To deadpan or not to deadpan

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I realized about ten or so days ago that I wanted to be a Talk Show Host.

I’ve been amazed at the reactions from the people in my life. Most of the time, without fail, they say something like, “You’d be good at that” or “What a good idea.” I’m not surprised by the support of the people in my life–they are always truly wonderful that way. What I’m surprised by is the way that all of a sudden all the pieces of all of my projects start fitting together. I am a person of many diverse and spontaneous interests, and the forum of a talk show is suddenly the perfect fit for all (or most) of these.

On Saturday I got it into my head to film my first show three hours later. I accepted that it was going to be a true experiment. I had no script–only a guest and a few silly questions, a couple products to plug and a spattering of friends to be the studio audience who I knew would come through with ideas if we hit a lull. And they did–without their urging I wouldn’t have attempted a monologue and I probably would have gone on and on about the virtues of Tupperware far longer then I did.

My inaugural studio audience was composed of great friends who happened to be available. I did give them each a free gift (like every good talk show host!), but that doesn't nearly thank them enough for attending.

This inaugural filming, I faced many challenges–logistics, nerves, fear, and, perhaps most importantly, my inability to deadpan. One of the questions I wanted to ask Mike, my guest, was, “I have a cabinet in my kitchen that won’t stay closed. Is there anything analogous to that in your life?” (I don’t recall whether his answer was usable… I’m afraid that it won’t be…) I had to ask the question twice because the first time I found it so ridiculously funny that I cracked up.  Even the second time will only be usable if I cut to his reaction because I could not suppress my wide smile. Continue Reading

…never heard the melody, til I needed the song…

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been home sick for five days straight.

This has given me plenty of time for mulling over my recent life decisions and resolutions, new plans and old promises.

I don’t know that I’ve gotten anywhere. If I am to believe my uplifting daily quotes, there is nowhere to go.

And I’d really like to believe that.

I’m making a mix tape of my favorite Tom Waits love songs. Tom, I believe, is a man unlike the typical man, with a thorough respect and understanding of that incomprehensible mental state called love. If only he were available for marriage, I dream.

These love songs, though! They used to be laced with wrenching memories of lost love. Now they echo within almost emptily, having lost a certain poignancy.

Maybe as a reaction to heartbreak, which I wrote about here, in the early years of this blog, I began a search for hilarity in the mundane. And I found it. You always find what you’re looking for, of course. And if you keep looking, you’ll find it again. I’ve found it again. And again and again.

I wonder, though, if I’d forgotten to keep an eye out, and a healthy respect for the heartbreak that is also so beautifully ubiquitous.

Or, rather, as a corollary, perhaps I’ve neglected the naively hopeful hope that is a necessary condition for true heartbreak.

Oooh, I’ve been heartbroken. In the two years of this blog, I was definitely heartbroken to learn that the domain name tupperwaresisters.com was against the rules. I was heartbroken to take my current job and not travel the world selling the EuroSteam. I was heartbroken late last year, but I won’t speak of that here.

When my sister got married this year, I couldn’t believe that she had shaken–or rejected–the healthy cynicism that is so becoming to a woman nowadays.

I wonder, sitting here today, gray as the skies are, if her skies might be blue.

It’s been a good year so far. It keeps getting better. It’s a year of finishing projects, and not beginning new ones. It’s a year for art museums and rekindling curiosities.

And, by god, it’s a year for falling in love.

the crush list

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

in order of increasing crushness

5. The Bartender. (He never called, but totally still makes the list. I’m going to call him Donny, even though his name is Danny, just like I do with Danny from NKOTB.)

4. My internet boyfriend.

3. My date from Friday night. He was hella funny. That counts for a lot. I have doubts about us working out in the long run, though, because he is–like me–rather forgetful. And that’s the kind of negative trait that gets exponentially annoying whenever you have more than one person possessing it in one room. It was, though, hella sexy when he was talking about the airline business. He scored big points for that strange obsession. I’ll go out with him again.

2. The ex. OMG.

1.5 Hot German grad student. He’s likely the winner of most attractive, though the votes aren’t in. He just left me the funniest message. He says he would like to have a drink with me this week, but he wants me to know that he’s probably not going to buy any Tupperware.

1. Oh the unavailable. This one is so perfectly clever, gorgeous and sensitive. That sparkle in his eyes. That way he sits closer when he’s talking about something that makes him excited. Like he’s telling me a secret. Just for me. Ooh I just want to eat his brain for lunch! Is that weird?

my flailing tupperware business

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

somehow doesn’t matter.

my website has the March specials….though they are thankfully not labeled as such.

I haven’t had a Tupperware party yet this year.

Not one person who leaves me a message neglects to tell me that my voicemail still advertises the value of the 40% off April Gift Sets. What a value those were!!

And this, Tupperware’s birthday month. A month jam packed with specials.

Maybe I’m not meant to earn thousand(s) of dollars a month working just four hours a week!

Maybe I’m just a Tupperware fan, and not a Tupperware lady.

Or maybe I just have a life, and a sufficient enough income.

I’m boring.

Please accept my apologies.

WARNING: WAY, WAY TMI

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

You have been warned.

I was wondering today when I might expect my period. I have a lot of deadlines coming up, and I want to make sure I can take the half day it normally demands of going home early, laying around and smoking out the window.

