I’m petrified

of my first Tupperware party.

On Saturday I attended a party throwing seminar. We discussed recipes and dating techniques. I had been under the impression that I had dating techniques. (Despite all recent evidence to the contrary.)

I’ve been a bona fide Tupperware consultant since August and I’ve avoided consulting a single party. Now, given that I’m like the only active Tupperware Consultant in the Oakland Berkeley area, one might argue that this is a disservice to my local community. I think that’s a good view. I’ll adopt it. That way I can file Tupperware under Philanthropy.

Anyway, I didn’t even want to have a party but some woman found me on the internet and first emailed and then called! Now, who calls a Tupperware Consultant because they’re so eager to have a Tupperware Party?!! (Ok, so I totally did this when planning Jenfest 06. That’s not the point.)

The point is that this lady did, and this Saturday I’m popping my party hymen. From Saturday on, I shall spread throughout the world the joy I have found in Tupperware!! I shall sell SELL SELL!!

I have a list of people to call for datings. I promised my Director I’d have a party lined up by Saturday. Are you on that list? I can write off any trip I take so long as it overlaps with a Tupperware Party, so don’t think you’re so safe, oh friends in other states.

Hee. It’s funny that “Tupperware Party” has the same initials as toilet paper.

My sister thinks I should give out Shit Be Gone toilet paper as party favors. I think that’s just because we have a lot of that though.

My Director plays this game called “Party”. Clever, huh? She fills a small Fridge Keeper with little tiny Tupperwares (keychains and smidgets). Inside each tiny Tupperware is a piece of paper. If you pick one that says “Tupperware Party” you win a Tupperware Party! “Wouldn’t that be fun?” she says. You could win a “10% off one product”–that’s the real reason to play. She says about 50% of the papers say “Tupperware Party.” Such a sneaky way to get people to commit to hosting a party. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Ethics, you know.

I think that in my teeny Tupperware in my 6 cup Heat n Serve (my small Fridgekeeper holds my salad mix), I shall abbreviate “Tupperware Party” to “TP.” Then they can choose between Shit be Gone and a party with me. Of course should anyone pick the toilet paper, I’ll say “So you’d rather wipe your ass then hang out with me again?!”

Yes, that will be a good game. I’m sure it will help me avoid all Tupperware Parties in the future.

Now, let this be a solemn vow: As a Tupperware Consultant, I swear I will not make those mocha brownies out of that Vanilla Spice packet, cake mix and water and mayonnaise and instant coffee and whatever. That’s disgusting. I have ideals, yo.

The problem is, I don’t know what I will make. Salsa, maybe?

And what will I say? How will I greet them at the door?!

“Hello! Nice to see you. My name is Susie, and I will be your Tupperware Consultant this afternoon. I’m soooo excited!! Oooh, and my father calls Tupperware Tuppyware! How cute is that? It’s in my blood. I’ve found so much freedom in my Tupperware career. What do you do?”

Yes, I’m ever so witty. And I love Tupperware. It’s bound to be a successful party. And career.