In my mind I see myself with guys falling all over me. In reality it seems that guys are falling all over themselves to get away from me!

Tonight was the D.A.R.E. skate party.  Roller skating that is.  The night started off well enough, but don’t they all?  The first hour and a half was lots of fun.  The last hour was hell.

Suddenly I felt as though I’ll never fit into the little circle that Natalie, Windy, Emily and Jordan sorta formed.  With David S. and Mike P.  Now I may know who they are (only because of Emily, Windy and Natalie) but they have no idea who the hell I am.  So I always feel just a teeny bit left out.  I guess it was the fact that I didn’t make the squad and that that started my depression.  With my manlessness (new word!) mixed in. So I was depressed all the rest of the night.

I just told myself not to cry.  But a few tears did happen to fall even through Natalie’s, Windy’s and Emily’s jokes.  It was during those jokes that I realized that even though I do feel left out, they really do care.  I just want friends who don’t insult you all the time.  I mean a lot of the time it’s okay, even hilarious.  Like the brainless jokes and such.  But you know, when I say that I look bad, I don’t want them to say, “Yeah, you’re right.” I want them to give the tips to help me look better, help me lift my self confidence.  I mean it’s already down there.  I have confidence in myself.  But lately I’ve just felt ugly.  I mean, what is it that just makes guys not like me and like others?!!!  I can change, and I will.  The only reason I ask so hyper and crazy is I’m trying to make up for the time in grade school when I was a “geek” and kept to myself all the time.

It’s always been my “goal” to be what you would call popular.  But you have to love yourself before you can let yourself be loved.  And I do love myself, I just wish I could love my looks.  It’s once in a million years that I get a compliment from my friends.  Even if it’s “your hair looks funky today, Jen” I just wish they’d comment.  Why can’t I find my Wes?  I bought a sticky frog at the roller rink tonight and I wish that if I hope long enough and kiss it long enough, it will turn into a prince.  In my mind I see myself with guys falling all over me.  In reality it seems that guys are falling all over themselves to get away from me!  I guess I just don’t feel loved.  

What is it that guys don’t like about me? I swear if someone knows, I pray they’ll tell me!  I won’t take offense, I swear!  Well, maybe that’s a lie but at least then I could try to improve myself.  Now I’m on the last page of my diary again.  Time goes too fast.  Or too slow.  It’s always just one or another.  It’s never perfect.  Now it seems that it’s going too slow I want to speed up to the part of my life where guys like me.  Then I’ll press rewind and play it all over again.  And over again.  And over again.  Why can’t it be that way now?  I want it now!  Not later!  NOW!  I can just dream and hope soon I’ll be playing that part of my life.  Then I’ll press rewind and watch my happiness again…

A somber end to a whirl-wind Volume, don’t you think?

"Manlessness" is a great new word, don't you think?

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