So far there is only one cuss word in it and hell’s a place not a thing.

Originally Written on June 1, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’ve been busy. I can’t seem to stop writing this book- I think I’ll actually do it this time. I’m going to get it published and everything. I can’t figure out what the title should be though. Today I gave lots of people copies of it so they could edit it. I haven’t made any of the changes yet- but it’s like they’re adopting my story. I might as well say it’s by Jennifer Hellers friends. I know i really need their input and believe I apreciate- but I’m not going to change a lot. I’ll think about what they think and if they think one part sucks I’ll improve it. But I’m not adding anything that isn’t my own words. So far there is only one cuss word in it and hell’s a place not a thing.

Ciao! (Chow!)

It was so NIFTY! That’s our new word! Boy am I tired.

Originally Written on May 26, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was the GATE trip to the tidepools. It was cool but I’m SO tired! We had to be at school at 3:30 AM! I had a wee bit of trouble getting up. We left the school about 5 to 4 and arrived in Half Moon Bay about 5 or so. I was in the same group as Ana. We went out to the kelp covered rocks and slipped and slided around looking for marine life. My feet were so cold…I swear I was afraid of frost bite. By the end of the tidepooling part of the field trip I was up to my knees in water. The bottom half of my legs was numb. Swear it took hours afterwards to get the feeling back into them. A group of us me, Ana, Natalie, Katie, Pat S., and Chris B. built a total nifty sand castle. It was so NIFTY! That’s our new word! Boy am I tired. I can hardly believe it was this morning that we left. It feels like days ago.

You will never believe what I’m doing. I’m on chapter 4 but I think I need to lengthen the chapters. It started out being a

I keep hoping that some new guy will come tomorrow and I’ll immediately love him and he’ll immediately love me- time won’t exist only our love will exist.

Originally Written on May 23, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Whenever I start a new diary (even though it’s only my 3rd one) I feel as though time passes too quickly. Well I feel that way now.

Everyone at school is making a big deal about how there’s only 17 ½ days of school left. I don’t want school to end. When it ends it means another year has passed. Summer comes and I never see anyone anymore. I’m hoping this summer will be different. Christy lives close (L.) so I am hoping I will be seeing a lot of her. Becky and I only had one real summer together- the summer between the 5th and 6th grade. Becky and I were inseperable.

I wish my friends lived closer. I have a feeling the public buses are going to get a lot of use this summer! Soon we’ll be getting our yearbooks and then the memories of last year will come rushing back like the cascade of a giant waterfall.

Seriously, the acronym for my middle school was “P.M.S.”

I’ve had two pretty good years at PMS. I dont want this school year to end partly because at the beginning of the school year I promised myself I’d go out with someone by the end of the year. Sure, everyone says they’ll set me up w/ someone but it never happens and I don’t want to be set up with someone. I want him to ask me out, not someone saying, “oh, by the way you’re going out with so and so.”

Although I would not mind that maybe even like that part of me doesn’t want it to happen that way while another part screams, “Go for it!” “Let them set you up!” I wish I could find someone to like. Anyone-I keep hoping that some new guy will come tomorrow and I’ll immediately love him and he’ll immediately love me- time won’t exist only our love will exist. We’ll spend all summer together-no barriers are strong enough to keep us apart. Well I am dreaming but I think thats the only way it’ll happen. Oh well life goes on. I think I’ll just keep daydreaming…

Our two hearts are entwined in love (now I guess we’re older) Nothing can stop us now. Except the move. The parental units are making us move to Switzerland. I beg, I plea- they’re mind is made up! It seems to be our destiny to live a long distance love. No more nightly walks or goodnight kisses. Deep into Misery The moving van takes off with our car right behind it. There I sit until I realize that there is no way I can leave him behind. I jump out of the speeding car (I’ve always wanted to do that) and run into his arms-safe, protected.

(I want to be a writer) Continue Reading

Goodbye Volume Two…Hello Volume Three!

