well,
do you?
I haven't had a good hair day in weeks.
I’m sporting my new “I haven’t showered in awhile” haircut. And my eyes are like perpetually half open.
This roller coaster ride is going full speed baby, and I puked all over the person next to me half an hour ago.
but it's okay cause Alex picked up some curl creme at Walgreens today.
I left my wallet at Beckett’s the other night. Three days later, I left my watch at the security check point at the courthouse. I looked into the eyes of that security guard, and I solemnly pledged, as I had to the bar proprietor, “I have learned my lesson.”
Some lessons are so easy.
Some are so hard. Like keeping the toothpaste on the toothbrush. You have to keep the toothbrush vertical. I can’t seem to get that down. Today not only did I lose my first blob of toothpaste but the second glob fell out of my mouth into the bathroom sink!
Research is key, kids. Research is key.
Life==research? if so, then necessarily true?
I thought the Matrix was a good movie. I liked the idea of us living in a virtual reality. I’ve thought for awhile that if only I’d go into retirement homes–posh–that’d be the ticket. You know the key there is virtual reality. And drugs.*
And why, oh why, do we capitalize the word Internet? It’s like some freaky foreshadowing of this future where we live in a digital world.
right, okay, it’s been a long day.
*looking for investors!!
today
I took a picture of my Columbine plant. The Columbine is the Colorado State Flower. I bought a set of six back in…way early Spring 2006 at one of my favorite places in the world… that one plant store on my favorite street in the world… or not quite there. Anyway, if you care, we’ll go there and we’ll have a marvelous time. I particularly enjoy their succulent selection. FYI, they’re closed on Sundays.
The Columbine plant blooms between February and March. I was looking forward to it. I’d never seen a Columbine bloom, and I wasn’t about to look it up at Wikipedia when I was about to experience it in the real world. So I waited. The Columbine is rather a fickle plant. It would seemingly despair during the extended periods of neglect the year held, but it would come back with a vengence with a healthy watering. I grew to respect it. To love it.
Only one of the six has survived. (Maybe one and a half. That other one could totally come back.)
According to a reputable source, Columbine blooms come in a lovely variety of colors.
Mine is white, it turns out. I have to say, it has the most satisfyingly detailed and delicate white little petals. And big petals. So exciting!
I’m in love.
I have a new office. It’s in C.Z.:
It’s a pretty nice office. I have more light than ever. Glare on the computer screen even. It’s totally annoying.
This is the mural I stare at, if, for some strange reason, I’m not looking at my computer screen. (Which I always am. For frighteningly long periods of the day. Satisfyingly long periods of the day, granted, but frighteningly. I close my eyes and I see Tetris. Wait. That was 1998.)
The mural reads, “There is no realistic optimism.” And the buddies there are bleeding out of their eyes! Bleeding out of their eyes!! Thank god we saved those murals, CZ. They’re certainly good for employee morale!
Tomorrow, I have jury duty. I heard J. Lo was hella pleasant when it was her turn. But she spent the majority of her time TMing her friends. I totes have a role model, yo. I hope they have wireless.
hmmm….
the couple just asked what it is that I’m looking for…
…
…another day in the week?
the shocking truth
but it’s true.
My cat won’t come to bed with me because I obviously prefer my computer.
I gather up multiple electronic devices as I make my way to my room for bed.
Sad?!
Funny.
(I had been afraid to fall in love for fear of certain heartbreak.)
These are two people.
(a Libra and a Sag)
and they have this life together…
…and now they want a third?
I’ll see them again. They were attractive. Interesting. Genuine.
There’s no room for me though, really.
Thank goodness.
faq
Hey Susie, how is online dating going?
um…okay. Looking up at the moment.
Did you ever go on a date with that guy who said you were “100% adorable” or whatever?
ooh, I told you about that? Yeah, no. Well, he never wrote back and a couple days later turned his profile off.
What about that other guy who was obsessed with that long ass Pynchon novel…what’s the name?
Gravity’s Rainbow. Yeah, he turned his profile off too.
Hmm….
But I’m not taking any of this personally. I’m just happy that they found love.
So…um…have you gone on any dates? I heard your sister went on a date the other day. And she’s not even on an online dating site.
Yeah okay. Well. Not yet. But I have my first date tomorrow night.
Oooooo, who’s the lucky guy?!
Well…it’s more than just a guy. It’s a guy and a girl. With an open relationship. It could work. I’m polyamorous.
And the best part about this date is that they think my name is Susie! Cause I sign my emails Susie. I know I’m not fooling any of you, but I am fooling them. Hee. Hilarity.
So, what’s the best thing about online dating?
