It was so NIFTY! That’s our new word! Boy am I tired.

Originally Written on May 26, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was the GATE trip to the tidepools. It was cool but I’m SO tired! We had to be at school at 3:30 AM! I had a wee bit of trouble getting up. We left the school about 5 to 4 and arrived in Half Moon Bay about 5 or so. I was in the same group as Ana. We went out to the kelp covered rocks and slipped and slided around looking for marine life. My feet were so cold…I swear I was afraid of frost bite. By the end of the tidepooling part of the field trip I was up to my knees in water. The bottom half of my legs was numb. Swear it took hours afterwards to get the feeling back into them. A group of us me, Ana, Natalie, Katie, Pat S., and Chris B. built a total nifty sand castle. It was so NIFTY! That’s our new word! Boy am I tired. I can hardly believe it was this morning that we left. It feels like days ago.

You will never believe what I’m doing. I’m on chapter 4 but I think I need to lengthen the chapters. It started out being a

So far there is only one cuss word in it and hell’s a place not a thing.

Originally Written on June 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been busy. I can’t seem to stop writing this book- I think I’ll actually do it this time. I’m going to get it published and everything. I can’t figure out what the title should be though. Today I gave lots of people copies of it so they could edit it. I haven’t made any of the changes yet- but it’s like they’re adopting my story. I might as well say it’s by Jennifer Hellers friends. I know i really need their input and believe I apreciate- but I’m not going to change a lot. I’ll think about what they think and if they think one part sucks I’ll improve it. But I’m not adding anything that isn’t my own words. So far there is only one cuss word in it and hell’s a place not a thing.

Ciao! (Chow!)

School’s cool. I get to see all my friends and I get to socialize. I don’t even mind the tests.

Originally Written on June 12, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

As you can see, I’ve trid to write before. But I’ve just been too busy. There has been a lot going on. So, I’ll start at the beginning of the mad rush of stuff. Last Friday night – the 3rd was Nikki N’s party. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go to it because she’s a rocker and I’m not. But I went and I danced with her brother, he’s in 6th grade – named Ricky 4 times. I danced 3 slow and 1 fast as well as 2 slow with other peoples.

I was really uncomfortable for most of the party. Melissa L. kept telling me to ask Ricky out. Now Ricky is sweet but he’s ugly and annoying. I didn’t want to go out with him. But I survived that evening.

On Saturday I signed up for the future stars competition which is taking place tomorrow! I’m soooooo nervous!

Nothing happened on Sunday, I think. I was afraid Ricky would ask me out on Mon but he didn’t.

Nothing happened Tues but Wed. was the band concert! We played Canto and I had to play the gong! I only missed two gongs! I’m so happy and proud of myself. After the concert, Jordan talked to me, and it was like I had been accepted into their little circle. Not completely but on Thurs Jordan bopped me on the head with his rolled up poster. I can see why Emily likes him but I could never.

I’m afraid I am starting to like Andy (AGAIN!) I don’t know. It was like Wed. or Thurs. and he was coming up to our row in Science. He sit next to Lina. Anyway our eyes met and it was really wierd. In that second I got this feeling that I like him. I haven’t been able to shake that feeling, try as I might. Fri night I went camping so I had to miss my skating lessons on Sat. But I sat, starring at the starry sky, trying to short my thoughts and feelings. I haven’t figured out my feelings yet. I know it’s stupid to like a guy in the happy group because I don’t have a chance with them.

On Fri, Nikki in PE told me that Rikky wanted to go out w/ me. In French, I told Nikki that I wouldn’t. I know I made the right decision because I don’t like him, but this was a chance for me to finally have a boyfriend. I know that guys can like me, because he asked me out.

At the awards ceremony for Band, Fri. afternoon, Andy won for best lashes and he got a tube of mascara. And he does have the best lashes. They’re long and thick and gorgeous! They belong on a girl. But I can’t like him! I’m tired of liking guys I don’t have a chance with. But he is single. I could ask him out but that would be stupid. I just need to sort out my feelings for him. He’s nice though. Annoying but nice. He’s always singing, and, oh, his lashes are wonderful! But I already talked about those.

I’m soooooooo infinity os nervous! I can’t believe the competition is tomorrow! I want to win soooo bad! But I’m up against this one girl that I saw at the rink today. She’s in my class, and she’s halla good. All I can hope is that I’m not giving myself enough credit or that she falls flat on her butt. I’m also up against this sucky girl, so I can at least beat her. I hope! Please, God, help me! I want to win sooooooo bad! And I will. I choose my divine blueprint.

I really don’t want school to end. When school ends then I’m stuck alone in summer. School’s cool. I get to see all my friends and I get to socialize. I don’t even mind the tests. I wish it didn’t have to end. It’s amazing that it has been almost a year since Becky has moved. The end of the year brings back so many memories of her. I wish she hadn’t moved.

