I’m writing on binder paper because I left my diary at Emily’s. I felt that today was to important to write in later.

Well, I guess I’ll begin. At noon Mom asked me to clean my room. Dad was gone, and would be back at 1. So she came in at 12:30, and yelled at me for not getting it done. I had just started on it. We stood there yelling at each other for awhile. Then she left. About five minutes later Mom came back. She told me that if Dad and her got divorced it would be my fault for not cooperating at all. I thought she was just threatening me.

Later, she asked me if I would be coming to Colorado with her or staying here with Dad. I asked her what she meant. She told me that they might be splitting up. I felt like crying then and there but I waited till she left. Then I cried into my pillow for awhile. Then she came in again. She talked to me about it as I cried. After about ten minutes, we asked for a miracle and then she left. Dad got home but I barely talked to him. My eyes were all red.

Dad and Mom sat in their room talking for quite awhile. Almost an hour. I listened for awhile, but after awhile I just couldn’t. Mom and Dad went to the grocery store awhile later to get lunch. We had a huge meal around 4. Mom and Dad seemed to be getting along. At six, I made cookies. At seven we watched “Upstairs Downstairs”, a T.V. show. Mom and Dad were sitting hella close together. For awhile they were holding hands. Later Mom told me that it probably wouldn’t happen. I’m scared, though. Throughout my childhood, I’d ask Dad after a fight between them, if they we’re going to get a divorce. He said, no, of course not. Then I made him promise that they wouldn’t ever get one.

I just never thought that my parents would get a divorce. They still might not. Things seem pretty normal around here. I’m just praying…

That’s not the only thing going on around here, but it’s definately the most upsetting. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I wanted to do something with the “cool group,” but it looked like it wasn’t going to happen. Anyway last night, Dave called. I broke out in a sweat after he said who it was. He told me that the plan for the 4th is that everybody goes to his house at about 7:00 or 7:15 that night. We’d go swimming at nine, we’d go the the end of the street and watch the fireworks. Then we’d go back to his house and eat dessert. Parents would pick us up at around 10:15.

I really want to go. But when I learned about my parents, I shouldn’t go with them because it might be one of the last family activities. Not to mention the fact that Dad said I couldn’t go. I really want to, though. I need to get away. Every time I see one of my parents, I get scared. I need to have some fun with my friends, and quickly! I’m going crazy I swear! But I won’t push it, in case it would just cause more trouble between my parents.

I just pray for a miracle…

Ice skating was cool. Dave got there forty min. after Nat + me. Nat was in her lesson, so I had to make conversation with him. It went badly. But overall the day was ok. I felt pretty left out, but I’ve come to accept that. I still like him.

Summer school is soo cool! In art we have to sketch on our own and I’m very into it! I exell in art. Drama’s different. I’m having a wonderful time doing pantomime and such. It’s so easy to perform. I love it!

Becky is going to here

TOMORROW!

I can hardly believe it! But I can’t wait! I miss her so badly. I just hope we still have stuff in common…

Well, Becky is here. It is SO good to see her! She arrived earlier than expected on Thursday.

(That pen wasn’t working)

We talked a lot that night. She kept me up with insults until one. For some reason, I don’t remember her that way. I suppose, I just remember the good things about her.

Anyway, yesterday, I tried out for parts in drama–I hope I gut Fryer Luck! (spin off of Robin Hood). That’s a pretty big part. Summer school is great.

That afternoon, we went to Emily’s. From there, we took off for Santa Cruz 4 her birthday partee. Natalie and Becky got along pretty well and the ride was really cool. We were all on a sugar high and practically bouncing off the walls. When we reached our destination, we stopped at the cabin, where we’re staying. Then we hopped into the car and went to Taco Bell. From there we went to the Beach Boardwalk. We got the wristbands and went on the sky rides.

