I collapsed laughing last night over the thought of making a rock hard PVA Chamois* into a clipboard. Mainly it was not so much the clipboard itself that I found so funny, but the thought of handing people their credit card receipt to sign on a clipboard made of dried PVA.

I’d say, “Even rock hard PVA is useful…”

“…and it’ll never get that nasty odour other sponge clipboards do.”

*The PVA Chamois is not to be confused with my competition, the Super Chamois. Super Sponges are made from PVA, so the PVA Chamois, like the PVA Mop, has all the same wonderful properties as the Super Sponge. For instance, all PVA products are durable, absorbant and sanitary.

Is that there’s competition.

Now, I know, what could possibly challenge the Super Sponge? Especially considering its infinite virtues. But it’s out there. And it’s in my building.

It’s called the Super Chamois. And it’s a “Miracle Cloth from Europe”.

I hate that shit.

It’s not bacteria, mildew and mold resistant! It doesn’t clean! All it does is soak shit out of the carpet (like the Super Sponge) and it is admittedly quite useful when it comes to drying sweaters.

Just roll the wet sweater in a damp one and let it sit. Cuts the sweater drying time in half. (Or something like that.)

Yesterday, I spent at least seven minutes extolling the virtues of the Super Sponge Set to a family of four. They were really impressed, but they didn’t want to have to carry it around so they promised to come back later.

They promised! Oh, I’m not naïve. I understand that most promises are empty. And one really does learn to deal with rejection in this business. But betrayal?!

Minutes later they had apparently made it all the way across the building—through a veritable web of sales people, mind you. I unfortunately chose that moment to take a leak, and witnessed the same family of four handing over their hard-earned cash to the damn Chamois Guy.

They bought the Super Chamois! They carried it around for the rest of the day! Didn’t they understand it doesn’t have half the virtues the super sponge does?!

Of course it doesn’t dry rock hard. That’s a good point, actually.

It’s nice how time lends perspective to things. I was pretty upset about this yesterday.

That the fair I’m selling sponges at for the next seventeen days is in my hometown. Yep, back home…my favorite place on earth…Pleasanton, California.

Today’s guest stars:

My friend Scott from high school. He said, “You did [the demo] twice and didn’t change one word!” High praise. He didn’t buy any sponges. He did laugh with me about my fate, though, and such was much appreciated.

My father’s coworkers. They bought sponges, and only later told me who they were. I was wondering how they knew that I had “two degrees from Cal!”

Two girls I vaguely remembered from high school. One was bursting with at least three babies, I’m sure, and the other looked the same, but plumper. Very inspirational, but they didn’t buy any sponges. Bitches.

The worst part, by far, is the men that just hang around waiting to find something to talk to me about. This one guy dilly dallied for at least an hour…divided into three seperate visits. He covered it by pretending to deliberate over a mop. It really is a good mop. He’ll be sorry, but I’ll be sorry, cause he said he was coming back.

After awhile, I forget who my friends are and who I’m still trying to sell sponges too. They’re all this giant blob of faces.

The highlight today:

Everyone always laughs when I say “…coffee, tea, or pee…” as if they can’t believe I actually said the word “pee” on a really mini microphone. (I honestly have no idea how loud I am, but one time today, I confided over the microphone to my new friend–mentioned above as the worst part of today–that “I can’t believe I have to stay here until ten.” Didn’t sell any sponges right then.)

Anyway, this one couple purchased the set of sponges. As they were taking off, the husband turned to the wife and said “I’m going to go home and pee on the carpet now, honey.”

The wife was embarassed, but it made my day and I told them so.

All in all, twelve hours of selling sponges is what you’d expect it to be. I’m just thankful that my arms don’t hurt as much as I thought they would.

And that I sold a bunch of sponges. Really, I did damn well.

I did have trouble getting rid of the one guy that wanted me to wet the rock hard sponge just for him. I tried to explain to him that “then I wouldn’t have a rock hard sponge for future demos”, but he was probably drunk and unable to comprehend what I was actually saying. Either that, or he was just out to get me. When I unadvisedley initially suggested to him that he “feel the Super Sponge”, he grabbed my arm and said “What, this?!”

ha ha.

Another favorite:

Those people who think they are so clever that respond with the phrase “But I already have my kids” whenever I suggest that “the Super Sponge is the only sponge you’ll ever need”. It’s really quite cute. They glance back at me to see if I think it’s clever. I don’t. But I smile at them anyway.

I smile at everybody. That’s one reason why I’m good at it. It’s a curse and a blessing. Such is life.

(I have this open wound on my finger, and keeping my hand in a Diet Pepsi-water bath isn’t helping anything.)

In preparation for my upcoming job selling the super sponge at a county fair, I’ve decided to devote a lot of time and thought to developing various marketing gimics. Audience participation was a good suggestion. And yes, I know, I need a shill, and I am taking volunteers (unpaid).

Most importantly, I have problem with the beginning of my demo. “Come on up and feel the super sponge” just isn’t working for me. And since the point, after all, is to sell as many sponges as I can, I compiled the following list of various hook lines:

• “Feel the super sponge. It will save your life! Or your house from flooding.”
• “Hey ladies. This is what a wet sponge feels like.”
• “Hey folks, step right up and feel the super sponge. It’s the only sponge you’ll ever need!”
• “Hey, Mom and Dad. Do you ever have a mess that needs cleaning up?”
• “Here ladies/folks, feel the super sponge. It’s a different kind of cleaning tool.”
• “Hey guys, how ya doing? Do you have problems with spills?”
• “Come on up and meet the only sponge you’ll ever need!”
• “Hey y’all…this sponge will save your life!”
• “Ever have a mess to clean up?”
• “Behold! the sponge of tomorrow… today!!!”*
• “Is your man messing around behind your back? Maybe you need a better sponge!”*
• catch someone’s eye, hold sponge like football] “Catch! [throw sponge to audience member] With the Super Sponge, you score a touchdown every time!”*
• “Hey ladies! The novelty of this sponge will distract you from the soul-deadening drudgery of your unsatisfying lives for a short time.”*

The winner, however, involves the following routine:

I’m going to sit at my booth with a cup of water. Whenever people walk by, I’m going to accidentally knock the cup over, scream “OH NO!” and say “Phew, thank goodness I have the super sponge!” as it rapidly absorbs the spill. “This sponge acts like a vacuum, quickly and easily absorbing all liquids and oils… Wanna feel?”

*Thanks to Will for these particularly inspirational suggestions

Let’s pick a variable. How about x? I always liked x.

Let x be a human. In fact, let x be a sponge sales representative. Like me, but, perhaps, not just like me.

x has a job coming up. It’s a seventeen day fair. x is in charge of the booth, and has to work every hour the fair is open. From ten a.m. to ten p.m., seven days a week. Except the Fourth of July when x gets off at nine. God Bless America!

Our assignment:
1. How many hours will x have to work?
2. If the sponge selling demonstration lasts approximately three minutes, and x is giving it nine out of every ten minutes x is working (a reasonable supposition, I think), how many times will x deliver the demonstration?

Our solution:
1. (twelve hours per day for sixteen days) + (nine hours per day for one day) = 203 hours.
2. 60 minutes per hour for 203 hours = 12360 minutes
But x is only giving the demo 9 out of every 10 minutes. Therefore, x will be giving the demo for 12360 X (9/10) = 11124 minutes.
Each demo lasts approximately three minutes. Therefore, x will give the demonstration 11124 / 3 = 3708 times.

Resolution:
x feels better. At the very most, x will have to present the virtues of the super sponge 3708 times. And 203 hours is hardly daunting.