A lot of women my age know how long their cycle is and when it’s coming. Like it comes every 27 days or whatever, and lasts between four and five. And if they don’t know that much, they know roughly, or they know they can’t expect it at any determined time whatsoever.

I always feel mine coming, but I never know for sure when it will arrive. I’m always surprised. I have pimples right now, so that always makes me wonder, is it coming? I don’t think I feel it. Let me check. Mmm… nope.

So it was this thought process that was occupying my head as I flossed this evening. I remembered how months ago I had made myself a Google calendar called Personal, and had intended to use it to track this very thing. Doctor’s offices ask for this information all the time. How awesome would it be not have to surmise that it was about two and a half weeks ago, because chances are pretty good that it was about two and a half weeks ago. That always makes sense to me. I don’t know why.

Personal hasn’t really gotten much use. Let me see. Oh wait, yes it did. June 8th, 2006 was a heavy flow day. Totally informative.

Anyway, as I flossed, I tried to remember something distinctive about the day when I last got my period, but all I could remember was thinking that I ought to add that day to Personal and finally start tracking my cycle and better understanding my hormones. (And, while we’re going with TMI, I want to understand my fertility cycle, too, if you must know. I want a baby. Eventually. And before then I hella don’t.)

I kept flossing. I remembered chatting with Julia about how much better I was feeling now that the flow had commenced. And so I searched: Julia period.

Julia: aaaaaaawwww!

how’s work?
1:54 PM me: i got my period this morning and now I’M IN SO MUCH PAIN

Yep. The first day of my last period was October 23, 2006. Unless maybe it wasn’t Julia I had been talking to in this memory of gchat?

The point is that I could figure it out. But so could Google!! Now they’ve taken over my blog. They have my calendar, my email, my photos! My mailing lists are GOOGLE DOCUMENTS! (I do not store credit card numbers. The Tupperware Sisters provide secure transactions for all their customers.)

And now they know that susiejster@gmail.com is actually me!! And they know that it was I that wrote them all those letters alternating between my two gmail accounts so they’d think there was more support for my ideas!

Oooooh Google. You may as well have my soul too.

I think I'm deep

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

And I think I’m attractive, and I think I’m smart.

Today was my second Tupperware Party.

John gave it a C and I agree.

I missed my cat the entire time.

He just reached his paws around me and gave me a claw filled hug. And then he bit my leg.

When you asked what I was doing this weekend, I should have said, “Frantically preparing for my next Tupperware Party.”

Frantically preparing for life is more like it.

I have a new boss. But my fear of commitment remains. I may be on time today…tomorrow…all next week.

But that doesn’t mean anything.

My sister and I knew each other in a past life. My sister and I are opposite sides of a ribbon stretching through space and time. My cat is a fifteen year (?) stain on that ribbon.

I never claimed to know anything. I still don’t. I know about Tupperware; I know about super sponges. I hella know about co-ops.

But I still don’t know about me.

And I sure as hell still don’t know about you.

v day

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

last year I had a miraculously romantic Valentine’s Day. I was working long hours at a Home Show in Colorado. The weather was below thirty; the show was slow. I wasn’t really slinging those sponges.

The two gentleman (using the term loosely) to my left kept me pretty well entertained. I talked on the phone a lot, too–as I always do during slow shoes. My Nokia had a radio and that was pretty sweet.

And then there was the Quick n’ Bright Guy. (Quick n’ Bright is an amazing biodegradable natural cleanser. It’s totally powerful. Just apply it, walk away, come back and it’s eaten through your shower scum and/or other residue. Amazing.)

I met Quick n’ Bright Guy (QNBG) six or so months earlier working the Ventura County Fair. I spent most of that fair sleeping on sponge boxes in the back of my booth. I was perpetually hungover.

We’d gone on one date. We ate pizza at a local joint, shared a fifth of Jim Beam (is that the small one–I never know?), and took a walk down the beach. His dog came. I don’t remember the dog’s name. The dog wasn’t with him this trip. He ran away a couple months later while they were on the road. QNBG had to get to a job and didn’t have time to wait to see if the dog would return. Somewhere in Utah, I think. Such a sad story.

He was full of stories. But I was interested in another vendor at the Ventura County Fair, so we didn’t go out again.

Here he was in Colorado. And I was bored. We made a date for Monday. Then I couldn’t do Monday. (I was avoiding the date.) So I postponed for Tuesday. Valentine’s Day. (I hadn’t realized.)

I hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve broken up more times than I’ve been kissed on this stupid day. I avoid it at all costs (though today I had a lovely time singing love songs to myself). Anyway, it was Valentine’s Day. And I had a date. And then I had a call from Zach informing me that mystery flowers had shown up on our doorstep back home*!! Romance was uncharacteristically in the air.

As it was when I found myself sharing a smoke with him while snowflakes fell about a park on our post-work stroll through random park from the car to Applebee’s. His nose was so cold! It was cute. I had some prawn thing with broccoli. It wasn’t so bad. I imagine he ate beef. Days later we knew the bartenders by name. I would pound a whiskey and nurse a 14 ouncer of Bud Light, and then drop him off and drive the hour back to my aunt’s house.

Anyway, I’m happily not selling sponges today. And I happily received two extremely large boxes of Tupperware today. And Tupperware is totally better than flowers. It lasts longer, for one thing. Lifetime guarantee, even.**

*Card read “Just in case nobody else sends you flowers.”
**Contact me to learn how to get FREE Tupperware just by hosting a party!