I need your honest opinion

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I just redesigned this entire site and now I regret it.  I’m daydreaming of a b&w vertical layout with informative sidebars and easier navigation.  Keep in mind, I still haven’t finished redesigning this site; I haven’t gotten to the About page filled with little clouds of adventures…

I’m in dire need of your honest opinion.

Do you hate the new layout? Is the sideways scroll thing too weird?  Does it not look right on your monitor?  It is pretty crazy, I know.

And why aren’t you commenting anymore?? (Except BoAe, Cortney, Elizabeth, Mom and Jordan who are awesome and got accounts for me. xoxoxoxox. Oh and the Livefyre staff.  You guys are awesome).

But the rest of you, what’s up? Is it personal? Do I have a body odor problem? Cause it’s possible that I do on very hot October days but really please don’t hold that against me on the internet.  In person sure, but on the internet??

Here’s a textbox. Tell me the truth. If you hate it, I’ll change it. If it needs to be more user friendly, I’ll change it.  If you’re bored with me, that’s cool, I just need to know.

WTF?? A Pop Up Greeting Cards Collectors’ Club?

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

My mom got my dad one of those pop up greeting cards for his birthday today.

Now you remember these cards right?  They’re thick and square, and you open them up and a whole world pops up.  It’s like a pop up children’s book only it’s a greeting card.  Obviously.

The one my mom got for my dad featured a 3-dimensional grill and the title “Happy Birthday Grillmaster”.  My dad was reasonably impressed which is a pretty good reaction from my dad.

The card came with an awesome ad for their Collectors’ Club.

I remember being very enamored with these cards as a kid and I’m sure I wasn’t alone.  But would I really want to collect them all?

Up With Paper (really? you named your company that??) certainly thinks I would.  They offer a monthly club where for only $22.00 a month plus $4.00 shipping and handling a month — wait…what does that make it…um…hold on a second…okay got it — so for only $26 a month — I can be delivered four (4!!!) different pop-up greeting cards each month!

Oh my god.  My life is complete!

But wait, there’s more.

Card designs range from traditional to funky, including all types of art, characters and s ending occasions.

Oh thank goodness, finally there is a way for me to celebrate all of those “s ending occasions”! Of which I can’t think of a single one.*

And finally I can fill those shelves that have been sitting vacant and gathering dust waiting for the collection of a lifetime.

For those of you who would like to join this club and are offended by my heavily sarcastic tone, I’m sure you can do so at the Up With Paper website. Oh no, I just checked their website and you can’t. It seems that this idea only warranted a paper ad. Well, that’s the first good judgment I’ve noticed from them.

*Omg. I was just rereading this post for the THIRD time before publishing it and I realized that’s a typo. It’s supposed to be “sending occasions.” Now who’s the fool? Me for taking so long to realize that? Or them for having such a perplexing typo and club to begin with? I need your help. Weigh in in the comments.

On Laundry Day

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Our neighbor Lois is a hilarious elderly lady.  She loves our cat Shawn and is always letting us know what’s going on with him and his outdoor exploits.  She goes to conventions every year filled with people who also share the name Lois.  Who does that?  Lois does!

The other day Will was managing the laundry situation (a big job!) and Lois was monitoring his activity.  I don’t blame her; life is pretty boring.  She’s also known to monitor and report in detail on the status of our trash bins…whether they’re full or empty, picked up or not.

Anyway, Will says to her, “Almost done!”

“Ah!  Very good.  Almost done.” Lois seems satisfied with this answer.

A philosophical wind blew through Will.  “But…is laundry ever done??”

Lois cackled.  “Ha!  That’s true.  Laundry’s never done.”

Will headed up our back stairs to our apartment.

About a minute later, Lois added, “…until you’re gone..”

Good Story, Jeopardy Contestant

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

The other day there was a giant dog in a car parked in front of our apartment building.  Such a beautiful dog left alone in a car for seemingly hours!

We stood around discussing who would do something like that when our neighbor Lois approached the car.  The dog exploded into the fiercest of barks!

Not such a nice dog after all!!

A few minutes later, Shawn the cat jumped on that very car.

Oh no!!  What would happen when the two saw each other??

Would they perhaps tear each other to pieces?  Would this be the end of our great friend Shawn???

Nah…

Best Copy Ever

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Weeks ago I mentioned how much I love the selection of office supplies over at Poppin.com and about how I was going to buy myself a new tape dispenser.  Well, I finally broke down and decided to get one today, and as I was perusing their other products to make sure I didn’t miss anything awesome, I stumbled on this fantastic copy.

