Looking back I see that even in fifth grad I was so young and inexperienced. Not that I’m experienced now, but…..I’m so different now.

You know, I spent all day cleaning out my closet and now I feel so different. Like I’m clearer or something.

I’m also in a really great mood because I finished my “guy”. See I got a ball of fluff at the fair yesterday. Last night I made him arms and legs and today I glued them on. He’s really cute. I named him “Ball Guy”, but I’m not sure if the name fits.

Let’s review here. You got a ball of fluff, added arms and legs and now are not sure if the name “Ball Guy” fits??? It fits. Take it from me. I have fond memories of “Ball Guy.”

Well today I was supposed to go to Becky’s because she’s moving on the 1st. Anyway I was about to go over there but we got in a stupid fight. It’s so stupid I can’t even tell you. You’d start to laugh. Continue Reading

Someone stole my mechanical pencil!!!! Mom bought me a new one.

Hi! So much has happened today. I switched groups. Not really but I like to think of it being that way. Anyway the fight with Becky got me upset and I don’t want to be so oblivious at lunch. Sooooooo, I am now eating lunch with Becky R., Amy, Kristen, Kristen, Rachel, Sabrina, Tamara, Nicole, Jessica, and Danielle. At least I can be oblivious with people I like.

Anyway I had a really good day. So unlike yesterday.

I went to Pier 1 Imports and got the directors chair. I got really upset when it didn’t fit underneath my desk. Anyway, I’m going to return it and get a beanbag or beanbag chair as Mom calls it.

Someone stole my mechanical pencil!!!! Mom bought me a new one. Continue Reading

Alexis was being a bitch today! During Science she came up and said “I thought you were sitting with us?!” I shrugged and said, “Sorry.”

Alexis was being a bitch today! During Science she came up and said “I thought you were sitting with us?!” I shrugged and said, “Sorry.” Alexis turned on her heal and stormed off. Alexis doesn’t own me! I can sit where I want to, despite what she says. Also on Tuesday, I was being nice to Ana and talking with her all the way to band. Alexis walks up, pulls me aside and says, “How come you’re being nice to her?!!!” I felt like saying, ‘Excuse me? A week ago you got mad at me for being mean to her. You said, Oh she’s not that bad! Remember?!!! Anyway who cares. She’s not important.

How come I’m so nervous all the time? Around guys I mean. I’m always grinning and acting stupid. Whenever Steve talks to me, I get nervous. Maybe it’s because he’s always asking if I like Andy. I don’t know why. Continue Reading

I assumed Amanda had told Steve who Andy liked. I pretended I didn’t notice and went back to drawing.

Art: as usual the topic was Ana. Hold on let me backtrack for a second. In Art I never talk to anyone and feel very “out.” Anyway, Amanda is our (my) table group and she wanted to know why Andy (also in my table group) wouldn’t go out with Ana, who has liked him for awhile. Andy says he doesn’t really know her, which is a complete lie since they’re in the same Math class. Anyway, Amanda wanted to know who in the table group had told Ana what Amanda had said about a week ago. Now, of course, I had, but I didn’t to get in trouble for it. When she asked me, I shook my head, no. Anyway later Steve W. comes along and starts asking Andy who he likes. So, I’m just sitting here drawing my picture.

“Is she in this class,” Steve asks.

Andy nods.

“Is it Annie?” Steve.

“No,” Andy answers. Anyway, Amanda had said that she knew.

“Is it Amanda?”


“Is it Jennifer Heller?”

Andy shook his head, slowly.

“Jennifer?” I looked up. “Do you like Andy?”

I shook my head and went back to drawing. A few seconds later, Steve said, “Jennifer Heller?!!!”

I looked up. Amanda was nodding. I assumed Amanda had told Steve who Andy liked. I pretended I didn’t notice and went back to drawing. Continue Reading

All of my feelings look stupid on paper.

I haven’t done my homework in ages. I’m afraid I’m turning into Becky, never doing my homework on time.

Today I stayed home from school. I needed the rest.

Last night I was totally stressed about a history test today. It was open book! Oh, well.

All of my feelings look stupid on paper.

I don’t know who I like. There are a couple people I might like. O.K. for one? I’m not sure if I like Z.S. Ana says he says I’m a bitch. He told me Ana was a bitch. Oh, well. I just think he’s an ass. But I like him. Sort of. I don’t know.

Erica says O.K. likes me. I don’t know. He used to flirt with me. Not anymore though. Oh, well.

Do I like O.K.? I don’t think so.

Do you notice how all of a sudden I’m using initials to refer to my crushes?

The next page is folded in half with the label “Nobody ever open!” Lucky for us, I don’t respect 11-year-old me’s wishes much.

They are initials backwards!!! Such a complicated key just to disguise the crushes I’m not sure I had.

