Six Years of Self-Employment

Today is the sixth anniversary of the day I left my full-time job.

I was 27. I had decided to leave my job one month earlier. I was then acting Development Director — the highest position in the fundraising and marketing branch of my small non-profit. I had worked there off and on since I was 19.

My coworkers were my family. I came to work everyday greeted by people I loved and who loved me (I think…). I worked with students with stars in their eyes; learned all about their hopes and dreams. Watching them party and study, party and study. There were good points. There were bad points.

I looked around my office that fateful day, and I realized… “I’m too comfortable.” Continue Reading

Life Lesson: Give Up the “Shoulds”

I’ve been in therapy for two years and some change.

I went to therapy because I was sick of giving myself grief — grief over not being successful enough, not blogging enough, not exercising enough. The list went on and on. I am, and always have been a perfectionist, you see.

A favorite bit of wisdom to help one get over not doing something Perfect-You would have done: “I thought I wanted to do that, but I guess I didn’t want to.”

Forgiveness in a phrase. Repeat the phrase and let it go. For instance, I haven’t blogged in months. I’ve known that each and every day — and known that blogging makes me happy and furthers my goals. Yet I have let the fact that I haven’t blogged dissipate into the ether each and every day and with that decision has come priceless peace of mind. Absolutely priceless. Continue Reading

5 Most Embarrassing Moments of 2012

5. Turning a Fun Social Reunion Totally Awkward

It was the Sunday before Christmas. I was out shopping with Julia and doing what I do best: visiting local businesses, saying hello and giving them some money. I love supporting indie businesses!

I particularly wanted to visit a colleague’s shop. I hadn’t seen her new shop yet and I was excited to see her wares. They were expensive, btw.

I walk in. She says enthusiastically, “Hey! Long time no see!”

She remembers me!!  She remembers me! I was excited. I like her a lot. She has done some amazing stuff in her life; it’s inspiring to even know her.

I hurry over, excited to talk. I try to remember: she’s married to a fellow creative genius. A male fellow creative genius. They’ve been married for awhile, and that’s when I see her more clearly! She must be pregnant!! How very exciting!!

“Hi!!” I hurriedly approach her as my mind races with all these exciting thoughts. When is she due? Is it a boy or a girl? How will this affect her ability to run her own business?

My face must have ebullient. I like babies. “Are you pregnant?!?”

4. Turning an Awkward Situation Even More Awkward. If that Were Even Possible.

She looked kind of confused and shocked by my question.

In my mind this meant only one thing: She didn’t hear me clearly.

“Are you pregnant?” I ask again, equally as excited for her new family member as before.

“No…” she said, blushing and looking away.

3. Continuing the Conversation

“Oh!!” At this point I get it. She’s not pregnant.

And I just asked if she was not once. No, not just once. Twice. I was mortified.

“I’m sorry!” I gasped. My face must have been beet red. What could I say? My mind raced…what could I say? How could I fix this?

Time is running out. She’s looking away; she wants me to go away; I’ve ruined whatever friendship might have been. I have to fix this.

“It must be your sweater.”

Genius me. Absolute genius. Now you’ve insulted her sweater.

2. Still Continuing the Conversation.

At this point, what do you do? I’ve inadvertently suggested that I think she looks fat, and that her sweater makes her look fat. It looked like such a nice, cuddly and warm sweater. It was so cold that day. I wear sweaters that make me look fat all the time. Oooh what have I done??

“So…how’s business?”

Yes. At this point I attempt to make small talk. All of my social grace had flown out of the window by now…and it wasn’t coming back.

She was nice about it…answered a few questions before someone — THANKFULLY — needed her help to purchase one of her handmade and adorable goods.

With a huge sigh of relief, our conversation ended.

1. Telling Julia about My Faux Pas. In the Store.

Did I mention that my social grace had flown out the window? Oh, yes, it had. It was up there in the sky dancing with the rainclouds by now. Probably telling them that they looked pregnant too.

I wandered around the store politely inspecting the goods and hoping to find something for someone on my list. I didn’t.

Julia was on the other side of the store. “Oh my god,” I said under my breath. “Oh my god.”

“What??” Her face was expectant. I could tell she could tell it was going to be good.

“I just asked that girl if she was pregnant.” I was talking as quietly as I could muster given my mortified state. I hope she couldn’t hear me. She was on the other side of the store, after all. But, really…what possessed me to bring this up while we were still IN THE STORE?? Couldn’t I want five minutes til we were on the street?