Good news: I came in SECOND! Bad news: There were only two people in my league!

Originally Written on June 13, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Good news: I came in SECOND!

Bad news: There were only two people in my league!

I laugh every time I think about that. I did pretty well on my routine, but Jessica, my competition, deserved to win. I’m happy, because I got a cheap silver medal on a paper ribbon that’s already falling apart for my first competition, I think I did really well. At lease I had fun. Mom was right – the first time is the new experience the next time is for winning. OK, that’s not exactly what she said, but that’s how I interrperted it.

CIAO!
[drawing of silver medal in red pen]

Doug was looking at me in a weird way at the beginning. I’m starting to feel accepted.

Originally Written on June 14, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I have no idea why I’m writing in cursive. Today was the class trip to the waterslides. It was really fun. I spent the day with Em, Nat, Jordan and this Doug person. I don’t mean to sound concited, or anything but Doug was looking at me in a weird way at the beginning. I’m starting to feel accepted. Tomorrow we get our year-books. I really don’t want this school year to end. But in 3 days I’ll be in eigth grade. I don’t know why, but its like when the school year ends, then I’ll have to start all over next year. I think there’s more than that but I can’t figure it out yet.

Bye!

“Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day.” – Rob

Originally Written on June 15, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We got our yearbooks today. I feel so bad. I jumped to conclusions. I’ll start at the beginning…

In block I didn’t want to ask Robbie to sign my yearbook. I thought he was an asshole. But he asked me to sign his and I said only if you’ll sign mine. Somebody else was signing it so as soon as they were done, I gave it to Robbie. He signed it, and I’m looking at my yearbook “Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day. – Rob

Well that just made me feel horrible, I had obviously embarressed him majorly that that day and I jumped to conclusions when I asked him out and he said “no”. He had probably still resending me because of that day and thought that maybe this was another dare. My chest might have been part of it, but not all of it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and it makes sense that he said no. Cassie had said he wanted me to ask him out, so he could know if I wanted to go out with him. Everyone around was pressuring us, and it had been out of peer pressure that I asked him out. He know that I wouldn’t have, if everyone hadn’t influenced me, so he know I hadn’t liked him. I wouldn’t go out with someone under those circumstances. I think I have finally reached level of understanding. I just feel so bad, because I judged him, and hated him for so long and he didn’t deserve it. I wish there was a way that I could let him know that I understand and that I’m sorry. I just hope I’m not jumping to this conclusion. But I don’t think I am. There is still one other person I hate: Mike H. I wonder if I’m jumping to conclusions about him. I doubt it. I just fee sooooo bad. Maybe I’ll call him and apologize. Maybe not.

You know. It’s been my goal awhile, to be in the happy group.

Originally Written on June 16, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I can’t believe there is only 1 more day of school! It all passed so quickly. Today was a day of yea-book signing and now I think I have over 100! I really don’t want the year to end. It’s hard to believe that tomorrow at this time I’ll be in eighth grade! This year was fun and I hate to have 2 part with it. It’s been almost a year since Becky left. I miss her terribly. You know. It’s been my goal awhile, to be in the happy group. Becky and I were just becoming good friend and the year ends. More later.

The Diary Project June 21 1994

Maybe I should just become lesbian and ditch the male sex.

Originally Written on June 21, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Becky is coming! I’m so happy about that. Last night Doug asked Emily out. Today she said yes. I know I should be happy 4 her I’m just green-eyed I guess. I always thought that she’d be single. It never entered my mind that she’s go out out w/ someone before I did. I mean, oh I don’t know. This just makes me realize that guys don’t not like me because of my chest. Em’s practically flatter than me. (no offense to her). It must be my looks or my personality. I wish I knew. I’d change I swear I would. I wish I had a guy friend who could give me answers why don’t they like me? I really want to know what’s wrong w/ me. I want to go out w/ someone so bad! But it looks like it’s not about 2 happen. Maybe I should just become lesbian and ditch the male sex. Yeah right I have this poster of Aladdin w/ Jasmine on my wall. They’re flying on the majic carpet with the stars shining around them. I wish that would happen 2 me. I wish I’d find my ??????? and he’s whisk me away. He’d love me and we’d live together in a castle. All I want is 2 know that some guys out there like me. I know that Ricky asked me out but he’s liked every girl he knows. So has Tom. Except, to my knowledge, me. Why won’t he like me? If someone knows, TELL ME! I REALLY want to know. God, please let someone respectable like me and ask me out. Not some sixth grade geek or seventh grade wierdo. I wish there would be my ?????? and he’d like me. Where is he? What is wrong with me? Who ever is reading this tell me the truth. Don’t lie and say that I’m wonderful and that I just haven’t found the right guy. Don’t cover up the knowledge that you have. I won’t get angry with you.

Just tell me!

I’m begging u.

I want to know!