.

  • Google Maps satellite view enabled me to take a screenshot of my new apartment building. It’s a dome!! Seriously. It’s our dome sweet dome.
  • I recently put the code for Google Analytics in the company website, allowing me to track the usage of every link in a totally revolutionary and unique way!! And those graphs you provide are really easy to read and informative if I’m only looking for a quick overview.
  • Google Calendar changed my life. I now have thirteen different calendars–all different colors! Many are shared with my coworkers, friends and family. The important dates for my workplace are publicized on the web via a USCA Google Calendar. (Search for it! I keep it nicely up to date.) It’s the most effective and efficient way to share a schedule that’s ever been created. That might be quite a statement, but I’ll stand by it.
  • Gtalk has brought instand messaging back in my life! I forgot how much faster I type than talk. And I can IM multiple gmail users at once, making it even easier to keep in touch!
  • And gmail…with its infinite storage and easy search engine. You’ve got a great spam filter, and I really like and utilize the labels. I have a label for every money-making scheme I’m working on! Though I have to say, it is a little too difficult to get to everything you’ve ever labled a certain label if you don’t have something from that label right in front of you. You should look into doing something about that.

Now google, it’s my birthday today, and you know what I’d really like for my birthday? Not a pony or even a set of kitchen knives (which I really do need). For my birthday, I’d really like a Google Tasks. Each task would be a bubble on a blank page. They’ll resemble the appointments on Google Calendar, but you’ll be able to move them around and change their size and color to organize them in whatever way is intuitive and relevant to the tasks at the time! Like mutable magnets on a refridgerator, you can put the important ones on top–or in the middle–I’m going to use bright red to represent IMPERATIVE. And when you double-click on a task, it will open up a fresh refridgerator for decorating with all that task’s subtasks. And let’s also be able to put in pictures and websites as subtasks. Some of my tasks are websites. Like is a subset of the Bills task. My Bills Google Calendar is brown too.

I’d really appreciate your immediate attention to this matter. Google Tasks will be the last major tool I need to live my life powerfully and efficiently–in this, my twenty-sixth year and for each year thereafter. You see, I’d program it myself but it’d take me sooo long–even though I’m sure it’s just a bit of object oriented programming and a slick interface. Not that y’all aren’t geniuses, but you totally haven’t thought of this yet. Oooh, I know! I’ll throw in a discount on some tupperware? How about a chip bowl with a little salsa container that hangs on the side?

And you don’t even have to give me a precentage for using my idea. Just the convenience will be enough. And a share or two, of course.

Cooperatively yours,
Susie J.

P.S. Can you also help me create that my new dome-icile is available a week earlier? That’d be great.