thou shalt not covet another man's (or woman's) party

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Last night I went to the best party I have ever been to.  It was an open house thrown by the local, organic catering company Devoted Catering by Aimee Alan.

I hired Devoted for an event I coordinated for the Berkeley Student Cooperative last year.  The food was excellent.  I remember when I was first talking to them being concerned about running out of food. The event coordinator I was working with, Zoe, said, “We have never run out of food.”  I was heartened.  I have since been to another event that they catered which also had excellent food.  When I got the invite for their open house, I responded with a “Hell yes!” and RSVPed for two right away.  Next year I will RSVP for more!

I knew that last night was going to be special when we were greeted by a red carpet stretching the length of the sidewalk and speckled with rose petals.  ROSE PETALS!  Faint red lights lit up the gorgeous space.  I felt like I was walking into a ball. Continue Reading

Fill Your Heart

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Yesterday was a bummer of a day for a laundry list of reasons that I’d rather not get into.

I was brought up with the beliefs that one has power over their own mind: when you’re in the depths of despair the shining sun is a curse on the world, when you’re happy as a clam, no amount of rain could pull your spirits down. That’s a bit of an oversimplification, but the ethos is basically, when you’re bummed, try to feel better. If you’re stuck in thoughts that make you feel bad, stretch your mind to find a thought that feels better–even very marginally. Once you get even that millimeter closer to a better feeling thought, you’ll have access to even better feeling thoughts.

My philosophy and cognitive science education proved to strengthen my beliefs in the power of thought. In particular, Heidegger’s philosophy of the mind rings true and supports this. He points out that if you’re thirsty, everywhere you look you will see the possibility of quenching your thirst. Or, if you’re tired and on a long hike, a boulder that otherwise would have blended into the background jumps out at you as a place to finally rest.

I noticed last night that I was stuck in a place where everything looked like failure. I’ve been spinning my wheels on a few projects, and it’s lasted far longer than I ever would have expected or hoped. When it came time to do the dishes and then take off for my evening activity, I knew that I needed something to lift my spirits. The song I chose to facilitate this was “Fill Your Heart” by David Bowie.

He sings, “Fill your heart with love today…things that happened in the past only happened in your mind. Forget your mind and you’ll be free…Lovers never lose because they are free of thoughts unpure and unkind…”

The mind is a powerful organ, one capable of ruminating about failures and embarrassments ad infinitum. I like this notion that if you fill your heart with love (try it! It feels great) you almost are out of room for the brains obsessive ponderings. The feeling left instead makes room for forgiveness of ones self and others, and celebration of your own power.

It also helps that the song is pretty cheery.

I found out I have a 3.8 for first quarter. Go me! That’ll really help me achieve my admission to CAL!

Originally Written on November 7, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Hmmm. Let’s see what’s been going on? Well I’ve been at school. I found out I have a 3.8 for first quarter. Go me! That’ll really help me achieve my admission to CAL! Monday night, at Mock Trial, I found out ti got a lawyer. I’m not sure which type yet, but I made it! And I’m pretty good! I was so proud- for once I wanted something, I actually went for it and I got it!!! I was really proud. I’m either Defense trial or Defense pretrial. I’d rather be pretrial, but either’s fine. I even enjoy the homework. And there is a lot of that!

Anyway, that’s my good news. Tuesday night (11/5) I called Katie to wish her a happy birthday. She wasn’t home so called me back last night. It was odd but I love her. She’s coming to visit in January. She’s bringing her Oregon friend Kristin. It will be odd, but oh well. I suppose I’m looking forward to it.

Yesterday, after school, Heather came over. We worked on Mock Trial and goofed off and then went to Mock Trial; fairly boring for me for I only was able to interview one witness. That’s alright. As soon as everyone has their parts we can start practicing. Wa hoo! I love Heather. We’re becoming pretty close. Especially since I’m not really speaking to Bryan.

Bryan is a Scorpio. I’ve since then learned to avoid Scorpios as much as possible.

Oh that. Didn’t you know? He told me that I’ve “changed” and I’m “pathetic.” That was Mon or Tues. I just kinda looked at him, turned around and stopped talking to him. If he talked to me, I’d speak to him, but I most certainly didn’t go out of my way to talk to him. Today it was a little better. We sat at the same table during the PLAN testing (boring–too easy) and talked some during History so then this evening I was in a really fabulous mood and I had no one to talk to so I called him, hoping to try to mend our friendship. Mike was over and I got bored so I hung up when he had another call. He called me back 1/2 hour later to tell me he was soory, but I was talking to Lisa who was pretty depressed so I didn’t talk to him. I was pretty cold to him, but you know I take a lot of crap from him and have never, ever dished it out, to him at least and I don’t have to put up with it. I have always cared so much about him and he has never cared back, so I give up! I’m sick of this and I’m tired of obsessing over him. So I will give up. Whatever happens, happens.

