I’m excited to report that my request for insults has not gone unanswered!

“Nunya Business” from San Jose, CA, writes:

I met you at a few of the parties. You’re a crazy, soul destroying, manhood leeching, empty capsule of a human being’s capacity to be rational.

Granted, this was not a comment on the blog where I asked for insults, but on the one where I discussed our previous Roommate From Hell’s propensity for peeing on stuff.

So, it might be personal.

Regardless, let’s put it to the test. As I wrote the other day, I propose that all really good insults need to be…

Terrible
Haunting
Insulting
Nefarious
Katabolic

Assuming that this insult was meant for me, we can fairly assess its effectiveness.

Was this terrible? Well, it did make me feel pretty lousy. Except I’m pretty sure it’s from my ex Roommate From Hell, so you have to consider the source. Also, you can’t make an omelet without breaking any eggs. FYI.

Was this haunting? Nah. I’ve already forgotten it.

Insulting? Vaguely. “Empty capsule of a human being’s capacity to be rational.” What does this even mean? I don’t feel very empty. On closer look, I don’t think this makes sense. That makes me laugh. FAIL!

Nefarious? Reading your ex-roommate’s blog and posting insults? Nah. That’s child’s play.

Katabolic? Not at all. Thanks for the fodder for the blog, buddy.
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My coach introduced me to this awesome acronym to help you gage whether your input is worth sharing. Ask yourself, is this sentiment…

Timely
Helpful
Important
Necessary
Kind

When all five of those are satisfied, then you can be sure that you are being the best possible person you can be at that juncture. That’s all well and good and I’m sure good advice.

But I’d like to suggest that we THINK before we insult, as well. When you take the time to be mean, ask yourself, is this feedback…

Terrible
Haunting
Insulting
Nefarious
Katabolic

Only when all five are truly delivered, do you have a scorn worthy of leaving your lips.

I think we can all agree that a jab that is merely insulting but not haunting — a waste of breath! You want that person to remember what you said for all eternity.

Further, any derision that is up to par on nefarious (EVIL for those of you who didn’t do so well on the SATs), but falls down short on katabolic doesn’t do the job when it comes to breaking down your adversary. A truly worthy slander will leave the subject torn up and silent. You don’t want to risk a comeback, after all!

Let’s see how this system works by taking as an example, the offense I delivered to Roommate from Hell the other day…

“I hope your new place is as slovenly as you’d hoped this one would be.”

Was this…

Terrible? I suppose it was a little bit, but I wouldn’t say it was that bad.
Haunting? I’d like to think so, but I bet it wasn’t.
Insulting? Yes, I do think I hit this nail on the head.
Nefarious? Meh. I give me a C+ on nefarious.
Katabolic? FAIL.

Let’s consider as an alternate example, one that an associate thought up…

“Did you move back home with Mommy and Daddy so they could clean up after you?”

If this had been said, would it have been…

Terrible? YES.
Haunting? Oh the truth! Oh the childhood associations!! YES!
Insulting? Oh yes!
Nefarious? Delivered in the right tone, I’d say so!
Katabolic? This might depend on the recipient…if he had a particularly harsh childhood, this one could really, really cut to the core. Worth a try, I’d say.

Yes, I do think this system works. What do you think? Continue Reading

Well, after five long months, I am proud to say that I am finally free of my ROOMMATE FROM HELL (RFH).

And, wonderfully, free from all roommates. I’d like to take this opportunity to kick off a series of horrible roommate stories. Do you have one? Please share them in the comments or send to fanmail@jenniferheller.com.  Bonus points if you have photos to go with!

To kick it off, here’s a good one…

Bright Idea: Let’s Pee on the Toilet Seat

I had just returned to the house to work on moving our final items.  The house, as usual, stank to high heaven of rotted food and cigarettes.  That wasn’t the worst of it…no the worst of it was the pee on the toilet seat. It was caked on there, nice and sticky and yellow.  This guy didn’t drink much water — so much was apparent.

‘Why would anyone pee on their own toilet seat??’ I wondered to myself as I shook my head in disgust.  Thank god I had peed before I left the house.  I had long before decided NOT going to clean up after this idiot any more.

And then he’s back.  Unfortunately.  I recognize that I need to say something, given that I have to return to this apartment that I once loved so much a few more times to get my remaining things.  I approached, reluctantly.

“Hey there. ”  I mustered up my best friendly voice.

The RFH grunted a greeting…if you could call it that.

My blood boiled.  I took a deep breath, and asked him, “Hey, could you refrain from peeing ON the toilet seat?  We still need to use the bathroom…”

“Oh jeez.”

This was all I could take.  “OH JEEZ???”  I wanted to scream, but I kept my voice as calm and still as I could.  “‘OH JEEZ’ is your response to my request for common courtesty?!!”

“Oh come on.  There’s only a few days left.”

Well, he was right about that.  I only had a few days to get in the hundreds of barbs I’d been working on.  I took the opportunity. “I hope your new place is as slovenly as you’d hoped this one would be.”

And turned on my heel and walked away.

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