Partying, Partying, Yeah!! Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Until today (coincidentally a Friday), I’d never heard Rebecca Black’s inane song, Friday.

That did not keep me from learning all the awesome tid bits …

“Front seat? Back seat?? WHICH ONE SHOULD I TAKE??”

“Gotta have my bowl…gotta have my cereal!”

And incorporating them into my life. Not a Friday goes by without a joke about our absent cereal bowls or our indecision around where to sit.

Well today seemed as good as any to finally hear her song. Alex and I just listened to it, and man, what a song. Here it is so you can experience it too:

I have to say…If I were a young person learning the days of the week from Rebecca Black, I would know that yesterday was Thursday, and tomorrow is Saturday…and even that after that we will have a Sunday. But what’s after that??!

You’re letting down young people everywhere, Rebecca. Everywhere.

Suggestion: Release a song called “Monday, Monday.” Here, we’ll even start writing it for you:

“Monday, Monday.
Back to school on Monday.
Yesterday was Sunday. Sunday.
Did I do my homework? Homework?
School, School, School, School.
Everybody’s looking forward to lunchtime, lunchtime!
Tater tots! Tater tots!
Chocolate milk up my nose!

It’s Monday…Monday…
Spitball in my hair.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday!
Gotta do my homework! Homework.

…and so on.

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Confession: I am an awful roommate too

We’ve been sharing awful roommate stories here on jenniferheller.com as I recover from my last living situation in which Will and I inadvertantly offered a bedroom in our apartment to who was to become known as our Roommate From Hell.

The truth is that he and I were each other’s Roommates From Hell.

You see, I like a clean house. I like clean dishes. I like people who clean up after themselves, and who replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out.

I would have thought that that sort of behavior would be generally expected, but it was foreign to my Roommate From Hell.

After he had neglected to replace the toilet paper multiple times, I texted him thusly…

“Please change the toilet paper for gods sake! From now on my charge is $25 to pick up your slack. Understand?”

Yep, I’m not proud of it, and it was pretty much downhill from there. Continue Reading

Fucking* Priorities

They’re driving me mad.

I thirst for exercise.

I can’t survive unless my business succeeds.

I am driven to to blog.  Oh goodness, do I ever want to work on you, jenniferheller.com.

New vision: front page newspaper style layout…slider…and the shop that has been in the works for EVER.  Various authors!!  Avatars for Alex, tales of Tom Petty from g., ridiculous forwards from Dad, dating adventures from Julia, Readers Like You.  And dividing these 700-some posts into some awesome sub-personalities: Drunk Jen / 12-year-old Jen / Single Jen / Jen of Jenfest / Introspective Jen (that’s me)…

My lesson in this year is definitely patience.  I’ve avoided it for decades.  But no, no…you, Jennifer Heller, are going to be patient.

(That’s the Universe talking.)

And my insides growl.  How can dreams so big not effect the enjoyment of the present?!  Why does everything have to take so damn long?  Why are there only 24 hours in a day??

These are the questions that  haunt my life.

*sorry people I love, sometimes I cuss. Continue Reading

Paperbags…Good for groceries, romance!

I have a very silly boyfriend who makes every weekend awesome. Here he is hiding from the world because he had something in his teeth. A fate that each of us will succumb to at some time in our lives…*

*the stuff in our teeth…not the bag on our head…but if you are prone to putting a bag on your head, make it a paper one. It’s harder to suffocate. Continue Reading

Best Night of My Life: Pulp at the Warfield

I fell in love with Pulp as an impressionable youth. The song Underwear appealed to my pubescent fantasies…and my flair for the dramatic. From there, the love affair only got stronger, as I explored the ins and outs of Jarvis’ clever lyrics, sex-obsessed dance songs, and melo-dramatic ballads. I’ve been in love ever since. The show last week was the realization of a long-time dream…to be in the same room…to dance as they played…to sing along on the top of my lungs…

The month before this show, I was frantic. Every Pulp album was on repeat. I sang Disco 2000 a cappella in the shower each morning. I contemplated marrying someone whose last name began with a “C” so I too could sing truthfully, “I’m not Jesus, but I have the same initials.”

