or for laying around with an entrancing novel, as I chose to do. Last weeks’ lofty goals slipped out the window and I made little effort to catch them. I trust them to return when ready.
I'm a sucker for color.
I’ve been admiring these flowers for weeks. If anyone knows what type of flower they are, let me know.
Last night, I wished I was there.
It was cloudy today.
Two weeks ago, I may not have even noticed.
Daily Picture
Today is the first day of my Daily Picture. Everyday I will take a photo on my “walk to work”–leave the house, to the PO Box, back home to my office in my living room.
adaptation
I have been dissatisfied with my success so far. I have been working for myself for a glorious seven months, and though I have enjoyed every moment, my dreams are far bigger than my accomplishments thus far.
I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend’s family–a family of established, successful and intelligent individuals. I had plenty to share–I always do. But I realized when talking to them that there’s far more that I want to share–with them, and with the world.
I am my own boss. I have been a very lenient, understanding, and even fun boss. That was my dream–to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. But when I am ultimately dissatisfied with my productivity, it is my boss that is to blame.
Tonight I divided myself into two: a boss and a worker bee. Now I can stop my bitching about not having an intern. I do: myself*. I am my own worker bee. When I find myself online shopping I can remember how annoying it was to see my employees wasting their company time and slap my own wrist. “On your own time!”
I have also added in a walk to work. Even though my office might technically be in my living room, I will walk up 40th, down Howe, over to Piedmont, to my PO Box and back. Tomorrow I will put a time card in my PO Box so that I can clock in when I get there. To sweeten the deal–and because I know myself–I am adding in the enjoyable goal of snapping at least one photo along the way, which I will share here.
I arrived at these goals with the help of my awesome roommate. I asked her what I will do when it is raining. She said, matter-of-factly, “Walk to work in the rain, like I do!” The truth is, I love to walk in the rain.
At first I was disturbed that this structure conflicted with one of my core values of being always carefree. I was carefree when I left my job, and I’m carefree everyday when I do work that I choose to do. Carefree is not my only value. Other relevant values here are progress and adaptation. This is how I choose to adapt so that I can continue to make progress. My goal is to double my productivity.
I sat down on the floor of my roommates room dejectedly. A time card!! A walk all that way to work!! A schedule!
She said, “This will hurt.”
It hurts already. Damn those irritating and inconvenient growing pains.
*My good friend Theo has also volunteered, but it turns out it is illegal to have unpaid interns.
hmph
I had been hoping to do a portrait of Perez Hilton’s dog as a publicity stunt (and cause he’s sooooo cute and I do, in my darkest hearts, love Perez)…
Listless
In lifecoaching yesterday we talked about my need for everything to be completed. This is a need I have been battling since I left my job last May. My head is overun with get rich quick (slow) schemes and creative projects. Yet, it took me six and a half months to get Van Gogh My Pet to a point where I was confident sending it out to friends and family, and promoting it on Facebook. I have yet to get in to Twitter–to my detriment, I’m sure.
When I look at my blog, I see the undone entries. The ones I thought of, and wrote myself a note, but was too busy or indisposed to write right then. I assume that some day I will go back and the inspiration is in the note. Sometimes I look at the note and I haven’t the foggiest idea what it meant. Then I chuckle…Lost inspiration either makes me chuckle or spiral into a listless depression.
I had spent 6 and a half–nay, eight or nine months–planning for and working on Van Gogh My Pet. I spent the last two weeks frantically putting the pieces I had so long thought about together. My friends would say–what is left to do? It looks beautiful! And to me, it looked a wreck. This frantic work has left me with a hole in my life, just as Mad Men had a few weeks earlier when I had finished season three. And I realized that if I hadn’t had to work so frantically, not only would I would have been happier and more relaxed, but I would have been building enthusiasm with fans as it happened. The day two weeks ago I finally got my movie on the internet, I wanted to e-scream, I DID IT!! I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO THIS! DON’T YOU LOVE IT? and I stopped myself. Van Gogh My Pet wasn’t worthy of anyone’s attention. I hadn’t worked hard enough to make it so.
I am beginning to come to terms with letting these works in progress–or wrecks, as I see them–be works in progress in the public eye and letting someone or no one or the world watch as it comes together. I say to myself, I want to be an internet celebrity. I want to share my life with the world. But when it comes to the day to day, I tend to shirk from engagement with the world.
I hope that today, November 16th, 2009, is the day when I can begin to share with the world my internet persona, this blog and jenniferheller.com, Van Gogh My Pet, Tupperware Sisters, and so many dormant others–wrecks though they might be.
