Well since then I must have lost three more pairs of jeans — skinny or otherwise — to holes in the crotch or butt. They’ve been accumulating in a pile waiting to be taken to the tailor so that I might get them repaired and wear them again.
I’m fairly slow at accomplishing that sort of non-essential life task. Thankfully in the interim I discovered the solution: wear bike shorts underneath!
No matter how you look at it, I’m saving money. I’m not buying new jeans, and I’m not paying a tailor. And, you know, the number of people inspecting my crotch for holes is probably pretty small, so I figure I’m fooling the majority of the people. It’s cool, you can use this insight. Just give me credit.
Someone who likes getting up early. (And also one that wasn’t such an OCD crazy person when it comes to living with people. That one sucks. But it must be noted, also keeps a very tidy and wonderful house )
This morning I intended to get up at the same time as my boyfriend (6 a.m.!). I’ve always wished that I enjoyed the mornings…but I don’t. I’ve toyed with the idea that in 2012 I will get up at 6 a.m. every day.
Get up, do some yoga, read a book and head to work by 8am. If I were to get up at 6 every morning, then t hose 7 a.m. meetings I might have won’t be such a horrible shock to the system.
But 6 a.m.! It’s still dark! You can’t even tell what the weather is going to be like. Today I looked out at 6 a.m. when I was up making my boyfriend a heart-shaped egg in a pan I got him for Christmas, and I wondered, will it rain? Will it be sunny? Will it be cold or temperate? I don’t even know!!
How is a person supposed to get dressed with such a scarcity of information?! How is one supposed to enjoy the mornings when there’s no sunshine and that bed is so damn warm and a cat so fluffy to cuddle??
Somehow we managed to write the best Craigslist ad ever. Or maybe it’s just the time of year. Joey says that people move a lot in November because of Mercury being in retrograde or something.
Regardless, we have had an overwhelming response to our ad. I’ve filled the available room twice and never had this experience. Every other time there was a clear winner — the lesser of the evils. This time, I love everyone. I want to live with everyone. They are all so intriguing and so chill.
I carved a fantastic cocktail glass (GLOAT!) in a pumpkin the day before Halloween. That was a Sunday. I put it on a shelf in my kitchen, and could not wait to display it at our Lushes in Love Cocktail Lounge Salon that coming Friday. Could not wait.
Friday came. My house guest and great friend Jen E. called me while I was out running errands. “The pumpkin is rotted!” she proclaimed. “And there are flies everywhere!!”
“But it’s for tonight!! OH NO!” I was perplexed. I hate flies, but I loved my pumpkin.
“It has to go outside.” She was not going to budge. I growled into the phone for a little bit and then finally agreed.
Thank god I did. It’s five days later and we’re still battling the flies everywhere.
Tonight before ice skating I looked in my underwear and it was full of pus. Later I told Emily. She said that I will probably discontinue our friendship because I’m more advanced. I can really sympathize with her. She was really upset.
When I told Mom about it (just now) she showed me where her pantyliners are and asked me questions, like “is it red?” No, it was clear. gross, huh? She said “sometimes the vagina gives discharge for no reason. By the time I got out of there I was sweating gallons.
Onto a different subject… All today people were talking about how some guy liked me with the last name that began with “M”. I could win an emmy for that acting job since Emily told me after band that it was Jeff M. I had to pretend through to the end of lunch til I guessed it. Jeff knew that some guy liked me and wanted to know who. He kept denying it was him, without ever being accused! It was obvious Alexis (who started it) was right. She said all through our surprise presentation in block yesterday, Jeff was watching me. Great!
Anyway, he kept calling the guy who liked me a girl and it was so funny! He was calling himself a girl. It was hilarious.
Our neighbor Lois is a hilarious elderly lady. She loves our cat Shawn and is always letting us know what’s going on with him and his outdoor exploits. She goes to conventions every year filled with people who also share the name Lois. Who does that? Lois does!
The other day Will was managing the laundry situation (a big job!) and Lois was monitoring his activity. I don’t blame her; life is pretty boring. She’s also known to monitor and report in detail on the status of our trash bins…whether they’re full or empty, picked up or not.
Anyway, Will says to her, “Almost done!”
