Loca

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I want to hear from you!!  To that end, I’ve peppered this site with little text boxes where you can share your thoughts and questions without my having ANY IDEA who you are.

Here’s one, in case you want to use it.

Anyway, the other day, I got a submission.  One of you said, simply…

Loca

Well, whoever you are, I am not sure I know what you meant.  Am I crazy?  Are you crazy?  Are we all crazy?

And how crazy is it that there’s an upscale wine bar in France that serves their wine cocktails with candy as the garnish???  Is that not the craziest at all?

You said it.  Loca.  Continue Reading

The Gus Report

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Every year the Guster gets his annual exam from our holistic veterinarians, Creature Comfort. He does not like going to the vet.  He meows and meows and meows and nine car rides out of ten pees in the cat carrier.  Such fun!

Last year, we discovered that he had arthritis in his hind legs and that he was a whopping 17 pounds! His rings of fat only make his arthritis worse. Poor buddy.

Since that development, we’ve been working diligently on getting him to lose weight — even going so far as to subbing out some of his food for mashed pumpkin!  He was really unhappy with that in the beginning, but he’s acclimated alright.  He meows to high heaven all day long because he’s starving, but if he were starving, wouldn’t he have lost more than a pound in the past year?  Sure you’re starving, cat, sure you are.

The vet was sure to point out that losing a pound is quite an accomplishment for an older kitty like Gus.  It’s over 5% of his bodily mass after all! Five points for our furry hero.

I shared with the vet that overall he’s pretty happy (besides the starvation complaints) but that he’s having trouble jumping up on the bed.  To combat that, Dr. Jenny recommends that we sprinkle Nutramax Cosequin for Cats on his dinners to help with his joint health.  He’s turning 12 this year and Cosequin for Cats is apparently a good addition for any aging feline.  Good joint health means a happier kitty.  Done.

Sidenote: Do you have a recommendation for some sexy pet stairs??  I’m in the market.  All the pet stairs I’ve found are terrifyingly ugly.  Gus has an eye for style, you know.  He’s not going to use just any pet stairs to get up to the bed.  I’m thinking something that makes him feel like the king he is…fuzzy red carpet…luxurious padding…

We won’t know for a few days how his blood work turned out, but Gus was sure a sport about the whole thing.  He only peed in the cat carrier once!  How’s that for a happy ending?  Five more points for the Gusman!

Continue Reading

Countdown to Mad Men

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been obsessed with Mad Men since my mom and her sisters got in a big fight about why her sisters wouldn’t watch it in October of 2010. See, my mom was a working lady in that era much like Peggy, and she took offense at the fact that her sisters didn’t like the show. They got it sorted out eventually and then all of us sat down to watch an episode.

I came home and spent the next two weeks doing nothing but watching every Mad Men episode there was. Since then, Mad Men has caused us to get cable (grrr…Comcast) and many a discussion about Don, Peggy, Pete, Roger…

In fact, when our downstairs neighbors moved and we got a Pete in their place we made jokes about keeping him away from our non-existent nanny. Oh yeah, we’re hilarious.

Like so many of my fellow Mad Men fans, I’ve been riding the stages of grief over the fact that AMC has taken the better part of two years getting the new season going. What’s up with that??

Well, AMC FINALLY announced the date of the premiere of Season 5.  To commemorate this occasion (and anxiously wait for it), I — with the help of my most favorite graphic designer Lindsay and the web development skillz of my web shop, Artsy Geek — created Countdown to Mad Men, the second-to-second update about how long we have to wait for our next fix.

So, join me at CountdowntoMadMen.com and let’s wait with baited breath for the return of our favorite drunks, chauvinists and philanderers.  And if you like it, help me spread the word.  We all need something to look forward to. Continue Reading

I just sat there. Silently watching as she robbed us of another thing. OUr family’s love, which is a lot of times all we have to go on.

Originally Written on January 14, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Mom’s friend Celestra was staying with us for a few days. This morn she slept in my bed after I got up. Mom got her to leave after Dad threatened to call the police if she wasn’t gone. With her she took: the strength our family has a whole, my Santa bear Em gave me; the fake blue flower I bought; a washcloth; and an ashtray. Not to mention the peace.

Mom had to yell at her in order for her to leave. I wasn’t home then, but when I was home she asked if she could “borrow” my Santa bear and the flower. Now I’ll never see them again.

This is one MESSED UP lady. When she arrived on our door step Thursday during the day, Mom said that she just shoved herself in. She took advantage of our hospitality and ours too. When mom asked her to leave this afternoon, Mom said she just ignored her and wouldn’t leave. Dad says she’s crazy. Just a little bit.

After Mom yelled at her to get out she got mad and decided to get Mom back. So she took our stuff that I mentioned before and burnt one of our pans. A good pan.

The point is not that she took our stuff or burnt our pan but that she stayed in my room. She went through my drawers. She took my Santa bear and flower. That sick lady robbed me of my well-being. I don’t feel as though my stuff is mine anymore. She played my tapes. She watched my TV. She probably used my deoderent for all I know. When she used those things she took posession of them. Now the only thing I know in my heart is mine is the locket around my neck. And of corse my family. But Celestra caused a major fight between my parents and I just sat there connected to the fight but not connected to the fight. I just sat there. Silently watching as she robbed us of another thing. OUr family’s love, which is a lot of times all we have to go on. One things for sure tonight’s been as close to hell as I ever want to be. I just pray Celestra never comes back. Continue Reading

Because Erika knew I had lice she wouldn’t hug me, although I really needed that hug.

