but it's okay cause Alex picked up some curl creme at Walgreens today.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I left my wallet at Beckett’s the other night. Three days later, I left my watch at the security check point at the courthouse. I looked into the eyes of that security guard, and I solemnly pledged, as I had to the bar proprietor, “I have learned my lesson.”

Some lessons are so easy.

Some are so hard. Like keeping the toothpaste on the toothbrush. You have to keep the toothbrush vertical. I can’t seem to get that down. Today not only did I lose my first blob of toothpaste but the second glob fell out of my mouth into the bathroom sink!

Research is key, kids. Research is key.

Life==research? if so, then necessarily true?

I thought the Matrix was a good movie. I liked the idea of us living in a virtual reality. I’ve thought for awhile that if only I’d go into retirement homes–posh–that’d be the ticket. You know the key there is virtual reality. And drugs.*

And why, oh why, do we capitalize the word Internet? It’s like some freaky foreshadowing of this future where we live in a digital world.

right, okay, it’s been a long day.

*looking for investors!!

best story ever

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Alex and I have had a third roommate living in our Dome for the majority of this year. Hw moved out on Monday, coincidentally the night I decided to finish my bottle of Bushmill’s in devotion to what has been a six day marathon drinking fest. I am now completely out of hard liquour, so it’s back to wine if my marathon is to continue. FYI.

Anyway, when my sister came home last night, she had this to relate about the previous evening:

She and Third Roommate were loading the car with Third Roommate’s final load. Alex was going to drive him to his new house and then return home. Apparently, and I, of course, don’t remember any of this, he repeatedly attempted to engage me in conversation. But I was aware of nothing but the level of whiskey in my glass and my dwindling ice supply. He would say something to me, and I would wander to the freezer to refill my glass. He tried to say goodbye and I was too involved in the motion of the ice cubes to respond.

“Hey Susie…” I wander to the freezer.

“So…I’ll see you sometime!” I turn to my computer.

“Okay, then, I’m taking off now…” Where’s that last ice cube tray? Why is the bottle so low?! What’s the Guster up to?

And that, my dears, is awesome. Continue Reading

all i did this weekend was drink.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I let myself do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to water the plants. I didn’t have to clean the house. I didn’t even have to eat.

Instead I got drunk. Went swimming. Went shopping. Got more drunk. Stayed home. Watched romantic comedies. And cried myself to sleep with these big fat crocodile tears I’d only read about in mediocre novels.

These big fat crocodile tears were my company. Friends, too. My cat, as well. My sister, bless her soul.

It’s so funny…this time of the month. It’s funny this month…with the sun out. My soul is light but my heart is heavy.

And I’m a little bit hungover. I’m going to go meet my old boss for drinks after work, so, really, there’s no need to end the marathon.

Though I do need to get more whiskey. And make more banana bread for breakfast tomorrow.

I get to do whatever I want. Forever. And, that, my dears, is fantastic.

I got a card in the mail

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

from this nonprofit I send money to. I like to think of it like I’m sending money straight to my adopted daughter in Vietnam, but I know it’s not really like that.

I sent her some colored pencils and a coloring book for her birthday. That wasn’t what the card was about though.

It’s been one year since I began supporting Nguyen. My thirty dollars a month makes so much available in her life.

That’s me. Philanthropic.

That’s me. Self-indulgent.

I had a conversation today about the nature of personality. It was my most favorite conversation today. And I had some doosies.

(How does one spell “doosies”? I’ve never known.)

Are we each a unique bundle of characteristics? Isn’t that what makes us each who we are? But if so, how many can change and yet can we still be the same?

And if not characteristics, then cells? No, cells are replaced in time. We are what we eat, and we grow out of our transient nutrients. The body is such a wonderfully dependable system.

Is the personality such a wonderfully dependable system?

Today, I’m freaking out. A week ago, I was ecstatic. Complete.

How funny how time goes.

In my cult the other day, we wrote down what we know about ourselves. For instance, I wrote, “I like to drink in airport bars and I abandoned my cat.” And so on for a half page or so.

Presumably, when I get my cat from my mom and dad’s on Friday, that particular characteristic will cease to be true.

But I’ll still be me.

I’m still me even though I freak out sometimes.

Isn’t the nature of a decision a limitation on the world? In which case, wouldn’t we be better off had we never decided to be a certain way? Or is it too intrinsic to the nature of dna that we should decide?

What is a decision anyway?

It all depends on your context, your world.

And my world is tired.

you know blog

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

we have to talk about something.

I feel like, sometimes, you judge me. Yep, it’s true. I feel like, if I don’t write on you enough, you start to emit these really hateful vibes. Like, who are you, to think you can keep a blog alive and then watch as it barely even changes on a MONTH TO MONTH basis?!! What kind of mother will you be?!!!!! Would you want to live like that?!! Have some compassion, you HO!

Well, look blog. I’ve been cheating on you. I’ve been toying with various open source software options, and installing plugins to FireFox. I’m even considering installing Linux. And, of course, there’s mySpace. Ohhhh, my beloved mySpace.

Now, I know that we can all get along and you’re down with polyamory and all, but…

To be straight, you’re just not that high of a priority. Do you even know how slow I am at answering email? Let alone phone calls?!!

And you’re a little too public. I’m going to run for civic office one day, you know. We have to be realistic about things. I don’t think this is going to work out.

Unless, maybe, if we made you a wiki, and then I might never be ultimately responsible for your content?