On to a more cheerful subject. If I can find one. Continue Reading

the breakups of 2007

1. The landscape architect. We went out a couple times in September. I thought it was going great, but he opted just never to call back. Until 2008. I almost want to write back “Sorry buddy. that shit sailed.”

2. The HGPD. I wasn’t into it. After much deliberation and a half done blog entry entitled “to break up or not to break up: Over email?”, I decided to go ahead and take the virtual plunge. “Sorry,” I said, “but I’m going to try to work things out with my ex.” Of course I used the sandwich method in which you sandwich the bad news between two nice things. It was met with an eventual friendly text message, so I feel like it wasn’t such a bad way to go after all. Until later when he emailed and said that he was disappointed in me for breaking up over text message. That part was pretty painful.

3. The Ex(es). Good terms, I’m sure. I think I’ve learned not to go there anymore. Too much history, no point in delving all that shit up all the damn time. For serious, yo.

to dump or not to dump

over email.

The weekend before Christmas. The weekend before his birthday week.

We’d gone on 5 dates. We’d had a good time on most of them.

In the interest of full disclosure, we did have three implicitly scheduled impending dates.

(I’d made the mistake of inviting him to Christmas. It was going well, and Christmas is casual, I thought.)

I wasn’t really feeling the connection, and I was–and am–considering rekindling a previous affair…

Anyway, what do you think?

The hottest boy* I ever went out with

Was this Australian man who never lived in the co-ops but came in and applied while I was working at the front counter. He was the kind of hot where the whole office (all women) stops everything they’re doing to come meet him. That confidence, that flair… He wasn’t uncomfortable, just skilled, as he worked the crowd. When the flurry of women had passed, I was left to help him. He commented on my necklace—the shell of a sea snail I had drilled a hole through. On this particular day I had paired my snail necklace with my black and white feather earrings. I think it worked somehow with my bright pink blazer, though I can’t imagine how.

Regardless, it made an impression on this Australian, the hottest boy to come through that office door since Alexander you-know-his-last-name-and-let’s-not-come-up-in-his-(I’m-sure-many)-stalkers’-google-searches. But he lacked Alexander’s rather…shall we say…blatant egotism, and handled his good looks with pure grace. I could have swooned. I was a good flirter, though, when I had that job, and I utilized those skills that day.

Months later when he came back to retrieve his deposit, he asked if the girl with the crazy jewelry still worked there. I wasn’t in, but Betsy said that I did and gave him my email address.

What followed were a couple dates—dinner at that Chinese place down on University behind the McDonald’s, dinner and a party in the city.

He was fun, we had fun. He was so gorgeous I could take out my most preposterous fur coat and wear it in the city without shame.

For our third date he suggested the Sheryl Crow concert. He had tickets.

We never had a third date. I didn’t really return his calls after a few days.

Yes, I’m an asshole, but we knew that. I was busy and you know had this mountain of reasons (Sheryl?!) and… I remember the last time I talked to him on the phone, g. and I were at the pub having beers and I was supposed to go out with him later and if you’re me and you’re having beers at the pub with g., you just don’t leave and you come back and get your car the next day. I said something like, “oooh my fish tank fell over and I have to mop up six gallons of water! Let’s hang out someday soon.” And never called again.

Yes, I’m an asshole, but we knew that remember? Months later I regretted giving him up so easily and, after seeking Betsy’s guidance, wrote him an email:

Heard a romour that you were seen on Northside of Berkeley today… Is it true? If so, any chance you’d want to get together sometime? The timing’s better for me now.

Hope you’re well,

No response. I rather assumed he had correctly ascertained my nature to be capricious. I rather assumed that he didn’t want to see me again. That maybe there were even some hard feelings there.

Fast forward a couple years, and today I’m walking into the Happiest Place on Earth for my tortilla eggs, and there he is. I knew him immediately. I tried sooo hard to avoid sitting next to him, but the Universe planned it so that the only empty table was the one right next to him, and…

I was getting water when he came up. I hope I looked surprised!! Like I hadn’t already been staring at the back of his head for the fifteen minutes we’d been in line. I hope I didn’t look as hungover and unshowered as I felt, but I think I did. I really hope my face didn’t turn as red as I know it did. It was an agonizing couple of minutes. I just felt soooo bad for never calling.

I rather wish, now that it’s over, that I could have had my druthers and talked to him longer, found out what was really going on. He is the hottest boy* I ever went out with after all.

And he said it was nice to see me.

Which just goes to show me, that even though I’ve spent the last couple years feeling sorry to have been such an asshole, he moved on.


*I like to call them boys because it makes me feel young at heart. This particular gentleman was much more a gentleman than a boy, let’s be clear on that.

P.S. What do you think?