Our Rental Resume

We made a huge mistake when we picked our most recent roommate. Huge. I honestly can’t understand where we went wrong, but we picked someone who is so completely non-suited to living with us that it’s almost hilarious. Apparently the expectation that one would do their dishes in a timely manner / pitch in with the housework / not leave rotting food everywhere is a little too much for some people.

He claims he’s moving on, but we don’t really believe it. Our landlord forces us to put our roommates on the lease, so we’re pretty much powerless to force him to leave. Unless I pull out all the bitch in me, which I’m really, really trying to avoid doing. But it is so hard. Last week he left a bowl of rotting rice on the counter for SEVEN DAYS. Will had to ask him to deal with it before it was gone. By the end, it was literally coated in black mold. I almost took a photo to prove it to you guys but that’s just gross.

In the end, this might be a good thing. This foray into terrible-roommate-land has left Will and I wanting our own place. And now we are on the hunt.

With everyone else. We love living in the Temescal neighborhood of Oakland, but there’s not a lot available and a great many people are looking. After our first open house, I knew we needed to do something to make ourselves stand out. I’d heard of the concept of a “Rental Resume” where you summarize why the property owner should choose you. Continue Reading

Lost Girl

I really should know better but I lost my chance to ask out this girl I met at a Jonathan Richman show.

She’s got cute glasses and wears hats.

Her name’s Maya.

Hopefully by some miracle she’ll see this.

I was too tongue-tied to say anything intelligent at the time, so I’d like to try again. My name’s Noah. [email protected]

#SWOON Continue Reading

I love Mannequins

I have a bit of a collection.

Apropos of nothing, I spotted a couple of pairs of men’s mannequin legs in some strange places recently.

Perched outside of my old stomping grounds, Cloyne Court Hotel & Casino:

And adorning some majorly cool person’s desk at the offices of the East Bay Express:

I’m thinking it might be time to add some men’s legs — complete with junk — to my collection as well. Continue Reading

Oakland Nights LIVE!

My old friend Jeremy got a bee in his bonnet to have a talk show. At first I was super jealous. After all, it was just over a year ago when I went through a disastrous dry run holding my own live talk show. I had to put off my dreams of producing my own talk show. Who was I to object to Jeremy following his?

Especially when he invited Will and I to be guests for Cocktail Corner with the Lushes in Love.

His set was amazing. His guests were amazing — hilarious and educational. And at the end, the whole audience shared a round of Oakland, by the Goodtime Washboard Three. Continue Reading

I’m 30 going on 12

This may or may not be a true story.

Today Julia and I were wandering down Fourth Street, a veeerry swanky part of Berkeley, California. We look cute — all dolled up — never mind the holes in Julia’s shirt and the bike shorts I insist on wearing under my skirt. Yeah, we’re cute, and we’re wandering around the CB2 store making fun of the techno music that makes you want to shop and admiring their $25 file folders and shit.

It was all pretty tame and innocent when Julia discovered these little magnetic sphere things. They were pretty fun, I had to admit. She even managed to make them into a bracelet!! Way to go Julia!! If only I had my camera out for this magic moment…

The bracelet — held together only by the attraction of one sphere to another — fell apart!! Little magnetic balls were everywhere. We laughed uproariously and I bemoaned the lack of video footage as I helped Julia track down the balls.

We got most of them, but one was behind this desk, and I thought I could bend down and fish it out. Technically, I could have, but the fact of the matter was that at that moment I had a big ass purse in tow. And that big ass purse in tow bumped a shelf and knocked the display of picture frames off in a dramatic tumble of metal and glass.

We couldn’t hide from the crash. No, that moment found us shame-faced and staring at a pile of broken glass and unsalable merchandise. And the next found us running out of the store like 12-year-olds who neglected to listen to their moms’ advice, “Look but don’t touch girls!!” Continue Reading

The Bold Italic: Turning Me Green with Envy

The latest thing turning me green with envy is this awesome San Francisco blog, The Bold Italic.

Beautifully designed and featuring all kinds of hip, unique and entrancing tales from local SF Bay residents (like me!), reading it gives me a stomach ache.

I’m not sure what my favorite part is: the fabulous bios, fantastic content (like this lady who lived in a van by the freeway for two days and wrote about it and this guide to SF’s pop up restaurants), gorgeous graphics for EVERY story, or the fact that they ask us what they should write about and let us vote.

It’s so cool, it’s hot. It’s so hot…ohhh…my stomach.

Some day maybe I will be so cool.