“Ah! Very good. Almost done.” Lois seems satisfied with this answer.
A philosophical wind blew through Will. ”But…is laundry ever done??”
Lois cackled. ”Ha! That’s true. Laundry’s never done.”
Will headed up our back stairs to our apartment.
About a minute later, Lois added, “…until you’re gone..”
It’s a sad day around here today. I’ve just discovered that dealdetectives.com is no more. At least, it is no more the awesome source for deals it once was and is now just listing coupon codes, a job that so many websites are out there doing already.
Sigh.
But since you’re no more, please, dealdetectives.com, please take off the last awesome deals you listed from the bottom of your site. That Lenovo laptop deal got me so excited, and then broke my heart. No one else needs that kind of pain.
Today Julia and I were wandering down Fourth Street, a veeerry swanky part of Berkeley, California. We look cute — all dolled up — never mind the holes in Julia’s shirt and the bike shorts I insist on wearing under my skirt. Yeah, we’re cute, and we’re wandering around the CB2 store making fun of the techno music that makes you want to shop and admiring their $25 file folders and shit.
It was all pretty tame and innocent when Julia discovered these little magnetic sphere things. They were pretty fun, I had to admit. She even managed to make them into a bracelet!! Way to go Julia!! If only I had my camera out for this magic moment…
The bracelet — held together only by the attraction of one sphere to another — fell apart!! Little magnetic balls were everywhere. We laughed uproariously and I bemoaned the lack of video footage as I helped Julia track down the balls.
We got most of them, but one was behind this desk, and I thought I could bend down and fish it out. Technically, I could have, but the fact of the matter was that at that moment I had a big ass purse in tow. And that big ass purse in tow bumped a shelf and knocked the display of picture frames off in a dramatic tumble of metal and glass.
We couldn’t hide from the crash. No, that moment found us shame-faced and staring at a pile of broken glass and unsalable merchandise. And the next found us running out of the store like 12-year-olds who neglected to listen to their moms’ advice, “Look but don’t touch girls!!” Embarrassing right?
It seemed like just another day. Got a new bookshelf, had some friends over for dinner. But then, the worst thing ever happened: there wasn’t enough leftover lasagna for everyone.
We all had a decent-sized piece, but not an American-sized piece, if you know what I mean. I made extra salad, but I could tell they were still hungry. Or maybe I was just paranoid.
The decision was made: cookies were in order. I got out everything we needed and made the magic happen. Just when the magic was being perfected, my friend Kat noticed there were little specks dotting the top layer 0f the flour….specks that were–on closer inspection–little winged insects.
Oh but what were we to do?? We baked them. We ate them. I let our friend Adam eat two without even telling him. Does that make me terrible?
And who is to blame for this debacle? I want to blame my Modular Mates Tupperware containers, pictured above in their bug-harboring glory. How could you do this to me Modular Mates? How could you ruin my cookies??*
And after everything I’ve done for you. Touted you on my online Tupperware store. Organized my pantry around you. And now this betrayal.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.
*To be fair, they were also mediocre for a number of other reasons. 1. We didn’t really follow a recipe. 2. I followed the advice of my friends and added an entire package of pudding. That was just crazy.
A case might also be made that it was my fault that the cookies were ruined for not noticing the bugs when I first scooped the flour. But again, there is someone else to blame. And in this case, that someone is booze, who distracted me and inspired me to make the cookies in the first place. Again, not my fault.
I know this is going to come as a huge, unwelcome surprise because you all voted for me so very many times, but I didn’t win the NYC Flash Fiction Microchallenge Contest. Or whatever it was called. I never really got that straight.
This loss is merely a bump on the road to Internet domination, but I found myself getting bummed about it late last night when I figured it out.
And then I remembered one of my stories that didn’t make it into the final round:
She gasped for more oxygen. Her sons were safe now. But she couldn’t escape the slice of the boat.
This is the true story of how Kirsty MacColl met her horrible and untimely death. I first met Kirsty when our friend William introduced her song, In These Shoes, on a mixtape back in 2005. I was instantly in love.
Her death is a tragedy unparalleled.
Gives you some appreciation for life and loved ones, doesn’t it? Every moment counts.
)
