WTF?? A Pop Up Greeting Cards Collectors’ Club?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

My mom got my dad one of those pop up greeting cards for his birthday today.

Now you remember these cards right?  They’re thick and square, and you open them up and a whole world pops up.  It’s like a pop up children’s book only it’s a greeting card.  Obviously.

The one my mom got for my dad featured a 3-dimensional grill and the title “Happy Birthday Grillmaster”.  My dad was reasonably impressed which is a pretty good reaction from my dad.

The card came with an awesome ad for their Collectors’ Club.

I remember being very enamored with these cards as a kid and I’m sure I wasn’t alone.  But would I really want to collect them all?

Up With Paper (really? you named your company that??) certainly thinks I would.  They offer a monthly club where for only $22.00 a month plus $4.00 shipping and handling a month — wait…what does that make it…um…hold on a second…okay got it — so for only $26 a month — I can be delivered four (4!!!) different pop-up greeting cards each month!

Oh my god.  My life is complete!

But wait, there’s more.

Card designs range from traditional to funky, including all types of art, characters and s ending occasions.

Oh thank goodness, finally there is a way for me to celebrate all of those “s ending occasions”! Of which I can’t think of a single one.*

And finally I can fill those shelves that have been sitting vacant and gathering dust waiting for the collection of a lifetime.

For those of you who would like to join this club and are offended by my heavily sarcastic tone, I’m sure you can do so at the Up With Paper website. Oh no, I just checked their website and you can’t. It seems that this idea only warranted a paper ad. Well, that’s the first good judgment I’ve noticed from them.

*Omg. I was just rereading this post for the THIRD time before publishing it and I realized that’s a typo. It’s supposed to be “sending occasions.” Now who’s the fool? Me for taking so long to realize that? Or them for having such a perplexing typo and club to begin with? I need your help. Weigh in in the comments.

On Laundry Day

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Our neighbor Lois is a hilarious elderly lady.  She loves our cat Shawn and is always letting us know what’s going on with him and his outdoor exploits.  She goes to conventions every year filled with people who also share the name Lois.  Who does that?  Lois does!

The other day Will was managing the laundry situation (a big job!) and Lois was monitoring his activity.  I don’t blame her; life is pretty boring.  She’s also known to monitor and report in detail on the status of our trash bins…whether they’re full or empty, picked up or not.

Anyway, Will says to her, “Almost done!”

“Ah!  Very good.  Almost done.” Lois seems satisfied with this answer.

A philosophical wind blew through Will.  “But…is laundry ever done??”

Lois cackled.  “Ha!  That’s true.  Laundry’s never done.”

Will headed up our back stairs to our apartment.

About a minute later, Lois added, “…until you’re gone..”

I’m so confused. I really like Andrew C. Last year he liked me. Does he still? I hope he does.

Originally Written on October 11, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m so confused.  I really like Andrew C.  Last year he liked me.  Does he still?  I hope he does.  Ana is such a BITCH!  I hate her more than words can express.  I wish she would curl up and die.  I swear I do.  I would not be sad in the lesat bit if she died.  Except maybe cause I didn’t have the chance to kill her!

Erica G. said that she heard two people that she didn’t know very well talking about my liking Andy.  This was in the beg. of the school year.  I wonder who? Erica knows most of my friends, so…

Alexis said that my liking Andy was “old news.” What is that supposed to mean?  Really! She shouldn’t talk, though.  She likes Steve M. You know that already, huh? Oh, well.  Nicole H. is going out with Tyson B., who is the most popular guy at PMS.  I see them before lunch, Frenching! Today I learned (From Ana who wasn’t supposed to tell) that she likes Kevin Spinner!  After the boyfriend she has Kevin (Geek alert!) would be a major dissapointment.

Emily gave me her monkey stuffed animal.  That was nice of her!  She’s been a real friend lately.

Good Story, Jeopardy Contestant

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The other day there was a giant dog in a car parked in front of our apartment building.  Such a beautiful dog left alone in a car for seemingly hours!

We stood around discussing who would do something like that when our neighbor Lois approached the car.  The dog exploded into the fiercest of barks!

Not such a nice dog after all!!

A few minutes later, Shawn the cat jumped on that very car.

Oh no!!  What would happen when the two saw each other??

Would they perhaps tear each other to pieces?  Would this be the end of our great friend Shawn???

Nah…

It was weird ‘cause I could feel his breath against my neck. I find myself wondering, if that’s what’s having a boyfriend is like.

Originally Written on October 8, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today in French I went over to talk to Emily as I always do. Michael H. tells me to go back to my seat sort of teasingly. A little while later he came over while Emily and Alexis were at my desk. Michael came over and sorta leaned over from behind my desk. It was weird ‘cause I could feel his breath against my neck. I find myself wondering, if that’s what’s having a boyfriend is like. Having someone near you of the opposite sex. While he was there I got this…feeling, a feeling like this is right. A feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Alexis says that diarys are too private to be shared. She never even let her best friend read it! Hers must be really private.

Today after school I wanted to find out who Alexis likes, so I went to talk to Mike H. After today, I don’t know why I did, but…He was with the clique, as usual. I bravadoly asked him what period Math he had. Anyway, by talking to Amy I found out Alexis likes Steve Munroe. A show of bravado, since I hate talking with people in in the cliche. Sepretely they’re ok, but together I can’t deal with. What a day.

