When my first child was a baby, I didn’t treasure each moment. It was hard, I was tired, and I knew I was going to (Goddess-willing) do it again.
I remember gazing at him breastfeeding when he must have been seven- or eight-months old and thinking, “I can’t wait to stop breastfeeding you. I’ll treasure it next time.”
(Is that a weird thought? Maybe, but it was a real moment. Breast-feeding was hard with him and I was over it.)
Having been blessed with a second child and going through milestones now — like outgrowing the giraffe pajama for the second time — my brain is oscillating between feeling a sad sort of nostalgia that this period is over and actively trying to convince myself to have another child.
I don’t want another child. I don’t like being pregnant. I am not a huge fan of birth. And babies (and kids) are a lot of work. I always told myself that I would have three children (just in case one’s a dud, you know), but we. don’t. want. one.
End of story.
Except my brain does.
It says things like:
- Sure, birth sucked the first time. And it sucked even worse the second time. But next time, you’ll be good at it! Wouldn’t it be nice to be good at it?
- This child is amazing. Look at this amazing child you created. You should have another. Imagine what they would be like!
- Think of all your friends NOT having babies. The future need thoughtful voters! It’s your responsibility to (try to) raise them.
- Remember that psychic in 2006 who told you that you were going to have three kids? She can’t have been wrong!
- What if it’s another girl? Oh but what if it’s another boy? How cute they would be!
- We have all the stuff already… And we’ve learned so much this time around. The next one will be a piece of cake, surely.
- You should keep the giraffe pajama. Just in case. You never know…
And it says shit like this to me ALL THE TIME. It had me thinking about stabbing holes in condoms the other day.
My brain is insane. I’ve posted before about all the crazy ways the brain changes when you become a parent.
Here I am, a parent over again and stuck in a limbo of both wanting and not wanting another baby.
Let me out!!