Since Quinn was born, I can go from zero (not stressed) to sixty (“HOLY SHIT HE’S GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED”) pretty much instantly.
Instead of letting my crazy thoughts take control, I have decided to name the different personalities in my head.
That way when I think, “OMG Will’s changing Quinn. Is he going to fall off the changing table?! Did he buckle him in? I hope he buckled him in…”, I know that that’s just Worried Wilma taking control of my brain. Oh hello there, Worried Wilma. Thanks for your input. Let’s move on.
Here are the characters in my head:
Worried Wilma is convinced — CONVINCED — that Quinn will die at any moment. She is really good at noticing all the possible ways he might die — or get kidnapped — at all times.
Right now? I’m on my couch. He’s napping on my bed. Worried Wilma is busy delineating every bedding item, concerned that they might move — of their own accord — to suffocate him. Pretty much every item in our house is capable of locomotion and nefarious intentions. That book in that adorable photo of Quinn up there? It’s going to levitate and bash his head in at any moment.
She’s also pretty stressed right now about the amount of waste in the world. Why is it that everything we eat is packaged in plastic??!
Cautious Claire wants to run into my bedroom and check on Quinn. Cautious Claire would never let him out of her sight. She would sacrifice her career, her sanity and her marriage to ensure that Quinn survives all the possible situations that Worried Wilma thinks up every day.
Rational Rachel loooooves to get into arguments with Cautious Claire and Worried Wilma.
When Worried Wilma finds a possible way that Quinn might die and then Cautious Claire wants to jump in and check on him, Rational Rachel steps in. “There’s no need,” says Rational Rachel. “That’s INSANE. Why are you so insane??”
Then the three of them battle it out for ten or so minutes while my blood pressure slowly rises and I wonder how anyone in the world manages stay chill with a son or a daughter in the world.
Remember Claudia from the Babysitter’s Club? Claudia with her dangly earrings, art supplies and hidden junk food?
That’s Crazy Claudia. She doesn’t really hang out with the rest of the gang. She’s busy doing her own thing.
She loooooves to zone out dreaming up new projects or get rich quick schemes or new ways to market or make my existing ventures better. She is the dreamer inside of me. She’s constantly adding items to my to do list even though Rational Rachel likes to scream at her, “Claudia, stop it, we are still working on items from THREE YEARS AGO.”
In Short, I’m Exhausted.
Why won’t these bitches leave me alone??