Getting to flirt with people from the comfort of my own laptop!! wink. Wink. And drunk. With no possible repurcussions except for a wink or a message back. And we all like those.
Why did you choose nerve.com for your online dating needs?
Julia suggested it. I’ve since tried lavalife cause I found the nerve.com pickings slim, and I liked their ads. But it’s a little too fast-paced for me. Like level 12 of Tetris–you have to work up to that!
Would you recommend nerve.com to me?
Um… right.
the "thin air approach"
sales were okay.
but only okay.
I’d had grand dreams for the weekend. Last year this show was rained out, and I was so sure that everyone would use their beautiful Saturday at the Concord Home and Garden Show at the Sleeptrain* Pavilion. Even though it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Everyone was at Home Depot buying plants for their garden, said the Touch of Orange lady. According to the natural material outlet plates guy they all had soccer games and Little League or whatever. Everyone’s so full of excuses.
My energy level was low, and the crowds were just not there. Both Friday and Saturday I did about as well as last year. Okay. But not great.
When you make $6 a set, you gotta sell a lot of sponges to rake it in. We have a trip to Paris to pay for. I was anxious as I left the show Saturday and I cursed the poor marketing–if you could even call it that!–of stupid Sleeptrain Pavilion.
Then the Universe delivered what I became sure was the secret to a successful Home Show:
The “Thin Air Approach”(TAA)
as recommended by Sharon, Silk Blanket Sales Rep, former pitchwoman
When the crowd is sparse–or whenever you don’t have an audience–do your demo anyway. Pretend like someone you know is right in front of you and you’re talking to them. Keep doing it. People will see what you’re doing, and they’ll come over to check it out. You won’t believe the wads you can pull in!!
“But.. I have dignity!” I proclaimed. But then I remembered… I sell sponges.
“So…10:01 tomorrow, I just start demoing?!!” Yes. “No matter if no one’s around at all?!” Yes.
I let it sink in. I asked Claire and Alex. Claire said that she’d come over to see what the crazy woman was talking about. That was pretty convincing. I consider Claire to be an excellent representative of America.
So I did. I swallowed my hangover. And my headache. But not till 11:01. After another pep talk from Sharon.
I started. “Feel the Super Sponge, I’ll show you how it works.”
No one budged. They kinda looked at me, but that was it.
“Do you ever notice that nasty odors these things get?” pause. “They’re a haven for germs and bacteria. The Super Sponge never gets a nasty odor and it’s because it dries rock hard….” and on and on and on… I’d get to the end of the carpet part, and I’d begin again.
For awhile I imagined Alex there. But not too realistically, or it would have made me laugh. After a minute I realized that I was staring right into the eyes of a brushed metal bust of a horse. It was kinda pretty I guess.
So I demoed to the horse. I pictured the horse’s look of disgust when visualizing all the germs and bacteria in his sponge at home. I asked him if accidents like that ever happened at his house. They do. But he lives in a barn. He doesn’t really mind.
I wondered if I was dreaming. The horse said no.
People were confused. They stared. I looked them in the eye, then back to the horse.
As one couple purchased their sponges, the husband remarked, “I thought you were a robot.”
A dude walking by asked his companion, “Is she for real?”
Some didn’t know how to react. They’d turn around nervously, wondering if I was trying to sucker them in. I’d glance in their eyes, and then around, both letting them know I was watching and letting them off the hook.
I was detached. It was nice. Most of the time I’m demoing, I do feel like a robot. Get up all the enthusiasm you can muster, Susie. Smile big. Laugh loudly about how it’s soooooo gross to pour that soda back in the glass and give it to the kids. …just get their money.
It worked for awhile. I sold some sponges. A couple of mops. Then it got busy, and I didn’t have to employ my new found secret for awhile.
After the two o’clock rush died down, though, my energy was down. Kombucha hadn’t worked. Neither had Emergen-C. Two of em, even.
I broke out the coffee. But never managed to feel energetic enough to break out the TAA. So much talking!! And my shoulder aches so bad. You have no idea.
A long story shorter: I got some of their money. I had one great turn where I couldn’t get the sets packed or take their credit cards fast enough. I must have turned over eight sets of sponges and four mops right then. What a feeling!! These are the glory days.
The horse sold for 300 big ones to a nice lady in a sun hat and a big bag that I knew contained a set of Super Sponges.
You know, there’s no way know how effective the TAA was. But I tell you. Way to give my weekend a twist. And me something to do. For this, the hopefully last day of 2007 that I will ever sell Super Sponges. Direct. At a fair or home show. I hope.
*JR: “honk, honk!”