Posted on by Jennifer Heller

On November 11th, 1993, 12-year-old me finished my first diary.  

Remember Volume One with its flowery cover and fears of middle school? How quickly 12-year-old Jen learned to swear and how sincerely she envied her friends’ boobs and periods?

About six months after starting Volume Two, 12-year-old Jen ran out of pages. Volume Two had been a riveting volume of seventh grade crushes, imaginary boyfriends, school dances, and dreams of Olympic stardom.

The vibrant paisely was not long for her world. No, it was to be replaced with Volume Three, a small book with a paper cover adorned with a cat looking pensively to the sky, asking… “Will 12-year-old Jen get a boyfriend? How about her period? Or those boobs she needs so desperately??”

Indeed we are all wondering what will be in store for 12-year-old Jen in these upcoming pages. What successes and heartbreak will these pages hold? Olympic stardom, perhaps??

Let’s find out, shall we? Continue Reading

In my mind I see myself with guys falling all over me. In reality it seems that guys are falling all over themselves to get away from me!

Originally Written on May 19, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Tonight was the D.A.R.E. skate party.  Roller skating that is.  The night started off well enough, but don’t they all?  The first hour and a half was lots of fun.  The last hour was hell.

Suddenly I felt as though I’ll never fit into the little circle that Natalie, Windy, Emily and Jordan sorta formed.  With David S. and Mike P.  Now I may know who they are (only because of Emily, Windy and Natalie) but they have no idea who the hell I am.  So I always feel just a teeny bit left out.  I guess it was the fact that I didn’t make the squad and that that started my depression.  With my manlessness (new word!) mixed in. So I was depressed all the rest of the night.

I just told myself not to cry.  But a few tears did happen to fall even through Natalie’s, Windy’s and Emily’s jokes.  It was during those jokes that I realized that even though I do feel left out, they really do care.  I just want friends who don’t insult you all the time.  I mean a lot of the time it’s okay, even hilarious.  Like the brainless jokes and such.  But you know, when I say that I look bad, I don’t want them to say, “Yeah, you’re right.” I want them to give the tips to help me look better, help me lift my self confidence.  I mean it’s already down there.  I have confidence in myself.  But lately I’ve just felt ugly.  I mean, what is it that just makes guys not like me and like others?!!!  I can change, and I will.  The only reason I ask so hyper and crazy is I’m trying to make up for the time in grade school when I was a “geek” and kept to myself all the time.

It’s always been my “goal” to be what you would call popular.  But you have to love yourself before you can let yourself be loved.  And I do love myself, I just wish I could love my looks.  It’s once in a million years that I get a compliment from my friends.  Even if it’s “your hair looks funky today, Jen” I just wish they’d comment.  Why can’t I find my Wes?  I bought a sticky frog at the roller rink tonight and I wish that if I hope long enough and kiss it long enough, it will turn into a prince.  In my mind I see myself with guys falling all over me.  In reality it seems that guys are falling all over themselves to get away from me!  I guess I just don’t feel loved.   Continue Reading

During the break between 7th and 8th period Ana greeted Natalie with “Hi bitch!”!!!!!!! Ana is an insensitive bitch!

Originally Written on May 18, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Well, I didn’t make it.  Oh well, life goes on.  It’s not like I care or anything.  Well actually that’s a wee little lie.  I care a bit, but it’s not like I’m going to cry all night or anything!  Nobody from our “group” made it except Kristin K!  I’m so, happy for her!  And Beck R.  But some people deserved it more than others.  I’m one of them.

At lunch Ana + Natalie had a major fight.  I’m not going into detail — that would take forever.  Let’s just say I’m on Natalie’s side.  During the break between 7th and 8th period Ana greeted Natalie with “Hi bitch!”!!!!!!!  Ana is an insensitive bitch!  Natalie was crying in PE (8°)!  Ana just called and I got her like, ottally mad at me!  I’m happy.  She called and since it was after 9:30 I told her she can’t call me after then!  Then Dad told me I couldn’t get calls after 9:30!  Ha Ha Ana the fat, ugly bitch!  You know there was a car that ttried to swerve around Ana and it ran out of gas!  There was another that hit Ana and the car got a big old dent!

