“Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day.” – Rob

Originally Written on June 15, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

We got our yearbooks today. I feel so bad. I jumped to conclusions. I’ll start at the beginning…

In block I didn’t want to ask Robbie to sign my yearbook. I thought he was an asshole. But he asked me to sign his and I said only if you’ll sign mine. Somebody else was signing it so as soon as they were done, I gave it to Robbie. He signed it, and I’m looking at my yearbook “Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day. – Rob

Well that just made me feel horrible, I had obviously embarressed him majorly that that day and I jumped to conclusions when I asked him out and he said “no”. He had probably still resending me because of that day and thought that maybe this was another dare. My chest might have been part of it, but not all of it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and it makes sense that he said no. Cassie had said he wanted me to ask him out, so he could know if I wanted to go out with him. Everyone around was pressuring us, and it had been out of peer pressure that I asked him out. He know that I wouldn’t have, if everyone hadn’t influenced me, so he know I hadn’t liked him. I wouldn’t go out with someone under those circumstances. I think I have finally reached level of understanding. I just feel so bad, because I judged him, and hated him for so long and he didn’t deserve it. I wish there was a way that I could let him know that I understand and that I’m sorry. I just hope I’m not jumping to this conclusion. But I don’t think I am. There is still one other person I hate: Mike H. I wonder if I’m jumping to conclusions about him. I doubt it. I just fee sooooo bad. Maybe I’ll call him and apologize. Maybe not.

Yes, Mom took me bra shopping on Tues! It was the most hellish day in my life!

Originally Written on May 5, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller
Happy Cinqo de Maio (?)!

I haven’t written cause there hasn’t been anything to write about.  Yesterday Jeff got the idea tha Wes wasn’t real!  He started spreading rumors about me going out with a non-existent guy!  Can you believe this guy?  Of course I told Wes about this and Wes is going to call Jeff (compliments of Nikki N.) to prove his existence.   Then I’ll be able to laugh in Jeff’s face!

I can’t wait till the dance tomorrow! Unfortunately it’s the last dance of the year!  I bought a new outfit that all together probably cost about $70!  I only spent about $30! I bought the skirt Mom bought the shirt, sliip and bra.  Yes, Mom took me bra shopping on Tues!  It was the most hellish day in my life! But it’s over with! Thank GOD! Up until now I’ve been wearning one hiding it from the parental units.  it was very hard but I lived and then I lived through the shopping although I don’t know how!

I really miss Wes! To me, Wes isn’t fictional anymore.  He’s real and he’s out there – I just need to find him!  It’s depressing!  Chow for now!  (I’m a poet + I know it) Continue Reading

History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie.

Originally Written on April 25, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today was not a good day! I’m about to cry. I’ll start at the beginning:

Lunch – Natalie, Lex, Cassie, Ana and I were trying to think of how we could get everyone who went to the party to go out w/ someone. They went on about how cute Robbie and I look together and how perfect we were for eachother. Cassie said something like how it wouldn’t matter if we went out since we’ve kissed so many times! So Cassie went over to Robbie and asked him to go out w/ me. He said he didn’t know who I was although Cassie thinks he didn’t know who she was talking about.

History 5° — Cassie writes me a note informing me that I’m going out w/ Robbie.  Finally I found out that Cassie asked him to go out w/ me.  He said he didn’t know if he would or not – meanwhile everyone was totally bugging me about if I was going out w/ Robbie or not.

French 6° — Lex inform people I’m “sort of” going out w/ Robbie.  I deny it but it’s no use.  I try to kill Cassie.

I am pretty sure that Cassie survives this day.

Language 7-8° — Jeff finds out Robbie and I might be going out.  He keeps trying to convince me not to go out w/ Robbie.  The problem was I was starting to maybe like Robbie again so I wanted to go out w/ him! Cassie tells me that Robbie wants me to ask him out to make sure I want to go out w/ him.  Cassie said Robbie would say yes.  Everyone kept badgering me and badgering me.  Jason T. whispered my name to get my attention and pointed to me than to Robbie and put his fingers together like we’re kissing!  Everyone’s really bugging me + I’m starting to get a little pissed off.  I wanted everyone to get off my case but I also wanted to go out w/ Robbie.

Aelxis and Christy said they’d get off my case if I asked Robbie out.  So finally Alexis goes and asks him out for me!  So now it’s like I liked him and asked him out!  Well the end of the day came and I came home TOTALLY depressed ’cause I knew he was going to say “no”.  I tried to cry when I came home but I couldn’t.  I decide that a phone call to Erika would improve my mood.  She told me Christy wanted me to call her because she had some news for me.  I try to get hints out of Erika, but she won’t budge. Continue Reading

He said “I’ll be when you [me] kissed him he had a boner and this thing when from 1cm to 2cm.” He demonstrated w/ his fingers.

Originally Written on February 3, 1994
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’m never going to hear the end of this kiss thing.  All day people were asking me “Did you really kiss Robbie?!!” And all I could say was, “yes, and shut up about it!” In Block, James K was making fun of Robbie.  He said “I’ll be when you [me] kissed him he had a boner and this thing when from 1cm to 2cm.” He demonstrated w/ his fingers.  I really want Robbie to ask me out, but, I sit with James in Block.  James hates Robbie and Robbie hates James. Alexis likes James.  It would be horrible if I was going out with Robbie (I wish!) and Alexis were going out w/ James.