I was tired since I’d gotten up at six that morning. Em went on with Beck and Nat + I went together. I guess I was a little pissed at Em then. She seemed to be competeing 4 Beck’s attention. We kept going on rides. It was a cold night. To me, M was acting buddy-buddy with both Nat and Beck. I felt majorly left out. I felt as if, after they chose people to go on rides with, the one left would go with me. There were times when I could have burst out crying.

Natalie was singing all night and I didn’t mind at all. But every time I started to sing with them, I was told to go into acting, not singing. It just hurt me ’cause it’s not like I can help it. It just pissed me off, cause I was putting up with them. I guess I felt inferior cause I can’t sing and they can. But they don’t have to rub my face in it! So I sorta zoned them out. Or tried to.

I just wanted to go home and cry. Then we went on the Giant Dipper. I should have had fun on the ride, since it’s named after me. They even have a restaurant that’s named after me: Dipper Diner! Anyway, sometime during the course of the evening, Nat and M decided that they’d go on the roller coaster together. Beck hates roller coasters, so once again, I’m left out. We were going to get seats close together, but it didn’t work. I got stuck next to some guy. As we were climbing toward the top, I felt the tears stinging my eyes. I almost let them fall. I know that when M reads this, she’s going to apologize and give me a hug. I’ll say it’s ok. I’m tired of being fucking left out. OK, so may be I wasn’t the best company, but every single group trip I go on, I’m

ALWAYS

left out. You would not believe how much anger I have at this. I understand that no one means for it to happen, but it does! I go on the trips, hoping that it’ll be better than the last one. But each one seems to get worse and worse. I swear I’m not going to go on anymore. They’re just not fun.

Anyway, the rest of the time at the board walk was ok. I tried to enjoy myself. I guess I did a little. One thing that REALLY pissed me off was that after we got off the Dipper, Em’s dad talked to her almost immediately, she tried to cheer me up. But the only reason she tried, was because her dad told her to. And Em, don’t say that it’s not true, cause it is, and you know it.

That night, when the lights were off, Em + Nat were talking on their cots. I was with Becky on the sofa bed. It seemed as if no one wanted to sleep by me. And right now, I’m just so hurt I know that tomorrow I’ll brush it off and say it was nothing but it is. I’m tired of not being liked. It’s happened to me so many times. I just feel unloved by my friends. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is.

When they joke around saying, “Aw, I don’t want to sit by HER!” There is a limit. And this weekend, they went beyond the limit every time we chose places or something. I would hear the same line about me and after awhile, it just hurts. I’m not that sensitive, but these are my best friends! They’re the one’s who are supposed to support me, not make fun of me! But I don’t think I’ll change. This morning I didn’t feel resentful to Emily anymore. But then it started again. We went garage sale shopping and it was quite boring. Emily barely said one word to me, everyone else but not me, and that just added to my pile of reasons why I was pissed at her.

Then we went to the cottage and then to the beach. Becky wouldn’t get wet and Nat wasn’t going to go in as far as I wanted to so that left me + M. I did not feel like spending time with her. I suggested that we should take off our t-shirts so we wouldn’t have to worry about getting them wet. She didn’t want to. Then ten min. or so later, she took hers off. I know it’s really stupid, but that pissed me off. It’s like, the idea sucks when I think of it, but a little later, it’s a wonderful idea, just as long as I didn’t think of it.

Then a little later, she wants to talk to me. She says that since Becky wasn’t having any fun, she and I should take turns cheering her up and taking time out of our own fun time! I felt like saying, “I’m not having a fun time at all, so how can I take time out of it, to cheer Beck up?!!!” But I didn’t, mostly because I didn’t think of the line til after she talked to me. Soon we left.

The ride home was pretty good. It’s a really long drive! We had tons of candy and we were all sick. I forgot about my anger towards M. But now it has returned. And now, I’m out of room in my diary and have no money to buy a new one. My life just keeps getting worse and worse. The line of problems is a leaky faucet–it never stops leaking new problems! And I keep crossing my t’s!