No. I was that embarrassed.

Julia was shocked. “YOU NEVER DO THAT!!!” That might have been audible across the store. I hope it wasn’t.

Julia continued, “Don’t you know that?? Everybody knows that!! Oh my god.”

I hung my face in shame. We exited the gift shop.

Julia sighed, “Well, I guess now you do.”

Pin what you want Win what you want

3 Things You Don’t Know About Me

3. Email Monster

I just sent my first email newsletter. Maybe you got one. If you didn’t, I suggest you subscribe. I have a feeling I may be sharing some juicy tid bits in that thing. Or not sending anything at all. Time will tell.

2. I had a baby.

Not a real baby. A website baby. Gift Chameleon.com. And to celebrate…

1. I want to buy you a holiday gift.

Gift Chameleon is fun. It’s like an infinite wonderland of yummy gift ideas. Use it to create a holiday wishlist and follow a few other rules, and I will personally pledge not to be prejudiced when we pick our five winners.

Pin what you want Win what you want

*Failure to participate could be risky, possibly even life-threatening! We don’t know, we’re not doctors, but you should definitely participate to be on the safe side.

p.s. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Rejectedly Yours

“My heart fell to the sweaty gym floor, and shattered in to thousands of tiny fragments.”

Wed 9-21-94

Today could very well be my worst day yet in the eighth grade. I was basically depressed all day. But P.E. really did it. I was pretty depressed when I got to P.E. Right off, I noticed that Emily C. was dancing with Dave for the second time in a row. Well that didn’t bother me that much. I don’t like Dave anymore, right? Yeah, sure.

Well I asked some guy to be my partner. Well, we asked each other. He looked familiar; I knew he was in my grade. Well, he turned out to be a great dancer. I consider myself to be a pretty good dancer, but I was really nervous dancing with him. I really wanted to ask him to be my partner for the dance contest, or at least I wanted someone good like him for my partner, but I didn’t ask. He was very good and I don’t know how good I am so I didn’t ask. Well, the P.E. teachers had the people entering the dance contest on one side of the gym and the rest on the other.

Well, I glanced over and noticed Dave and Emily on the side with the people entering. That pounded another stake in my heart. A while later, Jenny L., runs over to my partner and asked him to be her friend’s partner in the contest. I know it didn’t matter but when he just upped and left like that my heart fell to the sweaty gym floor, and shattered in to thousands of tiny fragments. I don’t know why it hurts so. I guess it was, or I’m judging it as just another rejection to add to my list. I know it doesn’t matter, but it hurts, it really does. Badly. I hoped he’d come up after class and apologize or something but he didn’t. And I guess in my heart I knew he wouldn’t. I mean to him, I’m just another dance partner. He’s had quite a few. I’m just another face in the crowd. Nobody special.

Rejectedly Yours

Rejectedly yours,

Jennifer Heller

P.S.: I’m so depressed and hurt

10 Reasons I’m a Shitty Blogger

1. I’m inconsistent.

This is probably the worst of my sins. I try and I try to blog every week, if not every day. And then life will sweep me up and I’ll somehow avoid it and keep avoiding it. The way you might avoid exercise.

2. I ignore inspiration.

I have SO MUCH I want to say all the time. I make long lists of blog entries to write, and frequently laugh out loud at a tidbit that I can’t wait to share. But I’m doing something else — cooking, cleaning, working. And I don’t blog it before the inspiration passes.

3. I don’t follow current events.

It’s election day and I’m blogging about being a shitty blogger. Fail!

4. I’m always beginning posts and never finishing them.

Case in point.

What will happen to the cool group tomorrow?!

Sun 9-18-94

Do you notice how at the beginning of each entry I write really, or kinda neat and by the end it’s barely legible at all?

Guess what? I don’t like Dave anymore. I decided that. It’s easy to decide things like that when you aren’t seeing the person. Well we’ll see tomorrow.

Yesterday, Em, Nat, Katie and I went to the mall. It was a blast.

I’m rather scared about tomorrow and what will happen to the cool group. I hope we’ll eat together. But I guess it’s up to the guys. Dave will stick around whether or not they do. Goody!

Well, we’ll see what happens.

I Love <3 ??

Jennifer Heller

Only time will tell…