Alexis spends all block with Billy, her “friend.” I know they like eachother. She describes Billy as “a better friend than Jennifer.” It feels weird to have her always talking with him and his friends. They’re all geeky! It feels like I’m losing a not-very-good friend.

I still like Andy. He’s so strange around me, though. The second me and Ana get there he leaves our table. It’s weird. So weird. He’s going out with Alyssia.

Today I brought my Gap Babie bear to school (it was stuffed animal day) who I named Mr. Bad Haircut after Andrew C. Ana kept telling people that he as named after Andrew C. I hate her guts! She is such a BITCH!!!

I could kill her.  And me and Emily are planning revenge!  I cannot express how angry I am.  Lucky thing I told her I was just kidding about liking Andrew C.  I will never forgive Ana, for everything she’s done.

Best Copy Ever

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Weeks ago I mentioned how much I love the selection of office supplies over at Poppin.com and about how I was going to buy myself a new tape dispenser.  Well, I finally broke down and decided to get one today, and as I was perusing their other products to make sure I didn’t miss anything awesome, I stumbled on this fantastic copy.

Black Retro Ballpoint Pens

Perfect for writing on paper at your desk.

What more is there to say?

Get yours here.

Playing Cultural Catch Up: Angry Birds

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been playing a lot of Angry Birds lately.  I know I’m like three years behind on this, but better late than never right?

Now as I go through my daily life, I picture slinging a bird at whatever it is that’s annoying me.  Did a car pull in front of me too quick?  I’ll use one of the black birds that turns into a bomb on them.  Yeah, that’ll teach ’em!

The other day I was sure that my soap in my soap dish was one of those offensive pigs glaring at me.

You can see the resemblance right???

At first was particularly unimpressed with the plotline.  How could the concept of stolen eggs capture America’s — and the world’s — heart?? Perplexing.

I kept playing.  I don’t now why.  Something inside of me rejoiced every pop of a pig and toppled tower.  Death, vengeance, destruction. Adorable graphics. Somehow the perfect combination.

Last night the boyfriend and I were sitting on a couch when we heard a noise.  It sounded as if something or someone were home with us.  He went off to investigate.  My mind immediately leapt to the worst-case scenario.  It must be an intruder!

I glanced around the room for a weapon.  My eyes fell on a guitar and I visualized smashing it over the intruder’s head.

“That won’t do,” I thought.  “But what would?”

“I know!!” I thought in all seriousness, “A slingshot and a bird!!”

Yes, if only I could sling these birds out of my phone and at intruders. Then the world would be safe.

True story.

I haven’t had my first kiss and Alyssia goes and kisses a friend?!!! I don’t know who to trust.

Originally Written on September 29, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller
I still like Andy.  Maybe.  Ana says Alyssia kissed him on the lips.  I haven’t had my first kiss and Alyssia goes and kisses a friend?!!! I don’t know who to trust.  Emily says Erica told her about my liking Andy.  She says Erica really wanted to tell her.  Is Emily lying?  I have no reason to believe either way.  Emily has been being a real great friend to me.  I don’t know . Who should I trust?  I trusted Erica and look where it got me!  I think I’ll confront her tomorrow.  See ya!  Au revoir!

I’ve liked him for about a week, but last night I made it official. I named a teddy bear after him.

Originally Written on September 29, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I really hate 4th period lunch!  It sucks!  I also hate Tanya.  She acts like a les, always grabbing my hand.  She is also very annoying!  She talks and talks, all the while grabbing my arm, and not letting go.  When I squirm to get out of her grip, she giggles and grabs on again!  Fuck her!  By the time block comes around I feel like killing whoever is around!

When I found this homophobic statement in my diary I was shocked. Then I remembered the reality of college when I first met my wonderful friends who identify as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender. I grew up sheltered in suburbia, and I believe these statements are testament to how easily young people can be led astray just by a lack of exposure to alternative lifestyles.

Last Friday we had the welcome back under the sea dance (dumb name).  I spent the whole time finding Jeff for Emily to dance with.  It was fun, but I felt like crying!  The whole time not single guy asked me to dance!  Why don’t guys like me?  I’m not ugly, I know that.  Ashley B. is totally popular with guys and she’s flat.  Like me.  Is it my freckles?  I wonder.  Yesterday Alexis said James K. like me.  I’ve liked him for about a week, but last night I made it official.  I named a teddy bear after him.

Seriously??? omg.

Alexis and Ana say he’s a jerk.  He’s nice to me.  At Emily’s birthday party on Sunday Erica said Steve W. was a jerk.  I said that he wasn’t and so on.  The thing that bugged me is that he’s not a jerk!  He’s really nice.  Erica just saw the bad side of him.  Steve is really, really nice and I may even like him.  Maybe.  Not right now.

Now I like James and Andrew C.  Andrew liked me last year (says Alyssia) speaking of Alyssia, she’s been coming on to Jeff, which bugs Emily like crazy!  Another thing that pissed me off at Erica also happened at the party.  She said I wasn’t sorry.  I said that maybe she didn’t know me too well.  That pissed her off and I was po’ed ‘cause she’s making judgments.  Alexis and me have a fight daily – It bugs.  Not one day this year have we not had a fight.

See you later.