Author: Jennifer Heller

I haven’t had my first kiss and Alyssia goes and kisses a friend?!!! I don’t know who to trust.

Originally Written on September 29, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller
I still like Andy.  Maybe.  Ana says Alyssia kissed him on the lips.  I haven’t had my first kiss and Alyssia goes and kisses a friend?!!! I don’t know who to trust.  Emily says Erica told her about my liking Andy.  She says Erica really wanted to tell her.  Is Emily lying?  I have no reason to believe either way.  Emily has been being a real great friend to me.  I don’t know . Who should I trust?  I trusted Erica and look where it got me!  I think I’ll confront her tomorrow.  See ya!  Au revoir!

I’ve liked him for about a week, but last night I made it official. I named a teddy bear after him.

Originally Written on September 29, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I really hate 4th period lunch!  It sucks!  I also hate Tanya.  She acts like a les, always grabbing my hand.  She is also very annoying!  She talks and talks, all the while grabbing my arm, and not letting go.  When I squirm to get out of her grip, she giggles and grabs on again!  Fuck her!  By the time block comes around I feel like killing whoever is around!

When I found this homophobic statement in my diary I was shocked. Then I remembered the reality of college when I first met my wonderful friends who identify as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender. I grew up sheltered in suburbia, and I believe these statements are testament to how easily young people can be led astray just by a lack of exposure to alternative lifestyles.

Last Friday we had the welcome back under the sea dance (dumb name).  I spent the whole time finding Jeff for Emily to dance with.  It was fun, but I felt like crying!  The whole time not single guy asked me to dance!  Why don’t guys like me?  I’m not ugly, I know that.  Ashley B. is totally popular with guys and she’s flat.  Like me.  Is it my freckles?  I wonder.  Yesterday Alexis said James K. like me.  I’ve liked him for about a week, but last night I made it official.  I named a teddy bear after him.

Seriously??? omg.

Alexis and Ana say he’s a jerk.  He’s nice to me.  At Emily’s birthday party on Sunday Erica said Steve W. was a jerk.  I said that he wasn’t and so on.  The thing that bugged me is that he’s not a jerk!  He’s really nice.  Erica just saw the bad side of him.  Steve is really, really nice and I may even like him.  Maybe.  Not right now.

Now I like James and Andrew C.  Andrew liked me last year (says Alyssia) speaking of Alyssia, she’s been coming on to Jeff, which bugs Emily like crazy!  Another thing that pissed me off at Erica also happened at the party.  She said I wasn’t sorry.  I said that maybe she didn’t know me too well.  That pissed her off and I was po’ed ‘cause she’s making judgments.  Alexis and me have a fight daily – It bugs.  Not one day this year have we not had a fight.

See you later.

I’ve been coveting an ipad.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Really, really coveting.

You see, even my cat loves electronics. The proof is in the photo.

iPads are good for cats*. They can play that one game with the fish in the pond and never actually catch a fish. Eleven is too old to have that hurt his self esteem, right? It would only give him hours and hours of amusement.

And me too. Also, it’s a justifiable expense. How can I possibly be operating a web business without an iPad to test websites on? For instance, this one looks awesome on an iPad. Or so I think…

Ah the many justifications of life.  Who will win?  The battle of indulgence verses sensibility wages on…

*What do you think of the capitalization here? Does Apple have a protocol for when you start sentences with “iPod”, “iPad” or “iPhone”?? Twenty-first century problems, man. I tell you.

Rest in Peace DealDetectives.com

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

It’s a sad day around here today. I’ve just discovered that dealdetectives.com is no more. At least, it is no more the awesome source for deals it once was and is now just listing coupon codes, a job that so many websites are out there doing already.

Sigh.

But since you’re no more, please, dealdetectives.com, please take off the last awesome deals you listed from the bottom of your site. That Lenovo laptop deal got me so excited, and then broke my heart. No one else needs that kind of pain.

Fuck Jessica and Christy!

Originally Written on September 22, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Fuck Jessica and Christy! You would not believe what they did! Emily and I met after school, right? We head towards the band room. We pick up our flutes and go to the spot on the lawn where Jessica, Christy and I wait for the person who is picking up to pick up. Anyway Jessica and Christy should have been right behind us. Emily waited w/me for awhile.

Jennifer Heller Megalomaniac

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I have been searching, searching, searching for the right name for this blog.

Historical Sidenote: From 2005 to 2008(?), this blog was hosted on blogger and called “Ought Never Be Daunted,” a reference to a scene in The Sun Also Rises where Jake is not as drunk as Brett is, but Brett urges Jake in those words that it’s not too late to catch up. How awesome is that?

Since I moved those posts over here and gave up all claim to anonymity, I have been calling this site “Jennifer Heller dot com,” knowing full well how lame it was, but at a loss for anything better.

