The problem is, is there’s this empty place inside me because I don’t even have anyone to like.

Originally Written on March 28, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m depressed. I want to go out with someone so bad I can taste it! I swear. The problem is, is there’s this empty place inside me because I don’t even have anyone to like. When I liked Robbie, I could concentrate my efforts on him so I didn’t notice the emptiness. Lately, I’ve tried to fill the space with my love for ice-skating. It doesn’t work that way though. I wish it did. I wish I didn’t have to like someone to feel complete.

I wish the two sexes weren’t attracted to each other.

I’ve felt this way since last Monday when Jordan asked Natalie out. She said yes and although I’m happy for her I’m very jealous. I want to go out w/ someone I want to be the one w/ the boyfriend! Lately I’ve been the butt of a lot of jokes about the fact that I don’t have anyone to like and haven’t gone out with anyone. And usually I make them. It’s just away for me to laugh at my pain. I just wish I could fill the empty space inside. It would be easier if I knew had proof that a few guys like/liked me. Then I could know I could actually have a chance w/ the guy I like! Continue Reading

Somehow, the subject of my kissing Robbie was brought up again! Jeeeeeeeeeeez!

Originally Written on April 12, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Last week was spent at Las Vegas (spring vacation)

So far this week has been hectic. Nothing much has happened, though.

Today, the major stuff was in Block. Somehow, the subject of my kissing Robbie was brought up again! Jeeeeeeeeeeez! Ana sits next to Tom. So I went over to visit Ana and Tom started talking to us. The subject had already been brought up. Tom said that ever since the kiss between us Robbie has never been the same. Tom says he dreams about me and that Robbie told him he woke up this morning thinking something like “It’s after me!” The thing that made it signifigant was later I heard Robbie yelling at Tom about how Tom always tells his secrets and he keeps Tom’s. Could this have been a secret?

Also, Steve W. said Gary L. likes me awhile back so lately I’ve been total nervous in the room as Gary. We’re throwing a surprise going away party for Alexis and Gary’s coming. There’s only going to be 20 peopl (10 of each gender) so what if Gary makes a move? I don’t like him, I don’t like anyone! Then again Gary might not like me at all–I may be making much ado about nothing. Continue Reading

It was at Natalie’s and I was high the entire time. High on what is the question! Probably sugar!

Originally Written on April 17, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Tonight was Lex’s surprise going away boy-girl party. It was great! Sure, I feel sick from all the spinning and have a headache from the head-banging! It was at Natalie’s and I was high the entire time. High on what is the question! Probably sugar! Between my highs I felt stoned. But I danced three times! Twice w/ Tom and another w/ Dave S. They’re both really sweet.

For my first boy-girl party it was cool!

Sure I got really depressed during some of the slow songs but other than that all of the head banging was totally rad! Now, I love to head-bang! The guest list included:

Gals                           Guys
Loni C.                      Dave S.
me                              Tom W.
Lex                             Jeff
Ana                            Mike P.
Natalie                      Billy B.
Erika                          Gary L.
Cassie
Windy
Daniele
Difference?

Continue Reading

ADVICE: Don’t over do it on the head-banging! And the DANCING!

Originally Written on April 18, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

No school today! I just laid around watching the telly in pain while working on my history project. In pain?, you say? Yes, well too much head-banging has a type of hangover. My neck hurts like hell! So do the bottom parts of my legs!

ADVICE: Don’t over do it on the head-banging! And the DANCING!

But it was worth it! I had a great time last night! Even though now I’m sitting around in bed with a heating pad on my neck! The sounds of I swear by All-4-One being distorted by my walkman in my ears.

I <3 that song! It’s my new song! Right now all I have is a radio-recording but “I swear”–get it– that I’ll get a good copy! But I wish last night’ hadn’t ended! I just loved it! I mean, it was alot better than the dances! I don’t know why but I came w/ no expectations so I had a great time! I don’t know why it’s just… Maybe I just had a better time ’cause there weren’t as many people so I wasn’t so self-conscious! Toodles! Chow! Continue Reading

I don’t think I’ll head-bang quite as much!

Originally Written on April 19, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was O.K. Nothing much happened.