Tim and I have gotten pretty close now. He’s so huggy and clingy. I know he wants me, but I don’t want him. I’ll play around with him and hug him and let him hold me, but I don’t want anything more. I’m a bit afraid though. Oh, well. He calls me a lot. Starting today. Wierd. Lisa and James came over today. Lisa’s really depressed. So’s James, kinda. I’m pretty happy. The only thing bugging me is the Bryan thing. But I try not to let it hurt me. It does, but oh, well I’ll survive. Tonight, I was talking to Erika and we were laughing just like we used to for hours until her parents interfered. You know? A major part of my life doesn’t get in here. Email that is. Normally, I don’t write about that when I spend a while writing people. Well, read corresponding letters, reader! And my writing. I am changing but I like what I’m becoming. It’s kinda depressing. I don’t find a lot of perverted humor funny anymore. It used to be. I don’t find Bryan anything more than a bastard. Sigh. That’s alright. Anyway, I’m exhausted and I probably could go on forever, but I’m going to bed.

This probably qualifies as an identity crisis.

Love always,

Jen
Zee
Zev
nameless

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I spent this past weekend in Reno, NV, celebrating my friend Heather’s birthday. We had a grand time, as one does in Reno. I tweeted Sunday morning “‘The beer I had for breakfast, wasn’t bad so I had one more for dessert.'” It was a true depiction of my situation as it might be yours, this victorious Tuesday morning (Go Giants!).

This tweet came up on my weekly phone call with my aunts and mother last night. Neither of my aunts or my mother caught that I was quoting song lyrics. My belief that it’s clever to tweet/FB lyrics without attribution is perhaps misguided and disrespectful to the artist.

It is a lyric from the Kris Kristoffersen song, Sunday Morning Coming Down. Until I Googled it, I would have assumed it was written by Johnny Cash, who introduced the song–in its glorious wisdom–to me.

It’s the tale of the morning after a night of adventure…the nostalgia, the regret and the basic human urges.

Without further ado…Johnny Cash performing Sunday Morning Coming Down, my favorite Sunday morning hangover song.*

*Will, the bf, and I just had a conversation about whether to admit to hangover on the Internet. I said to him, “Babe, we just bought www.lushesinlove.com! We should embrace the hangover with two fists!” To which he replied, “It’s true that the Sunday morning hangover is generally acceptable.” Conversation over.

I used to be the one to have to say hi in English or to talk to him in Algebra. Now he’s talking to me.

Originally Written on November 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The past few days have been wonderful. On Sat. I went to Great American with my troop and had a blast. Yesterday was Halloween and that was very cool too. But those weren’t the reasons why I’m in 7th heaven. The reason is that everyday, I get closer to him. I used to be the one to have to say hi in English or to talk to him in Algebra. Now he’s talking to me. Here are some examples:

Yesterday: Eng. – I was wearing my costume & he asked me what I was. History – He was heading back down our row after having to go up for some reason. He said Ola to me! I was in heaven. Algebra – He started studying me with Steve. Mike H. asked me why I was talking and I said because I was too good at it not too. Greg asked me why I was whispering. I think I said that I talk too much and he said that he did, too.

This one’s embarassing.

Today: Eng. He comes over at the beginning of class and starts talking to me & Ana about candy & how much he got. History – nothing. Algebra – We got the same grade on the test an 84% – bad. He asked me for an answer for a problem on our homework. That means he knows I’m smart & he respects my answer. We got the same one. He also mouthed to me that Steve was annoying!

Thirteen-year-old-me dreaming of marriage!

I’m beginning to think that I may actually have a chance with him. I don’t like Justin that much anymore ’cause I don’t have a chance with him. But, these past few days have been great because every day we get closer. I know he still likes Alyssia, though. So I’m just going to wait for her to get through with Brent (her current boyfriend), so Greg can ask her out. Then she’ll get through with him, providing she says yes, which she will, and ask me out! It’s perfect. NOT!

In Love,

Jennifer G.H.H. W.

Scaryoake 2010

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I looove karaoke ever since I learned I couldn’t sing at the age of 12 or so.  Karaoke was the one place where I could be proud to show off my singing skills.  My musically inclined boyfriend is baffled by my eager embarrassment, but I’ve long since embraced it as part of my nature.

I’ve participated in a number of karaoke contests, which I’ve written about.   They take place at the Shattuck Downlow in Berkeley and have over the years become overrun with people who can actually sing.  Bummer.