Even as the concert approached, I couldn’t believe it was happening. To finally — after all these years — have Pulp reunite and tour!! And for my most awesome friend Jesse to throw me a ticket even after I couldn’t get one the day they went on sale!! Oooh, if I’m not the luckiest girl in the world.

Last Tuesday evening will be an evening I relive over and over. To ease this, I’m embedding videos for the songs they played in the correct order. Oh and here’s my best photo of Jarvis…a man I probably would despise getting involved with, but would anyway.

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Insult Submission!!

I’m excited to report that my request for insults has not gone unanswered!

“Nunya Business” from San Jose, CA, writes:

I met you at a few of the parties. You’re a crazy, soul destroying, manhood leeching, empty capsule of a human being’s capacity to be rational.

Granted, this was not a comment on the blog where I asked for insults, but on the one where I discussed our previous Roommate From Hell’s propensity for peeing on stuff.

So, it might be personal.

Regardless, let’s put it to the test. As I wrote the other day, I propose that all really good insults need to be…

Terrible
Haunting
Insulting
Nefarious
Katabolic

Assuming that this insult was meant for me, we can fairly assess its effectiveness.

Was this terrible? Well, it did make me feel pretty lousy. Except I’m pretty sure it’s from my ex Roommate From Hell, so you have to consider the source. Also, you can’t make an omelet without breaking any eggs. FYI.

Was this haunting? Nah. I’ve already forgotten it.

Insulting? Vaguely. “Empty capsule of a human being’s capacity to be rational.” What does this even mean? I don’t feel very empty. On closer look, I don’t think this makes sense. That makes me laugh. FAIL!

Nefarious? Reading your ex-roommate’s blog and posting insults? Nah. That’s child’s play.

Katabolic? Not at all. Thanks for the fodder for the blog, buddy.
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Life Lesson: It is an extremely bad idea to put coffee into a cup already containing a tea bag

Even if you’re running out the door to the vet because your cat is acting really really strange and doesn’t want breakfast for the first time EVER and it’s the cup that you used yesterday so it’s pretty clean and you just really have to get out the door.

No. The coffee on top of a teabag makes the coffee taste like tea and then it’s neither coffee or tea. Getting to that appointment on time was not worth this suffering!!

Photo of what I wish I were drinking: a caffe latte from Subrosa.

Oh and Gus is okay but got into a little spat with some extremely misguided other cat. Grrr. Continue Reading

THINK before you speak

My coach introduced me to this awesome acronym to help you gage whether your input is worth sharing. Ask yourself, is this sentiment…

Timely
Helpful
Important
Necessary
Kind

When all five of those are satisfied, then you can be sure that you are being the best possible person you can be at that juncture. That’s all well and good and I’m sure good advice.

But I’d like to suggest that we THINK before we insult, as well. When you take the time to be mean, ask yourself, is this feedback…

Terrible
Haunting
Insulting
Nefarious
Katabolic

Only when all five are truly delivered, do you have a scorn worthy of leaving your lips.

I think we can all agree that a jab that is merely insulting but not haunting — a waste of breath! You want that person to remember what you said for all eternity.

Further, any derision that is up to par on nefarious (EVIL for those of you who didn’t do so well on the SATs), but falls down short on katabolic doesn’t do the job when it comes to breaking down your adversary. A truly worthy slander will leave the subject torn up and silent. You don’t want to risk a comeback, after all!

Let’s see how this system works by taking as an example, the offense I delivered to Roommate from Hell the other day

“I hope your new place is as slovenly as you’d hoped this one would be.”

Was this…

Terrible? I suppose it was a little bit, but I wouldn’t say it was that bad.
Haunting? I’d like to think so, but I bet it wasn’t.
Insulting? Yes, I do think I hit this nail on the head.
Nefarious? Meh. I give me a C+ on nefarious.
Katabolic? FAIL.

Let’s consider as an alternate example, one that an associate thought up…

“Did you move back home with Mommy and Daddy so they could clean up after you?”

If this had been said, would it have been…

Terrible? YES.
Haunting? Oh the truth! Oh the childhood associations!! YES!
Insulting? Oh yes!
Nefarious? Delivered in the right tone, I’d say so!
Katabolic? This might depend on the recipient…if he had a particularly harsh childhood, this one could really, really cut to the core. Worth a try, I’d say.

Yes, I do think this system works. What do you think? Continue Reading