I still can't believe it. We didn't win the lottery.

But we had bought the winning lottery ticket – admittedly, self-proclaimed – and we had purchased it in a little bumpkin town somewhere in the Central California, where all winning lottery tickets are purchased. The gas station across the street called itself “Gas War” (out of ignorance, we decided). How could it not be the winning lottery ticket?

I tore it up into little pieces in the aftermath of the drawing. As I analagously tore up my dreams of that immediate trip to Greece, the jaunt from there to Iceland, and then to – sigh, Thailand. And Portland, as promised. I wasn’t going to be greedy, either. My mother would get a house, my sister an investor. I’d pay my friend’s credit card bills for a month or more, and we’d all take long vacations. I wouldn’t stop working, and I’d invest wisely. Life was going to be alright.

The worst part of losing the lottery even though you bought the self-proclaimed winning lottery ticket? Having all your confidence in Tony Robbins dashed.

I first met Tony in his Get the Edge series (my aunt introduced us). He had a really motivating goal-setting workshop on Disc 3. It emphasized that visualization was the key to success. Visualization and goal-setting. So, I set some goals. One was inner peace (ha!). The most material was to have a million dollars by my next birthday. Back then, this was eleven months away. I figured if I could make $100,000 a month, I’d be golden.

Yeah, so now I’m 4 months away, and the lotto seems like my best bet. Tony told me stories of this couple who set a similar goal – millions in months (plausible get rich quick scheme not required). They won the lottery. Then they decided that five million wasn’t enough. So they set another impossible goal. And won the lotto again. And why did this happen for them? Because they believed it would. They visualized it happening.

Oh, how I visualized. Oh, how I believed. I believed in you, Tony. I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m sorry I wouldn’t have your child, but I was broke, even though you said the money was coming.

What’s that, Great Universe?

I do have four more months. I think maybe I’ll give this rollercoaster of hope and dispair another try. Perhaps even twice a week. And oh, how I’ll visualize. Oh, how I’ll believe. Thanks, Tony. I feel better now. Greece’ll still be nice in late summer. However crowded.

(While we were growing up, my parents bought a lotto ticket every Wednesday and Saturday. They used the same numbers, and never missed a week. We’ve all had nightmares of not playing the one week our numbers came up. One time we won $1,500. That was good for thirteen-year-old me, even though I only got $50 and a new vest. I tell myself that thirteen-year-old me thought a vest was way hot. Way wrong.)

in another possible world…

…I am dead right now.

We both had the right of way. It must not have occurred to the driver that there might be a pedestrian crossing. When I finally realized he didn’t see me coming, I screamed, and ran. He swerved, but it was too late. I floated above my body, and watched the paramedics desperately try to revive me. I saw the look of horror on the driver’s face. He hadn’t meant to take me out.

Fifty points.

back at worst temp job ever

and i finally figured out what to do with my time…

…drink as much of their crappy burnt coffee as I can stomach. This causes me terribly smelly gas, which I then release as silently as possible while filing in the boss’ office. It brings me infinitely more pleasure than dramatically mouthing the lyrics to the soft rock playing in the background.

Of course my absolute favorite activity remains flirting with the auto mechanics. You might say that they’re the Mercedes Benz of auto mechanics. And they sure are cute in those Dickies. Except the old and fat ones. Eww.

It backfired, though, this late morning. I was in the process of snaring my favorite Russian mechanic when my gas wasn’t nearly as silent as I’d expected. It also solved the mystery – if there had been any mystery – as to where the smell was coming from. It’s their damn fault for having such shitty coffee anyway. I’m on to them. The French Roast is totally the same as the House Blend.

Three days at a home fair in Santa Rosa

Friday:

1:15 p.m. Show up fifteen minutes late, hung over as a mother fuck. I can’t think, let alone communicate. Apparently, we’re selling sponges (I think I knew that?). But not the kind that keeps you from getting knocked up. Nor the kind that we typically use to clean around the house. (Those are filled with gaping holes – a haven for dirt, germs and bacteria.) Not to mention, they’re not absorbant at all, but we’ll get to that.

We’re not just selling sponges. We’re selling sponges. With a microphone, glaring lights, a rehearsed charming demo… The booth is complete with water heaters and Sponge Bob action figures (we are selling yellow sponges).

