“And how high can you fly with broken wings?”

Last night, I spent the night at M’s. It was fun. I hope the thing with Dave works out. I do. I like him; it’s not just a deal with M anymore. Of course I felt this way about Andy about a year ago. I hope I like him and I don’t just think I do. I’m pretty sure I like him–but I haven’t seen him since–I don’t know when. Awhile ago.

The fair thing is kinda falling apart. Jordan can’t go. Ana might go. HELL! We don’t want to try to find a replacement for Jordan. We’re going 2 see if he can go on Tuesday. So we might be going 2 days after tomorrow, instead the day after tomorrow. I just want the whole thing to get over with. I don’t want Ana 2 go, because though I don’t mind M+N meddling in my personal life, I definately do not want her to! I trust them but she would do more bad than good. Probably, she’d tell Dave that the whole thing is a set up. She’s a bitch! My pink pen does not work! I don’t trust her I don’t want 2 spend a day with her. I’ve had enough of her to last a lifetime. Even if she doesn’t go, the plan with me + Dave isn’t foolproof. There is no foolproof way 2 do it. I hope their plan works. When I was on the phone with Ana today, she said something about feeling sorry 4 me ’cause they’re setting me up with Dave. I’m sorry but if she’d stick 2 her own business, everyone’s lives would be better. Even an old foggie in Japan’s! I’m tired of changing colors It’s pointless.

Sick of Changing Colors

At this point, 12-year-old Jen stopped changing the ink color every line.

Maybe I should ask him out. Yeah right! Trust me, you’ll get a detailed account of the day! Why do people bother with “he said” & “she said”? Oh, well. We’ve just lost the ability to talk face to face with someone of the opposite sex. Or the same sex if you’re a homo. Does it get any easier? I hope so! I don’t know if I can stand this 4 much longer!

I feel bad 4 Natalie. Her relationship isn’t going so well with Jorday. That’s good for Emily. How can something be good for one person and horrible for another? I wish I knew Jordan really well so I could get his feelings. I hope that when (not if!) I go out with Dave, it’s good 4 both of us. Natalie said I should be more positive so it’s when we go out–not if we go out!

I could take up the rest of this diary with worries about the day at the fair. But, I’m not going to worry about it. Here is a line from Amazing by Aerosmith:

“And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings.”

That’s true. I can prepare and go through all the possibilities of what could happen–but what good would that do? Here’s another:

“And how high can you fly with broken wings?”

That makes perfect sense to me. It’s true, right? Think about it.

Well I’m going to fly–I’m going to go out with Dave! I don’t think I have broken wings, but:

“You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk.”

I believe in myself. I’m sure that Dave will like me for what I am–hey, Wes did it right? J.K. If he can’t see what’s on the inside of me it’s not worth it to try and make him. I can just hope and pray.

Please God–

I’m writing this from the bottom of my heart. Let Dave like me + have us go out. PLEASE!

I’ve never really had to make conversation alone with a guy. On the Ferris wheel will be a first.

Today Emily invited everyone to the fair. Dave can probably come. No turning back now. I really hope it works out between Dave and I. I really, really do. I like him now. At least, I think I do. From what everyone keeps telling me about him he sounds sweet. Natalie says he’s really sweet, really nice, and really funny. Which means I might have to do a lot of laughing. And I hate my laugh. Oh, well. I also hate my smile. Oh, well. This diary is too small. It’s annoying! Oh, well. This is getting repetetive, huh? Oh well. Just joking. I’m really nervous about making conversation for that long. The whole day! Oh, well! Ha, ha! Maybe he’ll be really easy to talk to. Maybe it’ll be impossible to run out of things to say. I hope, I pray! I’ve never really had to make conversation alone with a guy. On the Ferris wheel will be a first. There always is other people around whenever I talk to a guy. It may be just a conversation between me + him but there were people around. It’s just going to be me + him with no one I can turn to for help. I just choose my divine blueprint. Emily says that Jeff really liked me. I feel bad about making Wes up. But it was the only way I could get out of saying no to him. I knew he would have asked me out sooner or later. I’m sorry Jeff, but I couldn’t face you. I’m also sorry we all treated you so bad, all year. We didn’t mean half the stuff we said. In fact, we didn’t mean all of the stuff we said. I really am sorry.

