you see, ladies and gentleman

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m a Leo. And a romantic.

Leo’s are both loyal and stubborn. They can be loyal to ideas, and stubbornly attached to people. They have a sense of devotion that a Capricorn could never understand. No offense! I don’t mean any. It’s more of a curse than a virtue, I assure you.

I have lingering devotion for friends who got married and populated who I haven’t spoken to in ten years. I wonder at night about these few friends from a lengthy one month sojourn in Britain.

And if that isn’t weird, I don’t know what is. But it’s simple, predictable.

At a young age, I learned an almost Pavlovian response to romance. Underlying this behavior was a devotion to the traditional American cultural beliefs about romance and relationships that everyone preaches. Yet no one is happy. Go figure.

And so I became devoted to romance. To the romantic. It’s why I watch soap operas. Why I go out on dates just for kicks. Why I fall in love again and again. And that, too, is simple and predictable.

The two of them together… inexplicable. Trouble, even. If I have strange devotions to romantic notions that are not based in reality, think of what I can do with what’s semi-real?!

It’s insane. But my stubborn loyalty will never give it up.

WARNING: WAY, WAY TMI

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

You have been warned.

I was wondering today when I might expect my period. I have a lot of deadlines coming up, and I want to make sure I can take the half day it normally demands of going home early, laying around and smoking out the window.

A lot of women my age know how long their cycle is and when it’s coming. Like it comes every 27 days or whatever, and lasts between four and five. And if they don’t know that much, they know roughly, or they know they can’t expect it at any determined time whatsoever.

I always feel mine coming, but I never know for sure when it will arrive. I’m always surprised. I have pimples right now, so that always makes me wonder, is it coming? I don’t think I feel it. Let me check. Mmm… nope.

So it was this thought process that was occupying my head as I flossed this evening. I remembered how months ago I had made myself a Google calendar called Personal, and had intended to use it to track this very thing. Doctor’s offices ask for this information all the time. How awesome would it be not have to surmise that it was about two and a half weeks ago, because chances are pretty good that it was about two and a half weeks ago. That always makes sense to me. I don’t know why.

Personal hasn’t really gotten much use. Let me see. Oh wait, yes it did. June 8th, 2006 was a heavy flow day. Totally informative.

Anyway, as I flossed, I tried to remember something distinctive about the day when I last got my period, but all I could remember was thinking that I ought to add that day to Personal and finally start tracking my cycle and better understanding my hormones. (And, while we’re going with TMI, I want to understand my fertility cycle, too, if you must know. I want a baby. Eventually. And before then I hella don’t.)

I kept flossing. I remembered chatting with Julia about how much better I was feeling now that the flow had commenced. And so I searched: Julia period.

Julia: aaaaaaawwww!

how’s work?
1:54 PM me: i got my period this morning and now I’M IN SO MUCH PAIN

Yep. The first day of my last period was October 23, 2006. Unless maybe it wasn’t Julia I had been talking to in this memory of gchat?

The point is that I could figure it out. But so could Google!! Now they’ve taken over my blog. They have my calendar, my email, my photos! My mailing lists are GOOGLE DOCUMENTS! (I do not store credit card numbers. The Tupperware Sisters provide secure transactions for all their customers.)

And now they know that susiejster@gmail.com is actually me!! And they know that it was I that wrote them all those letters alternating between my two gmail accounts so they’d think there was more support for my ideas!

Oooooh Google. You may as well have my soul too.

I think I'm deep

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

And I think I’m attractive, and I think I’m smart.

Today was my second Tupperware Party.

John gave it a C and I agree.

I missed my cat the entire time.

He just reached his paws around me and gave me a claw filled hug. And then he bit my leg.

When you asked what I was doing this weekend, I should have said, “Frantically preparing for my next Tupperware Party.”

Frantically preparing for life is more like it.

I have a new boss. But my fear of commitment remains. I may be on time today…tomorrow…all next week.

But that doesn’t mean anything.

My sister and I knew each other in a past life. My sister and I are opposite sides of a ribbon stretching through space and time. My cat is a fifteen year (?) stain on that ribbon.

I never claimed to know anything. I still don’t. I know about Tupperware; I know about super sponges. I hella know about co-ops.

But I still don’t know about me.

And I sure as hell still don’t know about you.

v day

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

last year I had a miraculously romantic Valentine’s Day. I was working long hours at a Home Show in Colorado. The weather was below thirty; the show was slow. I wasn’t really slinging those sponges.

The two gentleman (using the term loosely) to my left kept me pretty well entertained. I talked on the phone a lot, too–as I always do during slow shoes. My Nokia had a radio and that was pretty sweet.

