Like I did.
appropriate
On Laundry Day
Our neighbor Lois is a hilarious elderly lady. She loves our cat Shawn and is always letting us know what’s going on with him and his outdoor exploits. She goes to conventions every year filled with people who also share the name Lois. Who does that? Lois does!
The other day Will was managing the laundry situation (a big job!) and Lois was monitoring his activity. I don’t blame her; life is pretty boring. She’s also known to monitor and report in detail on the status of our trash bins…whether they’re full or empty, picked up or not.
Anyway, Will says to her, “Almost done!”
“Ah! Very good. Almost done.” Lois seems satisfied with this answer.
A philosophical wind blew through Will. “But…is laundry ever done??”
Lois cackled. “Ha! That’s true. Laundry’s never done.”
Will headed up our back stairs to our apartment.
About a minute later, Lois added, “…until you’re gone..”
Good Story, Jeopardy Contestant
The other day there was a giant dog in a car parked in front of our apartment building. Such a beautiful dog left alone in a car for seemingly hours!
We stood around discussing who would do something like that when our neighbor Lois approached the car. The dog exploded into the fiercest of barks!
Not such a nice dog after all!!
A few minutes later, Shawn the cat jumped on that very car.
Oh no!! What would happen when the two saw each other??
Would they perhaps tear each other to pieces? Would this be the end of our great friend Shawn???
Nah…
Playing Cultural Catch Up: Angry Birds
I’ve been playing a lot of Angry Birds lately. I know I’m like three years behind on this, but better late than never right?
Now as I go through my daily life, I picture slinging a bird at whatever it is that’s annoying me. Did a car pull in front of me too quick? I’ll use one of the black birds that turns into a bomb on them. Yeah, that’ll teach ’em!
The other day I was sure that my soap in my soap dish was one of those offensive pigs glaring at me.
You can see the resemblance right???
At first was particularly unimpressed with the plotline. How could the concept of stolen eggs capture America’s — and the world’s — heart?? Perplexing.
I kept playing. I don’t now why. Something inside of me rejoiced every pop of a pig and toppled tower. Death, vengeance, destruction. Adorable graphics. Somehow the perfect combination.
Last night the boyfriend and I were sitting on a couch when we heard a noise. It sounded as if something or someone were home with us. He went off to investigate. My mind immediately leapt to the worst-case scenario. It must be an intruder!
I glanced around the room for a weapon. My eyes fell on a guitar and I visualized smashing it over the intruder’s head.
“That won’t do,” I thought. “But what would?”
“I know!!” I thought in all seriousness, “A slingshot and a bird!!”
Yes, if only I could sling these birds out of my phone and at intruders. Then the world would be safe.
True story.
I’ve been coveting an ipad.
Really, really coveting.
You see, even my cat loves electronics. The proof is in the photo.
iPads are good for cats*. They can play that one game with the fish in the pond and never actually catch a fish. Eleven is too old to have that hurt his self esteem, right? It would only give him hours and hours of amusement.
And me too. Also, it’s a justifiable expense. How can I possibly be operating a web business without an iPad to test websites on? For instance, this one looks awesome on an iPad. Or so I think…
Ah the many justifications of life. Who will win? The battle of indulgence verses sensibility wages on…
*What do you think of the capitalization here? Does Apple have a protocol for when you start sentences with “iPod”, “iPad” or “iPhone”?? Twenty-first century problems, man. I tell you.
Rest in Peace DealDetectives.com
It’s a sad day around here today. I’ve just discovered that dealdetectives.com is no more. At least, it is no more the awesome source for deals it once was and is now just listing coupon codes, a job that so many websites are out there doing already.
Sigh.
But since you’re no more, please, dealdetectives.com, please take off the last awesome deals you listed from the bottom of your site. That Lenovo laptop deal got me so excited, and then broke my heart. No one else needs that kind of pain.
Jennifer Heller Megalomaniac
I have been searching, searching, searching for the right name for this blog.