Back 2 my crisis that’s happening right now! I really want 2 go out with Dave. I swear, I’m about 2 ask him out! I’m ready 2 call him up and ask him out. I wish Monday would come so I could get it over with. Despite what Emily says, what Natalie says, I don’t really see how he’ll ask me out on the ferris wheel! Unless he falls desperately in love with me as soon as he sees me on Monday! But what are the chances of that happening? Very slim! So, I’ll just have to let Emily and Natalie (the masters–yeah, right! J.K.) do their work! People say that it is always darkest before the dawn. My romance life has been really dark I hope Dave and Mon are the dawn!

The Diary Project

Natalie said that there’s nothing wrong w/ me it’s just that the guys mature slower than us.

I think that yesterday, I didn’t give myself enough credit. i’m feeling a lot better about myself. Last night, emily convinced me to start liking Dave S. She made a deal with him. I’d like him and she’d set me up with him. We’re planning on going to fair on Mon. Here’s her plan:

Sometime during the day she pulls Dave aside, (there’s only going to be Nat. + Jordan, M + Doug + Me + Dave there) and asks him how he feels about me. She’s going to say that she has a suspicious that I like him. Then I’m supposed to give him hints, like singling him out, that I like him. Then when it gets dark, we’re all going to go on the ferris wheel — the giant one and it’ll be Nat + Jordan in one, Em + Doug in one, and since we’re the only ones left, Dave and I in one. So then when we get off the wheel, Dave and I will be going out. Yeah right! I’m willing to let M try it, but I doubt it will work.

At ice-skating today, (Natalie’s starting lessons) Natalie sat she’s going to help too. Natalie’s going to talk to Dave and ask him if he’s ready for a relationship. I really like Dave, I think and I REALLY want to go out w/ him. Well I guess I want 2 go out w/ someone. I hope their plans work. I seriously do. But I want Dave to like me a little not just ask me out because he was kinda pressured to. Last time I was this close to having a boyfriend, I kinda blew it. Robbie said no. But all I have 2 do is put that behind me. I chose my divine blueprint and I know that it’ll happen if its meant to. I just hope it works out. I’ve actually started to like Dave. And I want to go out w/ him. So, Nat + M — give it your best shot! I don’t know if it’ll work though…

Becky is coming!!


I’m so happy! They bought the plane tickets! No turning back now! I can’t wait! I miss her so much!

Natalie said that there’s nothing wrong w/ me it’s just that the guys mature slower than us. So, pretty soon the guys will come around. I still want 2 go out w/ someone before I’m 13! I’m glad me + Natalie are good friends. She’s a great one to talk to She cheers me up and isn’t afraid to tell me the truth about myself. We spent a few hours on the phone and it was very insightful! I’m glad I have such great friends that are there for me. I know M’s always there for me, but sometimes I just don’t feel like talking 2 her. I’m glad I can always ask Natalie 4 advice + help. P.S. She says she was to be a counselor when she grows up. She’ll make a great one!

I really hope that this thing with Dave works out. I’m worried about making conversation on the wheel. That thing moves so slow. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I’ll figure something out. Maybe I’ll talk about the view. I just can’t act shy! He’s not shy — I can’t be! I’m not shy but I don’t talk much around people I don’t know. Before I know it my palms start to sweat and my voice cracks. Now, that would be a major embarressing moment! I hope I don’t smell or anything. It would be soooo soooo romantic if he liked me and asked me out on the ferris wheel. I can just see it.

He had just made a joke and we’re laughing there there’s a pause as we the study the view. I say “it really looks like they’re trying to set us up.”

He’ll say, “yeah, it does.” He pauses. “So how about it? I mean, you wanna go out?”.

I say “yeah. okay. cool.”  There only a few more feet of riding left and he makes jokes when we get off he grabs my hand 4 the rest of the night. And at the end of the night he kisses me goodnight. Ah, heaven!

The Diary Project June 21 1994

Maybe I should just become lesbian and ditch the male sex.