Worth some follow up thinking, I’d say. Your thoughts, blog?

Dear Lord,

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Please, I write because I am in desperate need of your guidance.

You see, I have all this bar of Touch of Mink Soap (accidentally acquired at the Western Washington Fair). Touch of Mink is a line of skin care comprised mainly of mink oil. I had no idea what mink oil was, but I was considering giving the products a try. Women were constantly leaving the Touch of Mink booth exclaiming about how soft their skin was.

“What is Mink Oil, anyway?”

A Touch of Mink represantative had recently purchased two sets of my annoying yet popular magical “Install Self Diverse Electric Rail-Car” game. We had gotten on the subject of the Touch of Mink products, and she had given me a bar of soap from her personal collection for me to try. “It’s actually the oil that lines between the muscle and the skin. It’s harvested once the cadaver is skinned.”

She actually used the word cadaver.

Please, please Lord..what shall I do with this Touch of Mink soap? I can’t even touch it.

Also, I really need to know who could use a bunch of twist ties. They’re long and red and of fairly high quality. They once accompanied a lot of garbage bags–the big, black ones–and now occupy a rather coveted space on my desk. Do you think my adopted daughter in Vietnam could use them for something?

Oh, and who should I vote for in tomorrow’s election?

Thanks in advance for your prompt attention to these time-sensitive and terribly important matters.

Cooperatively yours,
Susie J.

Susie J's life lessons March 13, 2006

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

1. If one clips their toe nails regularly, their socks aren’t wont to get those gaping holes in the big toe.

2. If drinking six vodka tonics and two beers one night lands one in the depths of the H.O., one should deduce that drinking nine vodka tonics and three beers the next night will do the same.

3. Always avoid saying I love you as long as possible.

4. Neglected eyebrows will never pluck themselves.

5. Not only does Schwan deliver delicious ice cream to your doorstep, but it also offers lots of yummy and convenient microwavable party food–the perfect contribution to any friends’ soiree. And they’re hiring. I know cause they have a van parked right outside. It’s going to get a ticket come 9 a.m. for blocking the street sweeper. But I won’t. I learned that lesson.

6. Regretfully, a filing system requires a modest amount of upkeep.

7. America’s Best Value Inn is not, at first inquiry, America’s best value for accomodations.

I deeply and completely love and accept myself

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

About an hour ago, I was a high strung rats’ nest of nerves. I saw my mother earlier today while in a similar condition, and she took the opportunity to impress on me once again a system she and my father and probably others call EFT. It involves saying “Even though [insert issue or deep seated resentment], I deeply and completely love and accept myself” over and over again while banging on different pressure points. They remind me that the sequence of pressure points forms a question mark–a handy, and, for me, personally relevant mnemonic.

I have a lot to deal with this week. (On Thursday I abandon my newly acquired practically full time job to sell sponges for nine days at a Home and Garden Show in Denver, Colorado.) And, I’ve been hearing about this miraculous technique for so long. Seriously. I’d confide about my relationship pains and all they’d pay me was a sidelong glance and, “If only you tried EFT.” Or I’d relate to them how so and so is stuck in rehab, and they’d remark on how much more effective rehab would be if it were to incorporate EFT.

So I incorporated EFT. I’d been harboring this deep resentment for myself every since I lost one of my favorite–and only!–pair of silver hoop earrings (they were the perfect weight!) while making out at the bar with total strangers!! Why oh why must I make out in bars and lose earrings?! I asked myself over and over again. After all, this wasn’t the first time such an incident has occurred. So I tried it, “Even though I lost one of my favorite silver hoop earrings while making out at a bar with strangers, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” Over and over again as I banged against those pressure points.

And it worked!! Then I had a number of other issues to work on, and now I’m awfully sore. But that’s okay. It just gives me more to work on. “Even though I beat myself up letting go of my issues using the miraculous EFT technique, I still love and accept myself.”

It’s the easiest way to let go of addictions: Replace them with new, healthier ones.

Today

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today, the world attacked me. “Hello,” it said as I crossed my legs. “Hello, this is the world.

“This is life.” In all its gory glory.

I’m pretty much to the point of general acceptance. “Okay, my plants are dead. Okay, my world is a mess. And all the universe gave me was an opportunity to move in with my mother.”

I read this poem the other day, and I will only relay a part. The important part:

“Imagine if a smile could make your day
because it meant someone saw your humanity.
Imagine if you made someone’s day
with your smile that recognizes their humanity.”

And you’re sitting there–or I’m sitting there–or we’re sitting there. And we’re across from a friend, simply sitting and having a beer. Where is the humanity? Who is this person across from us? They are a brother, a wife, a friend. Daily. But fundamentally, what? Who? An amalgamation of forgotten dreams? A ball of perceptions and impressions? No, not merely. Then what? This is our plague. The unknown answer to the question we forget to formulate, let alone ask.

I know so many people. I talk to so many people, and what does it mean? Do I know them? Do I recognize the miniscule yet indispensible traits that make them so unique and lovable? And if I do, what then? Does that even get me anywhere?

I do fear that it is that which is so unique and adorable (root: to adore) that we so often neglect in the day to day.

Or it is the deep seated story of a best friend before you know them that is so defining and yet unknown. This is humanity. Humanity begs for change, buys a beer, a carrot, a dog. It is what is so often forgotten as we retreat in our solipsist self-absorption. It is the unknown of those I know that hit me today. It was what I didn’t even know about myself.

And that’s–that’s–how my day was.