Everyone who was at the party was walking around with their hands on their necks trying to get rid of the pain in their necks. It like, branded us!

Anyway, there’s talk of another one next weekend. I don’t think I’ll head-bang quite as much! It’s supposed to be at Cassie’s house and they’re considering playing spin-the-bottle! This weekend will be quite eventful if it happens!

This day where nothing much happened was coincidentally my mom’s birthday.

Continue Reading

I called Wild 107 trying to get tickets to see All-4-One during one of the payoffs.

Originally Written on April 21, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I feel so pathetically stupid. I called Wild 107 trying to get tickets to see All-4-One during one of the payoffs.

Afterwards I jokingly tried to get through when they were doing Love Lines. I got through, but hung up after I freaked out.

I didn’t want to be on Love Lines but I wanted to get tickets for All-4-One! I’m going to keep trying at the payoffs. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see All-4-One live!

Continue Reading

I want to go out w/ someone so I can hug someone. Kiss someone… You know what’s really sad? I’ve kissed a guy and I’ve never hugged anyone.

Originally Written on April 23, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Tonight is probably going to be a very memorable evening. Cassie held a party. The guest list included:

Girls               Guys
me                 Mike P.
Lex                Kris B.
Cassie             Robbie
Ana                Tom
Erika              Jordan
Emily              Billy
Windy             Dave S.
Daniele W.
Loni C.
Natalie
Abby R.

Well, the party had a bottle. For spin-the-bottle which led to Truth or Dare. In Spin-the-Bottle I picked:

Dave 3? times
Kris 1 time
Robbie! 1 time

After that in Truth-or-Dare Continue Reading

Emily said that guys are like ice-cream.

Originally Written on March 24, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Emily came over today and I guess I feel a little better after talking to her. I guess I am having a hard time accepting the fact that a major part of my life is over. It’s amazing what 15 seconds can do. I’m sure it’s a change that probably is long overdue but,… I don’t know.

I just have to wonder how long it will be before I have another. Even though I wanted my first kiss to be because we wanted to, I’m glad it happened. Now I don’t have to sit and wonder what it will be like. Emily said that guys are like ice-cream. Continue Reading

History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie.

Originally Written on April 25, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was not a good day! I’m about to cry. I’ll start at the beginning:

Lunch – Natalie, Lex, Cassie, Ana and I were trying to think of how we could get everyone who went to the party to go out w/ someone. They went on about how cute Robbie and I look together and how perfect we were for eachother. Cassie said something like how it wouldn’t matter if we went out since we’ve kissed so many times! So Cassie went over to Robbie and asked him to go out w/ me. He said he didn’t know who I was although Cassie thinks he didn’t know who she was talking about.

History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie.  Finally I found out that Cassie asked him to go out w/ me.  He said he didn’t know if he would or not – meanwhile everyone was totally bugging me about if I was going out w/ Robbie or not.

French 6° — Lex inform people I’m “sort of” going out w/ Robbie.  I deny it but it’s no use.  I try to kill Cassie.

I am pretty sure that Cassie survives this day.

Language 7-8° — Jeff finds out Robbie and I might be going out.  He keeps trying to convince me not to go out w/ Robbie.  The problem was I was starting to maybe like Robbie again so I wanted to go out w/ him! Cassie tells me that Robbie wants me to ask him out to make sure I want to go out w/ him.  Cassie said Robbie would say yes.  Everyone kept badgering me and badgering me.  Jason T. whispered my name to get my attention and pointed to me than to Robbie and put his fingers together like we’re kissing!  Everyone’s really bugging me + I’m starting to get a little pissed off.  I wanted everyone to get off my case but I also wanted to go out w/ Robbie.

Aelxis and Christy said they’d get off my case if I asked Robbie out.  So finally Alexis goes and asks him out for me!  So now it’s like I liked him and asked him out!  Well the end of the day came and I came home TOTALLY depressed ’cause I knew he was going to say “no”.  I tried to cry when I came home but I couldn’t.  I decide that a phone call to Erika would improve my mood.  She told me Christy wanted me to call her because she had some news for me.  I try to get hints out of Erika, but she won’t budge. Continue Reading