Ana likes someone else besides Sharky (Andy). She calls him Marter.  She won’t tell me who it is but says Sharky and Marter are one and the same.  Which they aren’t.  She’s just telling me that.  Everyone else knows who it is.  I know I shouldn’t be hurt at this, but I am.  Alexis and Cassie told me it was Robbie.  So I call Ana Robbie-lover and she hates that!  So, she started this Sharky/Marter thing and has had everyone play along.  It bugs having her like the same person that I like.  No one except Em knows I like him! If I even let on that I like somebody, eventually it’ll get around. So I call him Blue-Eared-Doggy.  Everyone thinks I don’t like anybody.

Something else that hurts inside is that I’ll never have a chance w/ him.  Kerry likes him and she’ll never let him go out w/ anyone else. They were going out & she dumped him – so now I say let him go out w/ whomever he desires.  Which wouldn’t be me.  Robbie looks at Victoria’s Secret catalogs and I certainly don’t belong in there.  I’m a wall.  Totally flat up North.  And to the East and West!  So I’ll never have a chance w/ him.

Happy Half B-day to me! Continue Reading

I’ve liked him for about a week, but last night I made it official. I named a teddy bear after him.

Originally Written on September 29, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I really hate 4th period lunch!  It sucks!  I also hate Tanya.  She acts like a les, always grabbing my hand.  She is also very annoying!  She talks and talks, all the while grabbing my arm, and not letting go.  When I squirm to get out of her grip, she giggles and grabs on again!  Fuck her!  By the time block comes around I feel like killing whoever is around!

When I found this homophobic statement in my diary I was shocked. Then I remembered the reality of college when I first met my wonderful friends who identify as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender. I grew up sheltered in suburbia, and I believe these statements are testament to how easily young people can be led astray just by a lack of exposure to alternative lifestyles.

Last Friday we had the welcome back under the sea dance (dumb name).  I spent the whole time finding Jeff for Emily to dance with.  It was fun, but I felt like crying!  The whole time not single guy asked me to dance!  Why don’t guys like me?  I’m not ugly, I know that.  Ashley B. is totally popular with guys and she’s flat.  Like me.  Is it my freckles?  I wonder.  Yesterday Alexis said James K. like me.  I’ve liked him for about a week, but last night I made it official.  I named a teddy bear after him.

Seriously??? omg.

Alexis and Ana say he’s a jerk.  He’s nice to me.  At Emily’s birthday party on Sunday Erica said Steve W. was a jerk.  I said that he wasn’t and so on.  The thing that bugged me is that he’s not a jerk!  He’s really nice.  Erica just saw the bad side of him.  Steve is really, really nice and I may even like him.  Maybe.  Not right now.

Now I like James and Andrew C.  Andrew liked me last year (says Alyssia) speaking of Alyssia, she’s been coming on to Jeff, which bugs Emily like crazy!  Another thing that pissed me off at Erica also happened at the party.  She said I wasn’t sorry.  I said that maybe she didn’t know me too well.  That pissed her off and I was po’ed ‘cause she’s making judgments.  Alexis and me have a fight daily – It bugs.  Not one day this year have we not had a fight.

See you later.

Mom told her that I was going to get bras!!!! Judy didn’t make a big deal out of it though.

Originally Written on August 30, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Today Mom and I went through my wardrobe.  I had to try everything on and mom was watching my every move.  About ¾ of the way through Mom asked me if I wanted to get some training bras.  I’m flat as a board, but I said yes.  It was obvious that mom was just as embarrassed about it as I was.

Alexis is getting some discharge.

Tomorrow we are getting schedules.  I’m not really worried.

I got a new storage unit for my closet.  Also a new shelf.  I might be getting a vanity.

Judy came over.  Dad told her that I was thinking (wanting) a vanity and she agreed with me!  Mom told her that I was going to get bras!!!!  Judy didn’t make a big deal out of it though.

It’s hard to believe school starts in days.  I’m not nervous at all!  It is too bad I don’t share Erica’s feelings of scaredness.  NOT!!!!  Now I know how Becky felt last year when I was nervous and she wasn’t.

I’m going to wear some light eyeshadow and lipstick this year.  You can hardly tell I have any eyeshadow on.

Mom and Dad want to give away my dresses.  I don’t mind.

I don’t want to get braces.  A retainer would be fine with me.  Why do I have to go through having braces twice when other people don’t even have to have them once?!!!!

I’m pretty comfortable with guys. But still they tell me I’m blushing.

Originally Written on April 5, 1993
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I am popular. I think. I’ve spent the past 4 days entirely with Becky. After tonight I feel closer to her than I have ever felt.

I called a guy. Roger. It was cool. Not hard at all; not like I thought. He’s going out with Alexis. What does she have that I don’t? I’ve liked him all year. Now I have self confidence though.

We’re just friends. Roger want kiss Alexis. Alexis told him that she’d slap him if he tryed so Roger won’t kiss even hug hug him.

I’m getting a C+ in PE. I never thought I’d stoop so low. The thing was I didn’t even care. Continue Reading

Yep, I started to swear.

Originally Written on December 1, 1992
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

I’d taken up swearing with many many underlines even!

It’s awful in band. Ana is so terrible. I can’t describe it in words. She is the biggest bitch in the world.

Yep, I started to swear. Whenever I swear someone says Oh wow I can’t believe it. Jennifers swearing. Continue Reading

I feel desirable knowing that at least seven guys on the face of this earth find me somewhat attractive. Complete.

Originally Written on October 28, 1996
Posted on by Jennifer Heller

Hello! Well let’s see. Not much feeling wise has happened lately. Umm.. well. Events

Thursday I went to school. I took some tests. Yeah. Something must have happened. Oh, well. It’ll come to me.

After school, Erika came over. We sat around here for a little while and then went to the mall. For awhile we shopped for bras. I’m a whole cup! Continue Reading