Jane has an article this month on fifteen boys you’ll dump before you’re thirty. I wanted to see how I measure up (in rough chronological order):
1. The Religious Fanatic. Yep, we didn’t last very long. He used to read the Bible while our parents drove us around to the movies or whatever for our dates. Yep, didn’t last very long.
2. My First Love. Well… it had to end sometime.
3. The Brit. Or did he dump me? Better keep the count at three to be sure.
3. Internet Boyfriend. I swear he was gay.
4. Psycho-Romantic-Asshole. God, I’m lucky I got rid of that one. He used to torment me by pretending my giant stuffed turtle Oliver was a verbally abusive Englishman named Thomas. Poor Oliver. Poor me. I was a sucker for the romance though. I almost carved his initials into my torso on his request.
5. First guy I met at a college party. He read me his mediocre poetry on our first and only date.
6. The Third Wheel. We hooked up on ecstacy, and he thought it was love. Love! Ha! As if there were such thing. Sad though; he meant well.
7. The Pisces. Water puts out fire, you know.
8. Ahh…Drunk #1. Replaced with Drunk #2, who broke my heart for the first time.
9. The Musician. He wrote me a lovely song. I don’t really remember why it didn’t work out…oh yeah! He caught me in bed with another woman. Better keep the count at nine then.
9. The Self-Proclaimed Virgin. I left him for the Love of My Life, as I know it (the second, third, fourth, fifth,…, most recent times my heart has been broken).
10. The Southern Pothead. Sigh. Those were the days.
11. Cokehead Rock Star. I never called him back.
12. The Swedish Millionaire*.
13. Karaoke Guy. I never called him back, either.
14. The Australian. Oh, I wish now I had called him back.
The Prognosis: I’m sure to hit the fifteen mark by thirty. I’m normal**!
*This claim is as of yet unsubstantiated.
**According to Jane Magazine.