And then there was the Quick n’ Bright Guy. (Quick n’ Bright is an amazing biodegradable natural cleanser. It’s totally powerful. Just apply it, walk away, come back and it’s eaten through your shower scum and/or other residue. Amazing.)

I met Quick n’ Bright Guy (QNBG) six or so months earlier working the Ventura County Fair. I spent most of that fair sleeping on sponge boxes in the back of my booth. I was perpetually hungover.

We’d gone on one date. We ate pizza at a local joint, shared a fifth of Jim Beam (is that the small one–I never know?), and took a walk down the beach. His dog came. I don’t remember the dog’s name. The dog wasn’t with him this trip. He ran away a couple months later while they were on the road. QNBG had to get to a job and didn’t have time to wait to see if the dog would return. Somewhere in Utah, I think. Such a sad story.

He was full of stories. But I was interested in another vendor at the Ventura County Fair, so we didn’t go out again.

Here he was in Colorado. And I was bored. We made a date for Monday. Then I couldn’t do Monday. (I was avoiding the date.) So I postponed for Tuesday. Valentine’s Day. (I hadn’t realized.)

I hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve broken up more times than I’ve been kissed on this stupid day. I avoid it at all costs (though today I had a lovely time singing love songs to myself). Anyway, it was Valentine’s Day. And I had a date. And then I had a call from Zach informing me that mystery flowers had shown up on our doorstep back home*!! Romance was uncharacteristically in the air.

As it was when I found myself sharing a smoke with him while snowflakes fell about a park on our post-work stroll through random park from the car to Applebee’s. His nose was so cold! It was cute. I had some prawn thing with broccoli. It wasn’t so bad. I imagine he ate beef. Days later we knew the bartenders by name. I would pound a whiskey and nurse a 14 ouncer of Bud Light, and then drop him off and drive the hour back to my aunt’s house.

Anyway, I’m happily not selling sponges today. And I happily received two extremely large boxes of Tupperware today. And Tupperware is totally better than flowers. It lasts longer, for one thing. Lifetime guarantee, even.**

*Card read “Just in case nobody else sends you flowers.”
**Contact me to learn how to get FREE Tupperware just by hosting a party!

shout outs

Posted on by Jennifer Heller
this Sunday, whatever day in whatever year, I shout out to:
my Dad for hooking up the ticket to Paris 07
Emily for a fantastic visit and for loving on my plants with me
Zack–always a fantastic drunk
Gabe–pen pal and forgiving compatriot
Birthday Boy Joshie Poo–my karaoke partner for life
the men of the world for paying attention to me again
Johnny Cash and Sunday Morning Coming Down
sleepwalkerstheatre
life, of course
football
good sense!

life

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I thought it was big when I finally acquired a doctor. I needed one and this one smells okay and she’s brisk and businesslike. So I kept her.

I’ve had a dentist since birth. Dr. Huntze. When he retired, Dr. Wong took over. Their office is in Pleasanton. My insurance agent, Lou, is in Pleasanton, too.

I’ve always had a hair stylist, too, of course. Though that changes over time. I never had a colorist or a manicurist. My mom had one for awhile though, and she did my nails a couple times. I wouldn’t say she was my manicurist though. From time to time I’ve frequented those walk-in manicure/pedicure places on Telegraph. I’m not really one for manicures though, to be honest.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a tanning salon. I did by some of that spray tanning junk when I was little. I’d do it again. I should do it again.

In the last year I have accumulated an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, an auto mechanic, a cobbler, a tailor, a vacuum cleaner repairman (he does sewing machines too), and a loan officer.

But what I really need is an accountant. Will someone be my accountant? I pay in Tupperware. Lots and lots of Tupperware.*

*over time

February 3rd

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

has always been a pretty big day for me.

For one: it is my half birthday. According to Chinese astrology, one should will best get along with one who’s birthday is as far away as possible–as close to the half birthday as possible–in terms of a long-term romantic relationship. I had a high school crush whose birthday was February 4th…I may still harbor that crush.

In spite of February 3rd being my half birthday, it usually marks a time of rather intense distress–as far as my year goes. I’m a Leo, and I ride high for the majority of the year. But when it hits Aquarius–late January–my world turns to shit. It’s okay. I understand. There’s a greater whole involved. And that’s cool.

It was February Third of 1994 that I first ingested a psychedelic substance. I’ve published here my original journal entry from that year, but I’m not going to take the time to link that now.

As the journal entry relates, however, is this marked change in my perception. The world was bigger than it ever was before.

And I’m happy to relate that, thirteen years later, the world is bigger than it ever was before.

I may be miserable. I may like to marinate in misery. Maybe that’s the way I am.

But the world is bigger than it ever was before. And that makes me happy. In the way that misery never will. In the way that a good dream does.