Historical Sidenote: From 2005 to 2008(?), this blog was hosted on blogger and called “Ought Never Be Daunted,” a reference to a scene in The Sun Also Rises where Jake is not as drunk as Brett is, but Brett urges Jake in those words that it’s not too late to catch up. How awesome is that?
Since I moved those posts over here and gave up all claim to anonymity, I have been calling this site “Jennifer Heller dot com,” knowing full well how lame it was, but at a loss for anything better.
These past few weeks I’ve been giving this site something of a face-life in my spare time, and I kept hoping to come up with a name for the site that would express its mission: Fun, Friends and Hilarity.
We toyed with “Jennifer Heller Fun Friends Hilarity.” But the glaring lack of punctuation was a non-starter.
And then yesterday, Sue pointed out that I am pretty much a megalomaniac. A megalomaniac!! I loved it! I couldn’t spell it but I loved it.
I looked it up, just in case I didn’t really understand what it meant. Which it turned out I didn’t. Merriam-Webster definies megalomania as:
1: a mania for great or grandiose performance
2: a delusional mental disorder that is marked by feelings of personal omnipotence and grandeur
Number two made me LOL. As did my new header graphic, which I’ll record again here in case it changes in the future:
Are there enough Jens in this graphic? Is it creepy??
So what do you think? Is “Jennifer Heller Megalomaniac” not the perfect title for someone who spends her spare time betraying the secrets of her youth and planning extravagant birthday parties? Isn’t any blogger something of a megalomaniac at heart? Does it make you LOL?? And isn’t it really freaking hard to spell???
I’m 30 going on 12
This may or may not be a true story.
Today Julia and I were wandering down Fourth Street, a veeerry swanky part of Berkeley, California. We look cute — all dolled up — never mind the holes in Julia’s shirt and the bike shorts I insist on wearing under my skirt. Yeah, we’re cute, and we’re wandering around the CB2 store making fun of the techno music that makes you want to shop and admiring their $25 file folders and shit.
It was all pretty tame and innocent when Julia discovered these little magnetic sphere things. They were pretty fun, I had to admit. She even managed to make them into a bracelet!! Way to go Julia!! If only I had my camera out for this magic moment…
The bracelet — held together only by the attraction of one sphere to another — fell apart!! Little magnetic balls were everywhere. We laughed uproariously and I bemoaned the lack of video footage as I helped Julia track down the balls.
We got most of them, but one was behind this desk, and I thought I could bend down and fish it out. Technically, I could have, but the fact of the matter was that at that moment I had a big ass purse in tow. And that big ass purse in tow bumped a shelf and knocked the display of picture frames off in a dramatic tumble of metal and glass.
We couldn’t hide from the crash. No, that moment found us shame-faced and staring at a pile of broken glass and unsalable merchandise. And the next found us running out of the store like 12-year-olds who neglected to listen to their moms’ advice, “Look but don’t touch girls!!” Continue Reading
Something to Complain About: Window Envelopes
I’m a huge reduce, reuse and recycle fan. I might even be militant. Sometimes when I see a toilet paper roll in the bathroom trash my head turns red and I almost pop. Then I remember that I live with other people with different priorities and that I’m lucky to have a house at all. So many people don’t.
I save all envelopes for reuse. Some companies are really nice and leave the front mostly blank except for their address; that’s easy–just stick a label on top of their address and boom! One small fraction of a tree is saved.
It is not so easy with window envelopes. First of all, why are there so many damn types of window envelopes? It’s like businesses think they’ll stand out by having their address in a unique place. Looking through my stack of window envelopes just now I had like fourteen different kinds, none of which easily fit my IRS tax payment form (which was obviously made for a window envelope).
A full five minutes later I’d managed to fold my tax payment form a bunch of different ways and position the IRS’ address in the window meant for some bank statement. But what an ordeal! Those are five minutes I’ll never get back, world. All to save you.
You’re welcome.