Chow! Continue Reading

Oh, well! Life goes on! I still hope I make it! Chow!

Originally Written on May 17, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was the tryouts. I would have written last night but I had to get some sleep for the tryouts. Last night I wasn’t sure if I wanted this or not, but I decided I want it today. We were supposed to find out who made the squad today but we ran out of time and I’ll hear tomorrow on the daily announcements. Imagine that, I’ll hear tomorrow on the daily announcements. Imagine that, I’ll hear whether I made it or not with the rest of the school! That’ll be hell. Do you know how many people are going to start crying in advisement? At least half of the people that tried out! I totally messed up at the end of the cheer! But that’s okay. I was looking at my posture in the mirror and I realize there’s no way I’ll make it. My fists are completely rolled out! I don’t really mind, though! what pissed me off was that since they were running very low on time me + Christy had to try out w/ another girl. We were supposed to try out just the two of us! The girl, Jessica?, totally messed up and started to cry! They let her try again. For some reason I want to make the squad now, but unless everyone else was REALLY bad I have like, no chance! Oh, well! LIfe goes on! I still hope I make it! Chow!

(There was a Big change in my handwriting there! Jeeeeeez!

(as if I care!) Continue Reading

I’ll try out for cheerleading but I will make it only when people can land on Pluto!

Originally Written on May 11, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was a very eventfull day. In P.E. I raised my volleyball grade to an A-! Be proud of me! In Band Mr. A asked the flutes which one of us wanted to play percussion on Canto. I always raise my hand ‘ cause I’m never picked. Today he picked me! And Ana. He had Ana play the wood block + triangle and “let” me play the gong! That is the loudest instrument in the entire band! Everytime I made a mistake, the whole band heard! I swear I was still trembling in Pre Algebra. It didn’t help that we had to play the last 3 measures many times before I got close to the right time to gong the gone! I was so nervous! And we’re going to play Canto for the concert! How will I survive?

At lunch I decided to stay after school for cheerleading training. I guess you could call it. So we got started. I’ll try out for cheerleading but I will make it only when people can land on Pluto! I don’t care. I’m only trying out for fun. I just hope i don’t get serious about it. Tryouts are on Tues and until then we have to go to training everyday after school. I’ve been practicing what we learned today all night! I’m sooo hot + sweaty. But, I have it down pretty well and I can’t wait for training tomorrow! I’m getting pretty good at it too kinda. While I learned it, I didn’t understand any of it! But now I do! I kinda want to make the squad but since the cost of the uniform is up in the hundreds, I couldn’t accept the position!

Catcha Later!

I just danced – smiling on the outside and crying on the inside!

Originally Written on May 6, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

God I hate my life. God I miss Wes! God I wish I had met Wes! God I wish there was a Wes! (See a pattern forming here?) I could go on like this for hours but I won’t. Anyway, you get the picture. The dance was hell and I wish I could cry. I really do. But when I like someone or have a reason to cry I will. One of the two times I danced was w/ Jeff! I’m not upset about dancing with him! But I am depressed because it was to “ I Swear.” I know it shouln’t matter but that’s my song! I didn’t exactly want to dance w/ him on my favorite song. I didn’t want to dance w/ him at all! But I did and it doesn’t matter. After we danced he kept talking to me! I know we’re supposed to be friends but how can we be friends when he flirts w/ me? I know he likes me, no matter how he denies it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable! I could feel his eyes on me as a I danced in the fast dances. The he set me up w/ Dylan B! I really didn’t mind.

I tried to have fun, I really did. I just couldn’t. I danced and everything usual happened. I just danced – smiling on the outside and crying on the inside! Continue Reading