Aristotle was a strong believer in the notion of every organism having a function unique to that organism. A flute-player has the function of playing the flute; plants produce oxygen… It goes on and on. Everything has a function, the function of a human being (generally) is to be eudaimon, or, to Aristotle, something along the lines of perfect. Let’s leave that particular notion behind. My query is into what the function of a psychic is, and how then, I am to relate to them in my life.

I met a few psychics during my sojourn as a traveling salesperson. There’s always a psychic booth at the fair–except in Puyallup, WA, because they’re far too conservative. As the Puyallup Fair was my last fair, and I had yet to get a reading, I felt a dire need to get one during the fair just before: the California State Fair. But the psychic booth was unconvincing, and I was therefore unconvinced.

I was mulling it over during my boring job selling Nail Jazz–they’re nail polishes with microtips so you can do all your own designs at home–when a fairly ugly, hairy lady came up to me attempting to get free stuff. It turned out she was a psychic, and she really wanted to trade me a free reading for a Natural Nail Care Set (retail value $11, but we give them away for free all the time). My bosses were distracted so I let her pocket the demo set, and took in exchange her phone number and address. She said I could come get my reading at any time, even though I warned her that I work til ten, and it’d have to be late. I didn’t know when I was to go there, but I figured I’d fit in. I was meant to have this psychic reading!

Little did I know, but meanwhile my cohort was making arrangements for us to trade mops for readings from the psychics that had a booth at the fair. Much more convenient! This, then, must be the reading I was meant to have!

Among what the psychic told me:
1. My ex is not my soulmate. But if I am still unconvinced, she’ll provide me a compatability assessment for $85–no! not for me, for me–only $75!
2. I’ll have three children.
3. There was a woman in my life with brown hair and blonde streaks that would throw me off my path for two to three months.

Now, I’ve always planned on having two kids. But three wouldn’t be so bad. Or so I’ve come to consider since this reading. But if the psychic had never mentioned it?! Then how many kids would I have wound up with? One can easily draw the conclusion that some sort of accident would have left me with three anyway.

But, here’s the is the kicker: A few days previous, I had met a woman with brown hair and blonde streaks that offered me work selling the EuroSteam: Wonder Iron from Italy!

I had spent the days consequent grinning and smiling with dollar signs in my eyes, looking so forward to selling this $200 iron with a simple demo requiring no Diet Pepsi or paper towels. They sell like hotcakes! It really is a good iron–retails for $400. And you can iron your clothes while they’re on their hanger. Seriously. And you’ll never burn yourself or your finest fabrics–the steam won’t even pop a balloon!

We all need a EuroSteam. I need a EuroSteam.

So what was this bullshit from the psychic?!! A path?! Who needs a path!! I was so shaken up following the reading I drank two beers in the dark of my sleeping motel room.

To no avail. The psychic had me so upset for days that I never called the woman with the blonde streaks, nor her boss, who calls himself “Swerve” (a coincidence, however relevant to our metaphor).

And now I have a job. And no EuroSteam. And you too, will have to live life without one.

So where is this woman who was to throw me off course? Did I avoid the diversion?

If so, then the function of the psychic cannot be to tell the truth about one’s future. Or that truth must be so transient that one can only accept a psychic’s word for a matter of minutes.

Which means my ex could by soulmate.

I often wonder where I’d be if I had instead taken a reading from the first psychic who offered her services.

“Step on up folks. I’ll show you how this works.”