Originally Written on January 13, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Man, what a welcome back.  I have been out since Mon with lice (everyone thinks I have strep throat except Em & Erika).  Anyway today was okay but I didn’t start the school day til 3°. While I was out, I cute my hair to make getting lice eggs out.  It’s now child length.  Anyway as it is in our tradition, Emily was absent today. I really wanted to see her, though.  Because Erika knew I had lice she wouldn’t hug me, although I really needed that hug.  I can count on her hug 3° to help me through the day.  Not anymore.

While I was gone we changed seats in block.  Now I’m sitting by Billy and Dave P. I don’t mind Billy, but Dave… I mean, this guy is…well really, really (tres, tres, TRES!) annoying.  He makes Shoemaker look like good company!  Hell he makes Erica seem like good company!  Anyway, he wrote this note to Alexis saying something like:

‘Do you want to give a bone to Jeff as much as Jeff wants to give a bone to you?’

‘knock, knock,
who’s there’
something, something…’

and signed it Jeff.  Anyway, when Alexis read that she started crying.  I mean, I can see how it might upset her, but crying is a little much.  Anyone would get upset, and I’m not meaning to offend Alexis in any way because she’s sensitive (I think) and I would get upset if I had gotten it.  I just wouldn’t have cried.

12 year old me felt it was necessary to accompany this story with this awesome depiction of Alexis’ unnecessary tears. Way to drive the point home 12-year-old-me!

 

Anyway, tonight I got this depressing phone call from Alexis.  She was complaining about how, technically, in the popular pyramid, we’re just one step up from geeks like Shoemaker.  It was really depressing, ’cause I’d consider us somewhere in the middle.  I wouldn’t want to be on top – because in order to be on top you have to be majorly bitchy.

More Later. Continue Reading

Stuff We Love: Guest Posts & SignNow.com

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today is a red letter day here at JenniferHeller.com.  We have our first GUEST POST!!!

Our guest post today is courtesy of Heather G. who supplied the following avatar:

Is that a cat playing guitar?  A gopher?  A chipmunk?  Whatever it is, it’s shiny and cute and lovable, just like I know Heather G. is in person (since we’re, you know, friends in real life).

And without further ado, here’s our guest post:

Stuff Heather G. Loves: SignNow.com

Since I have a job that gives me mediocre health insurance, I have made every sort of appointment possible. I’ve had moles removed, my sensitive areas swabbed, eyes checked, teeth cleaned and prescriptions filled. One of the most annoying parts of being a “new patient” is that the paperwork is freaking endless. In the spirit of time management, many of these offices provide New Patient Forms on their websites so I can leisurely tell them when my last menstrual period was or if I allergic to any medications and bring the forms with me on my first visit. It’s a lot of paperwork and once I hand it over to Beth at the front desk, I forget about it and move on with my life. Then I discovered SignNow.com—the website that makes signing documents ridiculously simple and even stores them for me, FOR FREE!. Here’s how it works:

  1. Upload any document
  2. Go to www.signnow.com
  3. Enter your signature (you can draw it or type it—it’s all binding and 100% legal thanks to the e-sign act of 2000. You can even upload your pen and ink signature and keep it there.)

They ask for no registration, no account, nada. Just upload and sign. And get this—when you are done (It takes about 15 seconds), they email you a copy of your document in pdf and you can choose to download it. Organizational and environmental me is in love.  Just think about the possibilities for freelancers, renters, petitions, oh I could go on and on. I love a good product and this one is sweet.

P.S. I can’t wait to tell you about my $58 hair conditioner. Worth every penny.

Thanks Heather G! That sounds like one hell of a time / headache / paper saver.

What do you love?  Tell me about it!  Send guest posts / rants / raves/ questions to fanmail@jenniferheller.com.  Or bitch@jenniferheller.com… whatever mood you’re in is okay by me. Continue Reading

I have no idea what’s going on in Robbie’s head. Or in mine. I don’t know what to think or feel.

Originally Written on January 6, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Rejoice! Robbie and Keri broke up today.  Now he’s free and I’m supposed to make my move, which I kind of already have.  See, last night Ana and I were going through the yearbook (on the phone) trying to find guys to like.  Anyway we said we couldn’t like Robbie because we was taken.  So, at lunch I mentioned (to Ana, Natalie & Alexis) that we could like him now.  Kristen B. heard it and told Robbie I liked him.  Then Tom W. came over to ask me if I liked Robbie – I denied it but Ana said that I was madly in love w/ him.  Alexis backed up the story.  Soon, I was denying that I liked him left and right – to everyone but Robbie.  Then people said he was going to ask me out and would I go out with him.  Tom W. asked me out for him – but Alexis told him to have Robbie ask me out himself.  I saw very little of Robbie today.  Anyway, in block Kristen told me it was all a big joke and he wasn’t going to ask me out – but Cassie said he was.  I have no idea what’s going on in Robbie’s head.  Or in mine.  I don’t know what to think or feel.  I really want him to ask me out tomorrow but I don’t know if I’d say yes.  Alexis wants me to say yes.  I have a feeling she feels bad because I’ve never gone out with anyone and she has.  I just wish the talk would stop All of it.  There’s A LOT more. Continue Reading