I always come in pretty close to last. I’ve always blamed the judges, which might not be fair, but I thought they just didn’t really understand my humor.  (It couldn’t be that they just didn’t appreciate my out of tune vocals!)

This year I decided I would really really give it my best shot, as I’ve written about here.  I took voice lessons.  I learned to breathe, and that I wasn’t tone deaf!  Awesomeness.

I picked my song months ago and practiced, practiced, practiced. I ordered the CD of the karaoke track online and perfected the timing and a cute little zombie dance to go with.  Even my musical boyfriend said I was doing okay.  My voice teacher said I was awesome.  The stars were aligning for my success.

I was so pumped when I got an email from Steve, the Karoake Jockey, informing us that ALL THREE JUDGES WERE GOING TO BE NEW.  What could stop me now??

The day arrived.  I got all dressed up and ready to go.  I went.  I met a new friend, who needed a costume.  I happened to have all the make up needed for zombification in my bag.  I offered, he accepted.

It was dark in the bar.  I followed the same exact recipe that I had used on my face.  It came out a few minutes later that I had given him black face.  Black face!  Not at all what I meant to do!!  I apologized profusely, but he was visibly irritated.

Moments later I was informed that he was a judge!  Minutes before the contest started and I managed to offend a third of its governing body!!  My heart sank.

I said so to my friends and noticed that the bar was loud that I had to shout for them to hear me.  My voice was hoarse!!

Now I had offended 1/3 of the judges, and my voice was hoarse!!  And I was nervous!!  This night was not going well.  I sipped on my gin and tonic.

I had hours to wait.  I had picked a competitive slot–11:30.  In the past, successful contestants have performed pretty late–when the crowd is drunk and ready for dancing.  I was competitive this year, but I wish I hadn’t picked such a late time slot.  I was nervous, I couldn’t talk to my friends for fear of further taxing my poor vocal chords and I wanted another gin and tonic.

What felt like months later, it was time.  I bounded up to the stage, ready, willing.  I was going to take this thing down in flames!!

I missed my first cue.  That’s okay, keep going.  I was singing, I was singing, and then it hit me.  All my training had gone out the door.  I wasn’t breathing.  I wasn’t even singing!!  I was shouting into the microphone like I normally do.

So, well, I didn’t do very well.  But I do know how to sing now, perhaps just not on stage at the Shattuck Downlow.  And I’ve learned some good lessons for next year’s Scaryoake performance.

Without further ado, my performance:

I feel desirable knowing that at least seven guys on the face of this earth find me somewhat attractive. Complete.

Originally Written on October 28, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Hello! Well let’s see. Not much feeling wise has happened lately. Umm.. well. Events

Thursday I went to school. I took some tests. Yeah. Something must have happened. Oh, well. It’ll come to me.

After school, Erika came over. We sat around here for a little while and then went to the mall. For awhile we shopped for bras. I’m a whole cup! Continue Reading

Pancho & Lefty

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I just found my ipod after misplacing it a few weeks ago. It’s too small to really look for anywhere but where you expect it to be, so I had decided it was long gone when I found it hidden under the record player.

I’ve been obsessed lately with the song “Pancho and Lefty” (the version I have is performed by Willie Nelson). For some reason I only listen to it in the car (don’t ask me why…). Getting my ipod back meant I could listen to it again, and I did today. It’s the sad tale of a Mexican bandit named Pancho and his friend Lefty. Pancho meets an unfortunate death–and it’s implied that it was Lefty who betrayed him.

Later in the song, we are asked to pray for Pancho, but to “save a prayer for Lefty, too.” Though by all objective standards, he got the better deal, he’s left to live with the death of his friend on his conscious.

It’s easy to vilify as Morrisey sings, “It’s so easy to laugh, it’s so easy to hate.”

But as he continues, “It takes strength to be gentle and kind.” Sometimes it takes me a minute to see the other side, but even villains have pain and suffering as a consequence. We’re all human, after all.

I’ve come up with two conclusions from going: 1. Doug likes Natalie & 2. Jeff likes Katie. It was really obvious.

Originally Written on October 19, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

There was no school today. Last night I went to Scaregrounds with Natalie, Katie, Kris B. and Doug. Unfortunately we met Jeff there and he hung out with us for the rest of the night. But despite Jeff’s company, I had a great time. It was really cool. We went in a perfect sized group and had a blast. There was enough people so you never really felt left out and but not too many so you had to move in a giant group and nobody had a say in what happened. I’ve come up with two conclusions from going: 1. Doug likes Natalie & 2. Jeff likes Katie. It was really obvious.

After scaregrounds, Val & I spent the night at Katie’s. It was great. All morning we made pretzels for their German class, and then Fred came over to help. This SIP day was the best!

Yours
Jennifer Heller