Good bye, giraffe pajama. Good bye.

When my first child was a baby, I didn’t treasure each moment. It was hard, I was tired, and I knew I was going to (Goddess-willing) do it again. 

I remember gazing at him breastfeeding when he must have been seven- or eight-months old and thinking, “I can’t wait to stop breastfeeding you. I’ll treasure it next time.”

(Is that a weird thought? Maybe, but it was a real moment. Breast-feeding was hard with him and I was over it.)

Having been blessed with a second child and going through milestones now — like outgrowing the giraffe pajama for the second time — my brain is oscillating between feeling a sad sort of nostalgia that this period is over and actively trying to convince myself to have another child.

I don’t want another child. I don’t like being pregnant. I am not a huge fan of birth. And babies (and kids) are a lot of work. I always told myself that I would have three children (just in case one’s a dud, you know), but we. don’t. want. one.

End of story.

Except my brain does.

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The People Inside My Head

Since Quinn was born, I can go from zero (not stressed) to sixty (“HOLY SHIT HE’S GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED”) pretty much instantly.

Instead of letting my crazy thoughts take control, I have decided to name the different personalities in my head.

That way when I think, “OMG Will’s changing Quinn. Is he going to fall off the changing table?! Did he buckle him in? I hope he buckled him in…”, I know that that’s just Worried Wilma taking control of my brain. Oh hello there, Worried Wilma. Thanks for your input. Let’s move on.

Here are the characters in my head: Continue Reading

On Childbirth & the Reinvention of Self

When I turn my reflexion on myself, I never can perceive this self without some one or more perceptions; nor can I ever perceive any thing but the perceptions. ‘Tis the composition of these, therefore, which forms the self.

– David Hume: Second Thoughts

For the majority of last year, I was creating a tiny human.

An amazing CGI rendition of what happened inside of me…
These twelve minutes stretched over 40 weeks…

While I was in it, I don’t think I realized how much it was taking from me. I had physical symptoms that reminded me that the bulk of the good nutrition I took in was going straight to the baby, but I didn’t really notice that I didn’t have my usual oomph in regards to creative pursuits.

I just pressed on… creating that tiny human… and working at light speed to try to transition to my new business model… Continue Reading