I can’t think at all. Spent the day bagging two big ones (one for the bathroom, and another for general cleaning – they retail on QVC for $19.95 a sponge, but here at the home show, they’re buy one get one), one small one (the perfect size for tubs, sinks, teflon, pots, pans and dishes) and a paper describing what to do when they get rock hard (why bacteria cannot survive and they don’t get the nasty odor those cellulite sponges get) and where to buy more (but you won’t need another one – they’re guaranteed for a year, but they’ll last for up to twenty or longer).

The demo ends with a dramatic demonstration of how the sponge removes Diet Pepsi from a square of light-colored carpet, Carpe Diem. Carpe Diem is not just any carpet, either. He has a sponge backing which absorbs the Diet Pepsi so it doesn’t form an unattractive puddle on the demo counter. He gets a bath every night, and when he’s not working a home show, he’s accompanied by framed pictures of beloved daughter and grandchildren.

I try to learn the spiel. Three damn minutes. I can’t take it. Pot food won’t help, I decide (thankfully – I can’t risk any more panic attacks at temp jobs).

I refuse to put on the microphone… Still in the H.O. at eight p.m. when the damn thing finally closes.

Saturday:

10:15 a.m. Try the demo, wind up spilling Diet Pepsi on the woman I’d suckered into watching my botch of a demonstration. It really is a convincing demo – especially when my mentor presents it. No one wouldn’t buy these sponges. They’re bacteria, mold and mildew resistent. They work like a vaccuum (that’s why we call it “the sponge that sucks”). It easily cleans any and all surfaces without scratching or leaving any streaks. Use it on cars, boats, RV’s, kitchen counters and kitchen appliances. It even works as a squeegee on your shower doors and glass.

It turns out my mentor has never once spilled Diet Pepsi on a customer in her five years in the business. The customer receives one free sponge, though she hadn’t witnessed the magic absorbant capabilities so vividly demonstrated by Carpe’s dance with Diet Pepsi, and thus she’ll probably never appreciate it. She was pissed, and rightfully so. She left with a brown stain on the crotch of her white pants. Well-rested me decided that it would be socially ackward to demonstrate the amazing absorbant capabilities of the sponge that sucks in this situation. I decide not to cry.

Hours pass. I sell my first sponges. I wear the microphone. I (mostly) remember the spiel, though I’m always forgetting to point out that they’re machine washable (or throw them in the dishwaster – I even bleach mine!). I even say, “So, if you get a spill, what do you do? Get excited, run and grab some paper towels. You might do a little dance on the paper towels, but a whole roll won’t get up the stain or the smell”, and make the joke about pouring the Diet Pepsi back into a glass – either “give it to the person who spilled – you’ll save money on drinks that way” or “give it to the kids – they’ll never know.” America laughs at that. And they love it when I say the word “pee”, even when it is imbedded in a list of liquids the sponge sucks up (not that that list is finite if the list of liquids is not).

8:15 p.m.: I leave the home fair and drive back to Oaktown, to return by noon the next day (which I accomplished, by the way…well, noon oh five). I try the towel (if you buy a bag right now, we’ll throw in a free towel – works like a chamois on your car or trucks, try it as a travel towel – Speedo makes one that Olympic swimmers use to towel off with after events). Not really as absorbant as I’d imagined. And it’s kinda hard to wash off. I’m a little disillusioned. I decide it takes multiple uses to really appreciate their usefulness, and I plan to try it as a face cloth (companies like Aveda, the Body Shop, Dermalo…oh fuck, why can’t I ever say it right?…DermalogEEEca market small squares of it for washing your face – it removes dirt oil and reside without getting any bacteria).

No need for complete sentences when you’re selling something. All that matters is that someone buys what you’re selling.

I manage to acquire prescription speed at the party I attend, a perfect solution to the problem that was the consequence of attending the party in the first place: not sleeping enough.

Sunday:

Take the Adderol and a bong rip, have a lovely drive to Santa Rosa.

12:15 p.m.: My mentor says “you’re looking awfully chipper this morning!” I feel validated. I sell some mops while she demos.

I demo. I sell three sets of sponges from one demo – not bad considering “it takes time to handle crowds.” I realize that I’m really only approaching women with the sponges. The men don’t really nod when I ask them if they’ve noticed how your normal cellulose sponge gets those smelly smells while I wave a clean one in their face. Lukily it’s dripping water, something a PVA sponge never does. It holds the liquid in until you squeeze the end or twist it like a towel. (I later learned that I was not twisting the sponge correctly. I’m going to practice this and my intonations before our next home fair in Conord in April.)

You have to hypnotize the crowd.

