It’s 2020 and the world has gone to shit. I’m focusing on the positives and I feel like I have to come clean:
I want to have sex with my dishwasher.
In any other year, this would not be good news. I’m happily married. I’ve never had any sort of sexual feelings about appliances despite my collection of increasingly provocative vibrators. But, in 2020, the desire to have an extramarital relationship with an appliance somehow lands in the Good News column.
I’ve spent my adult life doing my dishes by hand. I even convinced myself that I liked it. “I get ideas while washing dishes,” I told my friend Madeleine years ago when she introduced me to her portable dishwasher.
I was sure that having a portable dishwasher would be a pain in the ass. I like old architecture, kitchens with cupboards that were once ice boxes, with shelves with holes in them to allow the cold to float up. Nowhere that I had lived had a dishwasher and I was completely okay with that.
Then came parenthood and the incredible onslaught of tasks that brings. I calculated the number of minutes per week that we spend doing dishes.
“It is time to get a portable dishwasher!” I proclaimed. I told myself that somehow it would be worth the hassle of rolling it over to the sink.
And it was.
We got an old one, off of Craiglist. A Kenmore. I call him, “Ken.” An experienced, dependable lover…err… worker. Not as water-wise as some, but trusty, fastidious, detailed in his lovemaking…err… dishwashing.
That sexy beast. The vibrations as it moves through cycles. The steamy dishes, that come out so hot, so clean. Oh, the vigorous, sultry angles of his boxy shape. Oh, to be those dishes. To crawl inside, become one with him.
Right away, I came clean: “That is the sexiest appliance, I’ve ever met,” I told my husband.
He didn’t think that was a weird thing for me to say. But it didn’t stop there. If only.
Wile putting away the cleanest dishes I’ve ever seen, I would get frazzled. Go up and put on a touch of rogue, some lipstick. Come back naked!
“Oh hello, ‘Ken’… You won’t mind if I just sit on you a moment…” I look up, suddenly. The neighbors can see me. Better put my clothes on.
Rolling it around my kitchen. It’s so big, bulky, heavy. So effective. Oh how it gets my juices flowing.
The sexy escape I need from 2020: an affair with my dishwasher.
Hey, if sex dolls are becoming main-stream, then appliance-human love can’t be too far away. Time to talk to the hubby about an open marriage again…