Becky is coming! I’m so happy about that. Last night Doug asked Emily out. Today she said yes. I know I should be happy 4 her I’m just green-eyed I guess. I always thought that she’d be single. It never entered my mind that she’s go out out w/ someone before I did. I mean, oh I don’t know. This just makes me realize that guys don’t not like me because of my chest. Em’s practically flatter than me. (no offense to her). It must be my looks or my personality. I wish I knew. I’d change I swear I would. I wish I had a guy friend who could give me answers why don’t they like me? I really want to know what’s wrong w/ me. I want to go out w/ someone so bad! But it looks like it’s not about 2 happen. Maybe I should just become lesbian and ditch the male sex. Yeah right I have this poster of Aladdin w/ Jasmine on my wall. They’re flying on the majic carpet with the stars shining around them. I wish that would happen 2 me. I wish I’d find my ??????? and he’s whisk me away. He’d love me and we’d live together in a castle. All I want is 2 know that some guys out there like me. I know that Ricky asked me out but he’s liked every girl he knows. So has Tom. Except, to my knowledge, me. Why won’t he like me? If someone knows, TELL ME! I REALLY want to know. God, please let someone respectable like me and ask me out. Not some sixth grade geek or seventh grade wierdo. I wish there would be my ?????? and he’d like me. Where is he? What is wrong with me? Who ever is reading this tell me the truth. Don’t lie and say that I’m wonderful and that I just haven’t found the right guy. Don’t cover up the knowledge that you have. I won’t get angry with you.

Just tell me!

I’m begging u.

I want to know!

You know. It’s been my goal awhile, to be in the happy group.

I can’t believe there is only 1 more day of school! It all passed so quickly. Today was a day of yea-book signing and now I think I have over 100! I really don’t want the year to end. It’s hard to believe that tomorrow at this time I’ll be in eighth grade! This year was fun and I hate to have 2 part with it. It’s been almost a year since Becky left. I miss her terribly. You know. It’s been my goal awhile, to be in the happy group. Becky and I were just becoming good friend and the year ends. More later.

“Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day.” – Rob

We got our yearbooks today. I feel so bad. I jumped to conclusions. I’ll start at the beginning…

In block I didn’t want to ask Robbie to sign my yearbook. I thought he was an asshole. But he asked me to sign his and I said only if you’ll sign mine. Somebody else was signing it so as soon as they were done, I gave it to Robbie. He signed it, and I’m looking at my yearbook “Jennifer, Thanks for the great year but you didn’t have to kiss me in front of everyone that day. – Rob

Well that just made me feel horrible, I had obviously embarressed him majorly that that day and I jumped to conclusions when I asked him out and he said “no”. He had probably still resending me because of that day and thought that maybe this was another dare. My chest might have been part of it, but not all of it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and it makes sense that he said no. Cassie had said he wanted me to ask him out, so he could know if I wanted to go out with him. Everyone around was pressuring us, and it had been out of peer pressure that I asked him out. He know that I wouldn’t have, if everyone hadn’t influenced me, so he know I hadn’t liked him. I wouldn’t go out with someone under those circumstances. I think I have finally reached level of understanding. I just feel so bad, because I judged him, and hated him for so long and he didn’t deserve it. I wish there was a way that I could let him know that I understand and that I’m sorry. I just hope I’m not jumping to this conclusion. But I don’t think I am. There is still one other person I hate: Mike H. I wonder if I’m jumping to conclusions about him. I doubt it. I just fee sooooo bad. Maybe I’ll call him and apologize. Maybe not.

Doug was looking at me in a weird way at the beginning. I’m starting to feel accepted.

I have no idea why I’m writing in cursive. Today was the class trip to the waterslides. It was really fun. I spent the day with Em, Nat, Jordan and this Doug person. I don’t mean to sound concited, or anything but Doug was looking at me in a weird way at the beginning. I’m starting to feel accepted. Tomorrow we get our year-books. I really don’t want this school year to end. But in 3 days I’ll be in eigth grade. I don’t know why, but its like when the school year ends, then I’ll have to start all over next year. I think there’s more than that but I can’t figure it out yet.


Good news: I came in SECOND! Bad news: There were only two people in my league!

Good news: I came in SECOND!

Bad news: There were only two people in my league!

I laugh every time I think about that. I did pretty well on my routine, but Jessica, my competition, deserved to win. I’m happy, because I got a cheap silver medal on a paper ribbon that’s already falling apart for my first competition, I think I did really well. At lease I had fun. Mom was right – the first time is the new experience the next time is for winning. OK, that’s not exactly what she said, but that’s how I interrperted it.

[drawing of silver medal in red pen]