And when you do, as my mentor did time and time again, they grab the bags of sponges off the counter. You can’t take the money fast enough, or demonstrate again soon enough to keep their attention. The crowd always moves. But the ones that stay will never have a smelly sponge again. Did I mention that they’re guaranteed for a year, but I’ve heard from customers that they will last for up to twenty? Sometimes I forget to mention that. They’re made of Poly Vinyl Alcohol. (Did I get that right? sometimes I get it wrong. I called “Poly Virtual Alcohol” to one dude, and he didn’t bat an eyelash. Haha. Virtual alcohol. I like it.) It’s a material invented by NASA. It collects dirt, hairs and grime but since it’s dense with only microscopic pores, all the dirt, hairs and grime collects on the outside to be easily washed off by a stream of hot water. It’s the most absorbant material around, and these sponges are the most durable and sanitary on the market.

I learn that there’s money in sales. And you really don’t need complete sentences, but, really, I rather like complete sentences. What I don’t like is the forty hour work week, 50 weeks a year – anything to avoid that.

The big boss comes to meet me, right when I’m selling a mop to a lady who was lucky enough to witness a demo by my mentor. I’ll take it. I’m wearing the microphone and everything.

A trio of three elderly buy a set of sponges from me. They’re going to split the set between them (the towel you receive as a complimentary gift is so big that you can cut the towel in half or quarters to make one dish cloth, one dust rag, and still have half to use for a personal towel – great for traveling! – or a facial rag). They ask me whether I had to memorize the demo, since it seemed so natural to hear me say it. I admit that yes, I had to learn it. They ask how long I’ve been working on it. I modestly pronounce that today was only my third, yes, that’s right, third day selling sponges. I take their congratulations. Fills my belly. Have
I eaten?

I take the congratulations of a long-haird gentlemen that was awfully impressed with my demonstration, but somehow not impressed enough to buy a set of sponges. Asshole. He suggests that they’re really a quite a hippie product, since they’re reusable and biodegradable. I recognize how correct he is, and wonder how he can see my leg hair through my jeans.

The day ends. We total with $5400 in sales (not the best for a homeshow, but not the worst – though, admittedly, in the lower five). I walk away with $300, one mop, six big sponges, one small sponge, and two towels. Not to mention the infinite benefits of the knowledge that the selling of cleaning sponges is a sexist business (men don’t need to see Carpe’s role in the demo – all they need to know is that the PVA sponges and towels won’t leave streaks on their vehicle), that the handle of the mop is telescopic not stereoscopic (it extends to up to five and a half feet – use it to clean high up windows, or RV’s – and compacts for easy storage), and that you really don’t need to know how to spell chamois, or realize that it ought to be italicized in print, to sell a sponge that comes with a free one.

6:15 p.m.: I can’t wait to try out my new PVA mop on our mold on the bathroom ceiling. I drive back to Oak town, lock my keys in my car.

11:41 p.m.: Retreived keys thank goodness for AAA, but have yet to try out my new PVA mop on forementioned mold. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.

the curse of Time

Maybe it’s because I’m a Leo, and I crave perpetual drama, but I’m having a really hard time getting over the fact that I am over my ex-boyfriend. I always thought the hard part was the initial moving on, but I have definitely initially moved on. I’ve been initially moved on for months now. Or years even, depending on your interpretation of events.

but here I am…

…back to square one, still pissing and moaning about this stale relationship.

It’s just that this initial moving on that was so healthy has been slowly growing. It’s begun to envelope me. I can feel it, when I think of him. I know it, when I think of oh how much I like other people. And it’s especially obvious whenever we interact. My lack of patience for his eccentricities that I used to find so endearing – even sexy. My lack of patience for his everything. What a loving fool I was, in retrospect. What a loving fool I am, now, to be so distraught by this marked decrease in emotional investment.

Perhaps I’m a nostalgic to a fault (a consequence of the perpetual drama that rules my life?). Perhaps I’m not actually over him.

I could be not over him being over being over me. I could be jealous. People should know not to make a lion jealous.

I think I just miss missing him, miss loving him. I miss being in that state post-relationship where everything reminds you of the two of you together and how much fun you had. I miss looking at my clothes and thinking of how he liked that shirt, or didn’t like that skirt. I miss being unable to wear the jewelry we got together for fear of bursting into tears. I miss being unable to walk the streets of Berkeley without thinking about holding his hand. I miss having sex with other people and wishing it were him.

I miss being heart broken.

