I want to have sex with my dishwasher

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

It’s 2020 and the world has gone to shit. I’m focusing on the positives and I feel like I have to come clean:

I want to have sex with my dishwasher.

In any other year, this would not be good news. I’m happily married. I’ve never had any sort of sexual feelings about appliances despite my collection of increasingly provocative vibrators. But, in 2020, the desire to have an extramarital relationship with an appliance somehow lands in the Good News column.

I’ve spent my adult life doing my dishes by hand. I even convinced myself that I liked it. “I get ideas while washing dishes,” I told my friend Madeleine years ago when she introduced me to her portable dishwasher.

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Call them “Baby”

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Once upon a time I was promiscuous college student with all the behavior one would expect from a promiscuous college student. To that end, I accidentally called my lover by the wrong name one night.

I’m not proud of it, but it happened….and it is pretty funny in retrospect.

I shared this story with my coworkers at the time, and Betsy said, “That’s why you call them ‘Baby.'” Pure gold.

Today I sent an email to the right person and called them the wrong name. Can I help it if I’m juggling a great many clients just at this juncture??*

She called me on it and it was terribly embarrassing. I’m thinking that from now, I address all emails, “Hi there”. Why the “there”?? Why not?**

*I need some help, man. Or to only accept larger projects.
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Question: How you sneak booze into Oakland’s Oracle Arena?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Answer: In your pants!! They check your bag but they don’t pat you down.

Tip: Put the alcohol you are smuggling into Oracle Arena in a thin plastic bottle. Don’t risk losing a flask. I heard that a Korbel Brandy one works pretty well.

You won’t miss the show while waiting to refresh your beverage, and you won’t have to pay for more than one $13 Sierra Nevada. If you’re sitting in the front row, head to the Oracle Arena bathroom to refill or risk getting yourself kicked out.

One girl got some brandy in under skinny jeans. I was so jealous.

To deadpan or not to deadpan

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I realized about ten or so days ago that I wanted to be a Talk Show Host.

I’ve been amazed at the reactions from the people in my life. Most of the time, without fail, they say something like, “You’d be good at that” or “What a good idea.” I’m not surprised by the support of the people in my life–they are always truly wonderful that way. What I’m surprised by is the way that all of a sudden all the pieces of all of my projects start fitting together. I am a person of many diverse and spontaneous interests, and the forum of a talk show is suddenly the perfect fit for all (or most) of these.

On Saturday I got it into my head to film my first show three hours later. I accepted that it was going to be a true experiment. I had no script–only a guest and a few silly questions, a couple products to plug and a spattering of friends to be the studio audience who I knew would come through with ideas if we hit a lull. And they did–without their urging I wouldn’t have attempted a monologue and I probably would have gone on and on about the virtues of Tupperware far longer then I did.

My inaugural studio audience was composed of great friends who happened to be available. I did give them each a free gift (like every good talk show host!), but that doesn't nearly thank them enough for attending.

This inaugural filming, I faced many challenges–logistics, nerves, fear, and, perhaps most importantly, my inability to deadpan. One of the questions I wanted to ask Mike, my guest, was, “I have a cabinet in my kitchen that won’t stay closed. Is there anything analogous to that in your life?” (I don’t recall whether his answer was usable… I’m afraid that it won’t be…) I had to ask the question twice because the first time I found it so ridiculously funny that I cracked up.  Even the second time will only be usable if I cut to his reaction because I could not suppress my wide smile. Continue Reading

Open for feedback…

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Who is going to be Jennifer’s Next Top Roommate(s)?

After a long year and a half I am bidding farewell to my roommate, and good friend, Julia. We have a beautiful two-bedroom apartment a seven minute’s walk from MacArthur Bart towards Piedmont. We’ve lived in this neighborhood forever—it’s a good neighborhood. When we saw the posting for our apartment on Craigslist we wondered what could possibly cost $1850 in our neighborhood. A two-bedroom for $1850?? Ridiculous. And that’s what it is. Ridiculous and beautiful.

The opening: The room is huge and you could put your bed in your walk-in closet if you wanted to. It gets beautiful morning light. It is bigger, and better than my room. We share a kitchen, a living room (both of which are adjacent to my room), a hallway, and a utility room where we keep the recycling, mop sink and one of two litterboxes. The bathroom has a closet that has another closet in it. We have a total of five walk-in closets!

About us: I am Jennifer of Jenfest. My male tabby cat is The Guster. He’s awesome. He eats twice a day, and won’t let you forget it. We share our home with a number of plants. We try to eat mainly organic, including meat. We have a Cusinart, but you have to watch the DVD before I will let you use it. I am great at making a blue cheese pecan dip. We compost and recycle everything possible. Trash is picked up on Fridays. I enjoy my recreational time (and intoxicants), but I work a lot. I have friends over rather a lot. Hopefully you would be a friend. I have a boyfriend who stays over about three nights a week. We keep the house clean and friendly. We have cable and wireless, which is $65/month shared.

About you: You are one or two people, independently wealthy, or otherwise gainfully employed. If you are two people, you are together willing to pay a negotiable larger share of rent due to size of the room, etc. You like to cook—or maybe you don’t. You’re interesting, and interested. You like to share stories. Maybe you have a cat or a dog (I would need to check with the landlord about the dog). It would be cool if you had a toaster oven. You like to cooperate and appreciate what comes out of working together. You pay rent on time. You may not know me already, but we will get along great. More than anything else, you want to live in a bomb-ass apartment with a fun and adventurous roommate.