These past few weeks I’ve been giving this site something of a face-life in my spare time, and I kept hoping to come up with a name for the site that would express its mission: Fun, Friends and Hilarity.

We toyed with “Jennifer Heller Fun Friends Hilarity.” But the glaring lack of punctuation was a non-starter.

And then yesterday, Sue pointed out that I am pretty much a megalomaniac. A megalomaniac!! I loved it! I couldn’t spell it but I loved it.

I looked it up, just in case I didn’t really understand what it meant. Which it turned out I didn’t. Merriam-Webster definies megalomania as:

1: a mania for great or grandiose performance
2: a delusional mental disorder that is marked by feelings of personal omnipotence and grandeur

Number two made me LOL. As did my new header graphic, which I’ll record again here in case it changes in the future:

Are there enough Jens in this graphic? Is it creepy??

So what do you think?  Is “Jennifer Heller Megalomaniac” not the perfect title for someone who spends her spare time betraying the secrets of her youth and planning extravagant birthday parties?  Isn’t any blogger something of a megalomaniac at heart?  Does it make you LOL??  And isn’t it really freaking hard to spell???

I’m 30 going on 12

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

This may or may not be a true story.

Today Julia and I were wandering down Fourth Street, a veeerry swanky part of Berkeley, California. We look cute — all dolled up — never mind the holes in Julia’s shirt and the bike shorts I insist on wearing under my skirt. Yeah, we’re cute, and we’re wandering around the CB2 store making fun of the techno music that makes you want to shop and admiring their $25 file folders and shit.

It was all pretty tame and innocent when Julia discovered these little magnetic sphere things. They were pretty fun, I had to admit. She even managed to make them into a bracelet!! Way to go Julia!! If only I had my camera out for this magic moment…

The bracelet — held together only by the attraction of one sphere to another — fell apart!! Little magnetic balls were everywhere. We laughed uproariously and I bemoaned the lack of video footage as I helped Julia track down the balls.

We got most of them, but one was behind this desk, and I thought I could bend down and fish it out. Technically, I could have, but the fact of the matter was that at that moment I had a big ass purse in tow. And that big ass purse in tow bumped a shelf and knocked the display of picture frames off in a dramatic tumble of metal and glass.

We couldn’t hide from the crash. No, that moment found us shame-faced and staring at a pile of broken glass and unsalable merchandise. And the next found us running out of the store like 12-year-olds who neglected to listen to their moms’ advice, “Look but don’t touch girls!!” Continue Reading

Emily is sewing a doll to look like Ana. A small one. We can put pins in it like a voodoo doll.

Originally Written on September 15, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I have a zit!  Right under my nose!  It is huge.

I hate Ana!  I am so mad I could kill her! She pretended to be Steve on the phone!  She and Melissa.  Emily is the only one I told.  We are planning revenge.  Emily is sewing a doll to look like Ana.  A small one.  We can put pins in it like a voodoo doll.  Although it won’t work, we are going to leave it in Ana’s locker.  Ana likes Scott.  Scott can be nice, but he’s ugly!  Perfect blackmail!  Yesterday I thought I’d have to dance w/Keorber!  I mean what a geek!  Instead we got re-paired and I got Gary.  He is such a bad dancer!  Of course I am too, so we look okay together.  Alexis broke up w/Gary.  I don’t know why she went out w/him in the first place.

Today I banged my head on a stone pillar!  It still hurts and I have a cut and a bump!  When it happened I almost cried.  Almost man, it hurt.  God what’d I do to deserve this AND the zit?!!!

I don’t know but if I had to guess, it would be because you are planning to make a VOODOO DOLL in the likeness of one of your FRIENDS.

Something to Complain About: Window Envelopes

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m a huge reduce, reuse and recycle fan.  I might even be militant. Sometimes when I see a toilet paper roll in the bathroom trash my head turns red and I almost pop.  Then I remember that I live with other people with different priorities and that I’m lucky to have a house at all.  So many people don’t.

I save all envelopes for reuse. Some companies are really nice and leave the front mostly blank except for their address; that’s easy–just stick a label on top of their address and boom!  One small fraction of a tree is saved.

It is not so easy with window envelopes.  First of all, why are there so many damn types of window envelopes?  It’s like businesses think they’ll stand out by having their address in a unique place. Looking through my stack of window envelopes just now I had like fourteen different kinds, none of which easily fit my IRS tax payment form (which was obviously made for a window envelope).

A full five minutes later I’d managed to fold my tax payment form a bunch of different ways and position the IRS’ address in the window meant for some bank statement.  But what an ordeal!  Those are five minutes I’ll never get back, world.  All to save you.

You’re welcome.