Fuck you Time. I didn’t want you to heal this wound. But thanks anyway. You’re like Mom. You always know what’s best.

And will you please send me a new one, so that I might be heart broken again?

it was a Wednesday

Bart car 1866. D/P train. 11:57 p.m.

A young male — do i call him a man, a boy? — asks me what my name is. A casual glance up met his unwavering attention.

I wanted to be left alone. “I don’t know.” I’d chosen a seat across from him. There was no avoiding him.

A minute later, again, “what’s your name?” His hand was in his jeans pocket and he was aware of it. I don’t answer.

“Embarcadero.” The train car was practically empty. No one got on or off. A long pause and the doors close. My new friend is still watching me. He gives me a sly grin and plays with his right eyebrow with the hand that isn’t in his pocket.

He was taking up both seats, laying with his head against the armwrest. Still watching me. I smile, confidently. He takes his hand out of his pants.

He has a companion, sitting on the adjacent seat. They had their backs to eachother, but now his friend turns around to speak. They chat and the one who still doesn’t know my name pretends to pass out. There’s a long pause as the train goes under the bay. Too loud for conversation anyway.

They begin to speak again, this time I notice in Spanish. West Oakland, my stop.

He says bye to me, and something else I don’t understand. I am waiting on the wrong side of the train, fairly drunk as I am. I smile – knowingly – as the train doors open and I walk out.

I choose a bench next to a handsome young professional in a suit and blue collared shirt. He gets up promptly, wanders away. I wish he’d sit next to me. He does.

“Did the Dublin Pleasanton train just come?”

“yeah…”

“when?”

“Oh. I was just on it.”

He’s looking at me, and I can’t avoid his brown eyes. I notice the texture of his shirt…speckled with a lighter blue. The suit, too, was in good taste. I wonder if I was meant to take the DP train and transfer. I decide that I was, and to fall in love.

“I must have fallen asleep.” He was annoyed. He would, after all, have a sixteen minute wait at this point. He asks me where I’ve been. A show, I answer. What show? oooh. I don’t remember, right now, I’m too in love. But I didn’t say that, of course. He had been out with friends, no details.

Now in love, I see his eyes are filled with meaning. Also meaningful is the way he’s leaning his head back so that I see him at an angle. He looks good at this angle. I decide I like his light brown hair, too, cut short above his temples.

It must be love. I trust him enough to get his opinion on my most recent inquisition. “Do you think the train operators choose on which side the doors open, or is it automatic? Since it depends on which station you’re at. Is that up to the operators?”

He doesn’t need to think about it. “It’s automatic.” Pause. “‘Cause they never make a mistake.”

I recognize that as some decent rationale and am satiated, if not altogether impressed. I want to kiss him. I love him. He lives at Lake Merrit. I think about coming home with him. Picking up a guy at a BART station. I resolve to tell my roommates that we had sex. On the BART train.

He’s still annoyed with missing his train. I feel sorry for him, my new love. I decide that he wants to kiss me too. I guess that’s why I thought my roommates might believe that I had sex on a BART train. The sign lights up as my train approaches the platform. I look at him, try to make my lips just that perfect amount of pouty. “Enjoy your wait,” I say. “It’s only twelve minutes.”

I board car 448 to Pittsburg/Bay Point, turning around to bid my own true love goodbye. I wonder if maybe he’ll post a missed connection on CraigsList when he realizes just what he lost. I choose a seat in the middle section. There is a man standing in that space BETWEEN the cars. I’ve never seen this before. Just standing there, holding onto I don’t know what. This car is noticeably busier than the last one… I can’t help but hear a conversation behind me.

A man is speaking, “…the political aspects of the song are lost, but still relevant today given the Iraq war.”

He and his compatriot begin to sing. “I’m slightly behind the times…” The man asks the Bart train, myself included, for help with the words of the song. I can’t help, I’ve never heard it before. His companion tires of the song, wants to talk. “Roger was a genius. If his brother left, Roger would have been nothing.”

“What happened to Roger. He go to jail?”

“Yeah.”

The man wants to sing again, and begins humming. “Gotta sing it in key.”

“I remember…” His friend joins in. “When we used to play…” Now embarassed, now singing, they take turns where each knows the lyrics. The man sitting in front of me looks back, his face distorted in annoyance and disgust. He rubs his head, and I imgaine that it hurts. I realize that we are still sitting at 12th street.

The duo starts a new one. “Didn’t I blow your mind this time, didn’t I?”