Black Retro Ballpoint Pens

Perfect for writing on paper at your desk.

What more is there to say?

Get yours here.

Playing Cultural Catch Up: Angry Birds

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been playing a lot of Angry Birds lately.  I know I’m like three years behind on this, but better late than never right?

Now as I go through my daily life, I picture slinging a bird at whatever it is that’s annoying me.  Did a car pull in front of me too quick?  I’ll use one of the black birds that turns into a bomb on them.  Yeah, that’ll teach ’em!

The other day I was sure that my soap in my soap dish was one of those offensive pigs glaring at me.

You can see the resemblance right???

At first was particularly unimpressed with the plotline.  How could the concept of stolen eggs capture America’s — and the world’s — heart?? Perplexing.

I kept playing.  I don’t now why.  Something inside of me rejoiced every pop of a pig and toppled tower.  Death, vengeance, destruction. Adorable graphics. Somehow the perfect combination.

Last night the boyfriend and I were sitting on a couch when we heard a noise.  It sounded as if something or someone were home with us.  He went off to investigate.  My mind immediately leapt to the worst-case scenario.  It must be an intruder!

I glanced around the room for a weapon.  My eyes fell on a guitar and I visualized smashing it over the intruder’s head.

“That won’t do,” I thought.  “But what would?”

“I know!!” I thought in all seriousness, “A slingshot and a bird!!”

Yes, if only I could sling these birds out of my phone and at intruders. Then the world would be safe.

True story.

I’ve been coveting an ipad.

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Really, really coveting.

You see, even my cat loves electronics. The proof is in the photo.

iPads are good for cats*. They can play that one game with the fish in the pond and never actually catch a fish. Eleven is too old to have that hurt his self esteem, right? It would only give him hours and hours of amusement.

And me too. Also, it’s a justifiable expense. How can I possibly be operating a web business without an iPad to test websites on? For instance, this one looks awesome on an iPad. Or so I think…

Ah the many justifications of life.  Who will win?  The battle of indulgence verses sensibility wages on…

*What do you think of the capitalization here? Does Apple have a protocol for when you start sentences with “iPod”, “iPad” or “iPhone”?? Twenty-first century problems, man. I tell you.

Rest in Peace DealDetectives.com

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

It’s a sad day around here today. I’ve just discovered that dealdetectives.com is no more. At least, it is no more the awesome source for deals it once was and is now just listing coupon codes, a job that so many websites are out there doing already.

Sigh.

But since you’re no more, please, dealdetectives.com, please take off the last awesome deals you listed from the bottom of your site. That Lenovo laptop deal got me so excited, and then broke my heart. No one else needs that kind of pain.

Jennifer Heller Megalomaniac

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I have been searching, searching, searching for the right name for this blog.

Historical Sidenote: From 2005 to 2008(?), this blog was hosted on blogger and called “Ought Never Be Daunted,” a reference to a scene in The Sun Also Rises where Jake is not as drunk as Brett is, but Brett urges Jake in those words that it’s not too late to catch up. How awesome is that?

Since I moved those posts over here and gave up all claim to anonymity, I have been calling this site “Jennifer Heller dot com,” knowing full well how lame it was, but at a loss for anything better.

These past few weeks I’ve been giving this site something of a face-life in my spare time, and I kept hoping to come up with a name for the site that would express its mission: Fun, Friends and Hilarity.

We toyed with “Jennifer Heller Fun Friends Hilarity.” But the glaring lack of punctuation was a non-starter.

And then yesterday, Sue pointed out that I am pretty much a megalomaniac. A megalomaniac!! I loved it! I couldn’t spell it but I loved it.

I looked it up, just in case I didn’t really understand what it meant. Which it turned out I didn’t. Merriam-Webster definies megalomania as:

1: a mania for great or grandiose performance
2: a delusional mental disorder that is marked by feelings of personal omnipotence and grandeur

Number two made me LOL. As did my new header graphic, which I’ll record again here in case it changes in the future:

Are there enough Jens in this graphic? Is it creepy??

So what do you think?  Is “Jennifer Heller Megalomaniac” not the perfect title for someone who spends her spare time betraying the secrets of her youth and planning extravagant birthday parties?  Isn’t any blogger something of a megalomaniac at heart?  Does it make you LOL??  And isn’t it really freaking hard to spell???